Spirit of the Sun
by PinkRULES453
Summary: What if Breaking Dawn had all been a dream? How would things have been different if Bella had taken the time to sort everything out? This story is really about Bella's self discovery and Jacob's issues with imprinting and free will.
1. Comatose

**Chapter 1**

_Comatose_

It was a beautiful winter's day. The sun was shining, glistening off the snow as if it consisted of thousands of unique little diamonds, the birds were singing and the trees had that beautiful dusting of snow on their branches. Everything in Bella's world seemed as though it was in Technicolor. The world was more vibrant and magical; colors were brighter, smells were stronger and Bella was truly stunning to behold.

Bella's world was truly magnificent. She had everything; Edward, their beautiful daughter Renesmee, a new family of Cullens, Jacob, and most importantly her immortality. It seemed like ages had past between the time she decided she wanted to join Edward's world and the time he made it be so. She had been afraid, prior to being turned, about what her new life would be like, but she never could have dreamed how perfectly it would turn out.

Bella's transition had been seamless…..more perfect than she could have imagined. She was not like the other newborns that had been described to her or the ones she had seen in person during the battle. She did have a thirst for blood, but she was able to withstand the temptation and not kill anyone. It was a transition like no other; she was truly remarkable. The Cullens were fascinated by her and it gave her an intense feeling of pride and acceptance. For the first time in Bella's entire life she truly felt as though she belonged.

If it all hadn't felt so real she would have thought it too good to be true. It was amazing to her just how perfectly everything had turned out; even better than if she had written it herself. She was able to keep both of the men she loved close to her and everyone turned out happy. Sure, imprinting on her child might not have been Jake's first choice, but at least they found a way to be happy together forever.

For the first time Bella could spend time with her best friend and not have Edward be insanely jealous and trying to "protect" her from the werewolf. They would go on hunting trips together; sometimes Jake would be in wolf form and participate in the hunts, and other times he just came along for the company.

It was a day like so many other days had been; sunny and peaceful. Bella, Jake and Renesmee were on one of their hunting trips in the woods. Renesmee was getting so big; she seemed to change before their very eyes. Bella did not know exactly how long it would take for her beautiful baby girl to grow to maturity, so she wanted to spend as much time with her as possible so that she didn't lose even one unnecessary moment in her life.

As they were walking through the woods, something inside Bella began to feel wrong. She felt torn between her perfect world and another one completely. How was this even possible? Her world seemed like it was fading away into oblivion. What was happening to her perfect life with her perfect family? Panic rose in her throat and she looked at Jacob, desperately wanting him to shake her from this weird world her mind was threatening to take her. Her mouth formed the words "Jacob, help me!" but it just came out in puffs of air. Her hand went to her throat, what was happening to her? She finally had all that she wanted and it was threatening to disappear. "Please no--!" she thought in her mind, and then realized that somewhere far away from her garden of Eden, she was being grabbed and held, being brought from her fairytale more and more with each second.

"Bella! Bella! Please wake up!" Edward pleaded, desperately holding onto her, trying so hard to get her to come back to reality, where she belonged.

He frantically felt her forehead, the fever seemed to have broken, but why was she not waking up? If he was capable of tears, he would have been shedding them all over her t-shirt. It had been days since she slipped into this nightmarish coma and he didn't know if she'd ever wake up again.

As Edward sat there, desperately trying to force Bella awake with sure willpower, he felt eyes on him. He looked up and _he_ was there. Despite the intense situation at hand Edward couldn't prevent the memories from flooding back to him. _Kiss me and then come back_. Those words played over and over in his head like a one song playlist set to repeat over and over for days on end. _Kiss me Jacob, and then come back_. "What do you want?" Edward snapped, a lot harsher than he had intended.

Jacob looked taken aback for a second, wasn't he usually the one being aggressive? "I just wanted to see how she was doing."

"Her fever's down."

Jacob reached a hand out to feel her forehead, but Edward smacked it away, "don't touch her. With your body heat you could send her temperature soaring again."

Jacob folded his arms at the bloodsucker; his arch enemy. He glanced down at Bella's left hand and eyed the gigantic rock on her third finger and rage filled him, he feared he might phase right there in Bella's bedroom.

After Bella had made her choice and had agreed to marry Edward, Jacob became the wolf and ran off for a long time, maybe he would have stayed that way forever if word of Bella's condition had not reached him. He still wasn't sure how Sam had managed to communicate with him from so far away, but he had been glad that he could.

"I didn't come here to fight with you again." Jacob eyed Edward coolly, looking him straight in the eye. "She's my friend and I wanted to see her."

"Well, now that you've seen her could you just leave?"

Jacob glared at Edward, "No, I can't just leave. I need to speak with her; I need her to know that everything's alright, I'm back now."

Edward rolled his eyes, "I don't see what good that will do, she can't hear you anyway. Trust me; I've been talking for days."

"And I'm sure that was such an inconvenience for you." Jacob folded his arms over his chest, "I'll relieve you of your duties for a while. You can go hunt or whatever it is that you do to get your jollies."

Edward snarled at him, "I will not leave her side."

"Yes you will. This is Charlie's house and I think he would like for me to get a chance to see her and talk to her. Clearly whatever you've been doing hasn't done any good, maybe I can get through to her."

Edward snickered, "I'm her fiancé."

"And I'm the big bad wolf." Jacob pushed him aside so that he could sit at Bella's side and take her hand in his own. "Go away, leech."

Edward seethed and literally growled, ready to attack, but then he thought better of it, sighed and left the room.

Jacob turned his attention to the beautiful comatose girl that he loved. He gently caressed her hand with his thumb as he found his eyes focusing on the floor. "Bella, I shouldn't have left. I should have accepted that you love Edward more than you'll ever love me and accepted defeat gracefully. Bells, you know I love you, and I always will. Nothing will ever change that; _nothing_.

Anyway, I'm sorry that I ran away because I couldn't face you and I couldn't stand the idea of you marrying that, that….Edward and becoming one of them. It was wrong to take off and worry you, I know I caused this sickness, Bells, and I'm so sorry. But, I'm back now and I'm not going anywhere ever again."

Maybe he was trying too hard to see a reaction from her at his words, or maybe he was just crazy, but he thought he saw her eyelids flutter a bit, as if she was struggling to open them.

"Bella, Bella, everything is just fine. Wake up, come back to me." _Kiss me and come back._ Ugh, why must he always be reminded of that luscious moment by the tent, her arms around his neck, kissing him back? _I love you, Jacob._ Her words had cut through him like a knife but it felt blissful, like a sunset over the water.

Jacob struggled with his inner demons for a few minutes, having taken his eyes from Bella's face. When his eyes caught back on to her, she seemed as though she was stirring and rejoining the land of the living.

"Bella, honey….I'm here."

Bella's eyes opened, very slowly, and she had trouble adjusting to the light. It was as if she was struggling to see light in a completely new way. "Jake?" her voice sounded funny, she thought, deeper and more human-like.

"It's me, I'm here." He told her, ecstatic. "How do you feel?"

"Weird." She looked around, taking in the sights around her. She noticed her bookshelf, full of her favorites, her window that she had sat and stared out of month after month after Edward had left her for Italy. She took in the pictures on the wall, the closet and dresser…it was her room at Charlie's. Why had they brought her here, didn't they know it could be dangerous for her to be here?

"Did I pass out in the woods?"

"What?"

"When we were hunting." A look of intense fear rang through her, "Where's Renesmee, is she alright?"

Jacob looked at her as if she had grown three new heads, "Renes-who?"

"Renesmee. My baby, the one you imprinted on?"

Jacob looked horrified, "You don't have a daughter, Bella, and I've never imprinted on anyone, especially not a baby."

"What are you talking about? She is the most beautiful and perfect child. She has my eyes….well, my human eyes, and Edward's pale skin, with just a hint of a shimmer…." She continued to go on and on about this child and Jacob drowned her out, wondering what kind of drugs she was on. Had Edward messed with her head? He sat there, staring off into space for quite some time, before turning back to look at her. She seemed different; lost. She looked down at her body and made a face, why was her skin darker than it had been? She desperately tried to reach out for her lamp, but she wasn't strong enough. "Jake, can you bring me my lamp."

"Huh?" He asked, being dragged back to reality. "Oh" he said as the realization of what she wanted hit him. He grabbed her lamp and brought it over to her. "What do you want this for?"

"I need to look at my skin." She turned it on and stuck her arm right up under the ultraviolet light bulb to inspect her skin. She looked at her arm, puzzled, something was definitely wrong. She had a horrified expression on her face and Jacob reacted concerned. "What's the matter, Bells?"

"My skin's plain."

"Huh?"

"It's not sparkling."

Jacob looked at her really confused, "why in the world would it be sparkling?"

"Because Edward turned me."

Jacob's face contorted into a grimace of shock and horror. He jumped to his feet, feeling as though he might phase, "he what?!"

"He turned me after I had the baby; it was the only way I would have lived."

"Bells, you're really scaring me." He reached out to feel her head, then he realized that was stupid because her skin would always seem cool to him.

"No, you were there too. You saw me afterwards and I told you how much you do actually smell." She cocked her head to the side, "You don't remember?" He just looked at her blankly and she clutched her hand to her chest. What she felt almost startled her to death….her heart was beating.

Before she knew what was happening to her, big messy tears were pouring from her eyes and she wrapped her arms around herself, the way she always did, as a method of self protection. "What's wrong with me? I'm not beautiful anymore."

Jacob was floored; he had no idea what to do. In that moment he realized that he actually needed Edward's help; maybe he would know how to calm her from her state of confusion. "I'm going to get Edward." She didn't move or respond, she just sat there, crying, not understanding what was happening to her.

Edward sat across from her on her bed, looking straight into her eyes. He had sent Jacob home, but he had refused to leave, saying that he was going to sit in the living room and wait for Charlie to get home. Edward had been irritated, but when he saw how Bella was behaving, he understood why Jacob would have been concerned.

"Bella, love, what's the matter?" Edward asked her, gently stroking her wrist with his cool thumb.

"Why is your touch so cold?"

"Because I'm a vampire, sweetheart."

"But, I'm supposed to be one too. I am, you turned me and I was beautiful and perfect. I had these amazing abilities to withstand temptation against human blood and I discovered that I was a shield who could protect people from the powers of the Volturi and other vampires."

"Bella, you aren't a vampire. You are still human, until after we are married and you are ready to be turned."

Tears were streaming down her face, her chest heaved with her sobs, "I want it back, I want my life back."

"You have your life, my love; you have your beautiful, human life."

As Bella sobbed against Edward's chest upstairs in her room, Jake sat on the couch flipping through channels downstairs in the living room. There was a good part of him that wished he had never come home, that he had just continued to run freely as the wolf. He sighed, hearing her sobs of complete emptiness through the ceiling. There weren't very many things that he knew for certain, but one thing he did know was that Bella was completely settled to be a bloodsucker forever, and there was little (if anything at all) he could do to change that.


	2. Sick and Twisted

**Chapter 2: Jacob**

_Sick and Twisted_

With everything that had happened, Edward decided that they should postpone the wedding for a few weeks, so that Bella could concentrate on getting better. At least I could hold on to those couple of weeks with a little comfort.

Whatever it was that Bella had been through made becoming a vampire seem like the most glamorous thing in the world, even though I knew better. I knew vampires weren't beautiful or glamorous; they were monsters with cold bodies, stone hearts and no souls. No matter how much she believed that she would be able to withstand temptation against human blood, I knew better. If she was turned she would always be a bloodsucker to me, a leech, someone who would no longer be a part of my life.

For some reason, Bella had it determined in her head that she and Edward would have a baby and I would imprint on it. Of all the sick and twisted things I've ever heard, that had to be the worst ever. There was no way I would fall in love with a baby, especially Bella's baby; who did she think I was anyway?

Everyday after school I would go see her and she would always be the same; silent, cold, sitting in her chair and looking out the window, just like the good old days. Some things with Bella never changed. She would barely make any noise at all and whenever she did it would be in the form of sobs, and many of them. I didn't know how much longer I could deal with her grieving such a ridiculous fate. How could she be so unhappy to be alive? I will never understand the things that go on in Bella Swan's mind, no matter how hard I try.

"Bella, you must be hungry. I brought you up a sandwich and some soup." I laid her dinner out in front of her, like I was some kind of un-glorified housewife feeding her husband breakfast in bed. She didn't even look at me, just waved her hand, "I'm not hungry. I don't eat food anymore."

That was it, I couldn't take it anymore, something inside of me just exploded, "Bella, for Christ's sake, whether you like it or not, you are human! Humans need to eat and drink and bathe." I added that last detail because that was something she had not done in over a week and the smell was starting to get to me worse than the stench of the bloodsuckers. "It was all a dream or a nightmare, if you ask me. You should be glad that you woke up from that. Why in the world would you want to have some weird, genetically-impossible child that I'm supposed to imprint on like some common pedophile? What the fuck Bella? I would give anything to be able to go back to the days when I was just a regular human, without all the burdens of phasing, fighting psycho newborn vampires and bitchy redheads with vendettas. You aren't a vampire now and you never were, no matter what crazy tricks your mind is playing on you. And just because you had some crazy powers and shit, doesn't mean that's what it would actually be like. Don't be so quick to have something that could be a hell of a lot worse than you're imaging. There is no way to disguise becoming a monster with sunshine and roses, and a cherry on top!"

She hardly showed any reaction at all, she just folded her arms and continued with her staring.

"That's it! I'm done! I've been trying so hard to help you out, be there for you, cook for you and whatever, but I can see now that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped!" I angrily tossed the tray to the floor, hoping that the food would spill, "have a nice life. However long that is." I turned around and ran out of her room, not daring to look back for fear that I would run back to her side, take her hands in my own and beg for her forgiveness.

As I ran back home, so many things went through my head. I knew I was a jackass for talking to a grieving girl that way, but she really pissed me off. I was just so damn tired of hearing about how badly she wanted to become a vampire and be with Edward forever. Barf!

I tore into my house, practically breaking the wooden door off the hinges. "Easy there." Billy said to me, trying to lighten my mood, "we only have one door." I didn't bother responding, I didn't do anything, besides go to my room, slam the door shut, drop to my bed and cry into my pillows.

I awoke, three hours later, to the sound of a wolf howling. I jumped up and looked at the clock….shit. I had forgotten that it was my turn to patrol the area. I groaned inwardly, removed my clothes, threw them over my shoulder, and jumped out of my window, phasing before I hit the ground.

I circled around the house, coming to the front, "I can cover you tonight, Jake, just go back to bed."

I looked at Seth for answers, could he possibly know about what had happened with Bella. Could he possibly have known that we had a fight…..er, I had a fight with Bella?"

Seth just looked at me, a sensitive look in his wolfy eyes. "You've had a rough time lately, go home. I can handle patrol tonight."

I just looked at him, "I'm okay."

"No you're not." He replied, simply, "and if you want my opinion…." Oh here we go, now Seth Clearwater was going to tell me how it needed to be, "you need to relax. She was in a coma for over a week and clearly some things happened in her mind that she thought were real. She needs time to adjust to everything, but she'll come around."

I glared at Seth, he was like 3 years old, how was he old enough to be giving me advice like this? He just looked back at me blankly, as if he hadn't heard my thoughts. I groaned inwardly, which came out more like a growl than anything else.

"Just go home and rest, Jake; I've got this….seriously."

I thought about it for a minute and realized that as freeing as it could be to run around as the wolf, having everyone knowing how much of a bitch I am might not be a good thing. "Fine. See you later." I didn't stick around for anymore advice; I just phased back and climbed back into my room, naked.

When I woke up the next morning it seemed for a minute like things were better. Maybe it was a relief to get things off my chest, or maybe a good night's sleep can change your perspective. I didn't know for sure, all I did know was that I felt the need to go to her and apologize.

I got up, stretched, and headed for the shower. Following my shower, I threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and went into the kitchen for breakfast.

"Edward called for you." Billy told me as soon as I stepped foot into the kitchen. Ugh, there went my good mood and better perspective.

"Is something wrong?"  
"He said he wanted to talk to you, that's all. He wanted me to have you call him back."

Oh that was exactly what I wanted to do, my top priority in life. I groaned and went to get the phone. I waited what seemed like 3 hours for him to answer the phone.

"Jacob." He said, flatly.

"What? Is she alright?"

"I don't know. She seems worse today even. I really hate having to admit this, but I think she was better when you were here."

I smiled, despite myself, "So, you're inviting me over?"

"I guess so."

I almost laughed; this must have really torn the bloodsucker up. I was still mad at Bella and didn't know if I wanted to subjugate myself to more of her leech obsession crap, but I had to admit that it felt good to be needed.

Apparently I must have taken too long to process the information, because Edward sighed, irritated and spoke again, "will you come over and see her, Jacob?"

"Yeah, sure."

I wanted to throw in some asshole comment to show my dominance, but I didn't find it entirely necessary and gave up. I hung up the phone and turned to look at Billy, who was doing his best to look uninterested. "He said she's worse. He thinks she's better when I'm there. So, I'm going over there in a little bit."

Billy nodded; his mouth to his coffee cup. I poured myself a cup and then went to work creating a feast for myself…why did werewolves have to eat so much?

Once I was full I brushed my teeth and headed out. I thought about running there, and then I thought….I'll drive.

I pulled up in front of Bella's house and as soon as I spotted that stupid Volvo I groaned. Why did that asshole always feel the need to be so damn flashy? Weren't the vampires supposed to blend in and not draw a lot of unnecessary attention to themselves?

I walked up to the house, slowly, and knocked on the door. I was expecting Edward to be waiting for me, taking his post as master of the house, but it was actually Charlie who came to the door. He looked at me and a slight flicker of hope flashed in his eyes, "Jake."

I walked in and looked around; there were dirty dishes everywhere, as if Charlie had tried a billion times to make something to eat, just to find out that there was no hope. Poor Charlie, he was so useless in the kitchen. I didn't stop to chit-chat with him; I just headed for Bella's room and knocked on the door. That's when the leech opened the door for me. "Jacob." He said flatly.

I nodded at him, offhandedly, and looked around to find Bella. She wasn't at her usual post, where could she be? That's when I noticed that she was laying in bed, staring at her hands that were across her stomach. She seemed much paler and I wondered if this was how she would look as one of them. If it wasn't for the slight movement in her chest, I would have thought that maybe he had turned her after all.

I walked in and sat down at on the side of her bed. I looked at Edward and he seemed to momentarily pause, but quickly got up to give us our privacy. I didn't have to say anything to him to convince him that I meant her no harm; he could read it in my thoughts. I sent him a silent thank you telepathically, and then turned my attention back to Bella.

I reached out and touched one of her hands; I recoiled in shock over how cold her skin was. Was Edward sure she really wasn't a vampire after all? "Bella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things to you. I realize that you've been through a lot and I need to give you some time to process everything and realize that you're alright and everything's going to be fine."

Though she didn't respond, she did turn to look at me. I was very relieved to see that her eyes were still their deep chocolate brown, still beautiful the way I remembered them. "It's just that I have a hard time listening to you talk about how much you want to become a vampire. It hurts a lot."

Her head cocked to the side and she actually opened her mouth to speak, "Why?"

"Bells, you're my best friend; I love you. I don't want to wake up one day and find that you're not the Bella that I grew up with and knew better than I knew myself. Can you understand that?"

She swallowed, "I guess I can, Jake. I never really thought about it that way, I guess."

I nodded, "I know you've got an intense fear of aging and having him stay the same; I get that. I'm sure many women would love to be forever frozen at eighteen, but it's not natural Bella. You're human and it's a beautiful thing."

She rolled her eyes at me, "You won't be saying that when I'm old and wrinkly and you and Edward haven't aged a day."

I shook my head, "It won't make a bit of difference to me and I know that if Edward loves you as much as he claims to, it won't matter to him either." I paused and then continued, "Because no matter how old and wrinkly you get, you'll still be _Bella_."

She sat up and looked at me, urgently, "yes, but if my dream or alternate reality taught me anything, it was that I can become a vampire and still be me. I don't really have to give up everything I have and everyone that I love."

"I know if felt real to you, if fact I'm sure it did, but that doesn't mean that's how it would be if you were turned. And, you know that vampires can't have babies; there's no way you and Edward could have a child, but maybe it was your subconscious mind telling you that you really want to get married and have children. Maybe there was more to this dream, or whatever it was, than you think. Maybe you should get to the symbolic meanings rather than taking it all as a literal interpretation of how the future will turn out."  
"But, Jake, it was everything I ever wanted. I had Edward, immortality, the Cullens, a child, my human family and you….and you were happy. You have no idea how much I want that for you."

"I don't really think that the real me would be too thrilled with forever being linked to some mutant child of yours, honey. I don't want to be some child's pet toy. Besides, that would suck having to wait 18 years…" I trailed off, not wanting to complete the sentence…even in my head.

"But, she aged much more quickly. It would have only taken her approximately 7 years to reach full maturity."

"Bella, honey, are you hearing yourself? Do you hear how completely insane this whole things sounds? Wouldn't you think that a half vampire, half human baby would grow up **slower** than an average human, because vampires don't age? But, at least I know you're not making this shit up; nobody with half a brain or a kindergarten education could come up with something that fucked up.

She just glared at me, like she was trying to decide whether to slap me or not. I just shrugged it off; if she slapped me she'd only be hurting herself. I just couldn't help myself in saying what I was saying; the idea of this whole sordid weirdo life was just plain nuts.

She folded her arms across her chest, "Say what you want, Jake, but I think it was the most beautiful, amazing life I could have ever dreamt of. It was better than anything my conscious mind could have come up with."

I smiled, "That depends on whether your conscious mind ever involved me and our children in our future." Yeah, I couldn't help myself; I had to throw that one in for good measure.

She blushed nervously, looking as though she wanted to comment, and then changed her mind. Well, shit! I wanted to hear what snappy comeback she was planning. But, maybe it would have been laced with rejection and I would have wanted her to keep her trap shut.

I was ready to throw in another quip, when Edward rapped once against the door and popped his head in. He looked at us and a huge grin formed on his face at how well she seemed to be doing. She smiled back at him, gently.

I looked back and forth between them and decided it was my turn to step out of the room. I didn't really feel like being in there, watching them stare at each other lovingly. Yuck! I excused myself and went to retake my post at the TV.

"Wait, Jake, don't go." She yelled out, intensely, and I turned back to look at her. Her eyes pleaded with me to stay with her. I looked back at Edward who's face had fallen, completely saddened by her apparent need for me. I nodded in her direction and sat back down on the bed, "okay, I'll stay." I looked at her for a minute and it seemed as though some of her color had come back, "are you hungry at all? I could probably find something to whip up for you, if you wanted me to?"

She smiled warmly at me, "you don't mind?"

I shook my head, "nah." I got up, "I'll go see what Charlie's got out there." As I was leaving I sent a thought into my head, meant specifically for Edward, 'now you can have some time with her'. Wow, I thought, I was becoming a regular saint to that bloodsucker, what in the world was up with me? 'But don't even think about getting a drink, leech.' I added, just to piss him off. He glared at me and I knew I had succeeded in my mission. I smiled in response.


	3. Normal is a Four Letter Word

**Chapter 3: Jacob**

_Normal is a Four Letter Word_

After about a week, Bella was back to her former self. She was back to making wedding plans, visiting the Cullens on an everyday basis and trading comebacks with me as I worked on cars in my garage. Everything was back to normal….and I couldn't stand it. I hated seeing her eyes light up whenever Edward walked into the room and I certainly hated hearing about all those annoying wedding preparations. Like seriously….who fucking cared whether she had orchids or lilies in her bouquet? I'm pretty sure Bella didn't care either, she just wanted things to be normal (or maybe more like her little fairytale world had been).

I tried to act like everything was just normal and laidback between us, but I had to admit that was nearly impossible a task. Ever since she had told me of her feelings for me, I kept a little hope in my heart that she would come to her senses and realize that I was the one for her. But, the closer it got to the wedding and the more wedding plans got put into motion, the more that little flicker of hope died.

On top of everything else, Bella insisted that I be a part of the wedding. She really wanted me to be an usher or something; which meant I had to wear a tuxedo. Didn't she understand that werewolves don't wear monkey suits? Not to mention that the idea of watching her tie the knot to that bloodsucker was just about the worst thing I could think of; worse than gouging out my own eyeballs and having them force-fed to me?

"Don't you think you're being just a touch melodramatic?" Bella asked me, arms folded across her chest.

"No, I don't. I'm not wearing a tuxedo, end of story."

"Everyone else will be, you'll look really silly if you don't."

I folded my arms and looked deep into her chocolate brown eyes, "Why are you even doing this, Bells? This isn't you. The Bella that I know wouldn't care about frilly dresses, fancy bouquets and she certainly wouldn't care about tuxedos. This can't possibly be what you want."

"Jake, those things don't matter. All that matters is that Edward and I get to be together forever."

I made a face, desperately trying to hold down my lunch, "Bella, you're 18, how can you possibly be ready for this?"

"I just am, okay?" She snapped, making me take a step back in response. "I've thought about this and this is the necessary next step in my life."

"You sound about as enthusiastic about getting married as a pregnant teenager. Maybe you should take some time and think this through."

She sighed, exasperated, "Time is not something I can afford to waste."

Oh, so that's what this was about. She was afraid that if she waited too long her seventeen year old, rotting corpse of a boyfriend would lose interest in her. That was just sick; inside that boyish exterior was a 109 year-old man, who had spent a bit more time in his life preparing himself for the idea of marriage.

I rolled my eyes at her. Her obsession with the bloodsucker really got to me. I would never understand what it was that she found so fucking irresistible about him. I mean, he was a pompous, arrogant jackass who tried to control Bella's life with ultimatums and by preventing her to see me when she wanted to; yeah, that just screamed 'I'm a stand up guy' to me.

I was really tempted to say something to her that I knew I would later regret, so I just turned from her and walked away. She sighed, irritated, and walked after me. "What the hell is your problem anyway?"

That did it; any ideas I had about biting my tongue and keeping the peace where thrown out the window. "What's my problem? You're the one who's eighteen and thinking she's ready to give up everything she has to become a monster….but I'm the one with a problem? I'm not the one in love with two different guys and rushing off to get married without giving myself time to think it through."

I glared at her; she seemed so oblivious to life in general. She wrapped her arms around herself again, I knew what that meant; she was fixing to verbally attack me. "Just because you're jealous doesn't mean you need to talk to me like this. I'm sorry if I don't love you as much as you want me to, I can't help that. You don't need to act like an asshole and take it out on me."

I raised my eyebrows at her, "Well, at least I let you go where you want to and do what you want to, I don't manipulate you and I certainly don't give you ultimatums so that you'll marry me. Maybe you should reevaluate what you see in him before you sign your life away."

For a split second it looked almost like my words had made an impact. Maybe I was finally getting through to her. But, then the look on her face changed; she squinted at me and steam appeared as though it was seeping from her ears, "I hate you, Jacob Black! You think you know me and my relationship with Edward so well, but you don't have a clue. You don't know anything about love and you have absolutely no business telling me what I should and shouldn't do." With that she turned on her heels and walked away. She got into her truck, put it in gear and backed out of my driveway. All I could do was stare at her, a shocked expression on my face.

Every night for the next week it was the same; night after fucking night lying in my bed, unable to sleep. All I could think about was Bella in her wedding dress and Edward pulling her vale back to reveal her heavily made-over face, much too perfect to be beautiful. I knew that as soon as they were married, he would rush her from the party, take her somewhere halfway across the world (probably to some fucking island somewhere secluded-and hell, the fucking Cullens probably owned it, the way they owned everything else) where he could turn her and there would be no one there to save her from her doom.

Anytime I was able to find a little bit of sleep, I was ripped from my slumber by a horrible nightmare where Bella goes around biting and killing hundreds of innocent people, bloodthirsty…literally. In my nightmare, I was always the last victim before I woke up in a sweat, panting heavily.

Why did I have to let this chick get under my skin like this? Why did it have to bother me so fucking much that she wanted to become one of those things? I mean, it was her life, her choice….right? Why did I have to practically phase from just the thought of her being turned? Maybe it was the treaty. Maybe the realization that if/when he turned her we would have free reign to torture and kill every one of those bloodsuckers….wait, how could that possibly bother me? Maybe it was because I knew that I would have to hunt and kill her too. That had to be it. I didn't ever want to have to do that, but I knew that the moment she stopped being human was the moment that she stopped being my Bella and she was as good as dead. I would not let her become one of those newborns, like the ones we had fought, who went around killing innocent people. That couldn't possibly be what she would want for herself and I owed it to her and the people in Washington to keep the human population safe from sparkly immortal things who wanted to suck their veins dry.

Wow, maybe I was a bit melodramatic. Maybe I was just spending my nights borrowing trouble. It seemed like I couldn't be myself if I didn't have something to freak out about. Maybe the whole damn thing would be a blessing in disguise. I mean, it's not like I would ever be attracted to her after she was turned, so maybe I could finally move on with my life and find a girl with some sense in her head. Maybe I could even find a girl who could see me for who I am and actually want to be with me. I deserved that, didn't I? I deserved better than to constantly be chasing some fantasy that was never going to become my reality.

What was I thinking? It would never be that simple for me, I would always love this girl, no matter what happened to her. It didn't matter if she was human or not, I would always cling to the Bella I knew and loved; the one who was in there somewhere. I loved the Bella who was sympathetic, understanding and full of life. I loved her for how she looked at other people and the world; for how she looked at me. Most girls would have freaked out and ran screaming for the hills when they found out their best friend spent half of his life as a wolf. Most girls wouldn't have given me the time of day after something as psycho as that, but it never seemed to bother Bella one bit. She was never afraid that I would forget myself and accidentally eat her for lunch. The girl was absolutely fearless and that was one of the things I loved the most about her.

I sat up with a jolt and looked at the clock; it was 5:30 a.m. What day was it? Lucky for me I had the date set on my clock as well. It was August 14th, the day that Bella and Edward were to be forever bound to each other. I threw my blankets off and hopped out of bed. I couldn't just lay here like an idiot when she was about to do the stupidest thing she could possibly ever do. I threw on my clothes and jumped out of my window. I had to see her, had to talk to her one last time before she gave up her humanity. I didn't know what I was planning to say to her or what I was planning to do about it, but I had to take a chance and hope that I could make a difference.

I ran to her house, as fast as was humanly possible for me and threw a few pebbles at her window. I waited for a couple of minutes and nothing happened. I folded my arms across my chest; frantically….she had to be there. I was about to walk away when her window opened and a head peaked out over the window pane. "Jacob?" she asked groggily, wiping sleep from her eyes.

"Bella." I said, simply. "I'm sorry, I know it's late, but I had to see you this one last time."

"Jake." Her voice was soft and inviting. She stepped back so that I could jump up into her room. I looked around, taking in the room. There were boxes everywhere and her closet was empty, with one exception…..a garment bag that I knew held her white satin wedding gown. I tried hard not to focus on the bag, but it was really difficult. I had trouble getting words to come out of my mouth, "Bel-ple-Bella, please, I have to know. Is this what you really want? Do you really want to get married?"

She folded her arms across her chest, looking defensive, and then she sighed and relaxed, "I don't know."

I placed my hands on her arms, gently, forcing her to look at me, "marriage is kind of a big deal, and it's a big step. Before you do something like this you should probably be sure."

She couldn't meet my gaze, which I found odd, but she did speak, "It's already been postponed once. My mom's here, everything's set and ready; I can't just call it off on a whim."

"Bella, listen to me, this is not about your mother, your father, Alice, Esme or even Edward. Right now this has to be about you and what you truly want for your life." To my complete shock tears rolled down her cheeks and she was clinging to me for dear life, as if I could somehow make things better by holding her. I knew there wasn't much I could do, but I didn't mind pretending. "Bella, your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. You are supposed to know without a shadow of a doubt that the man you are vowing to be with forever is the man you truly want to be with. Now, I'm not saying that he isn't that for you, but I'm trying to say that maybe this isn't the right time or maybe you should take a couple years and then judge how you feel."

"I don't have a couple years."

"If he truly loves you he will wait. It won't matter that he won't age; the only thing that will matter is that you are happy."

"I just so badly want everything to be happy like it was in my dream or whatever it was. I want that happily ever after ending; the storybook fairytale ending."

"I'm pretty sure I've never seen any of the fairytales end with the princess turning into a vampire." I smiled at her, hoping to lighten the mood just a little, "Besides, I would never be happy imprinting on your child, Bella, you know that. That isn't me and it never will be."

"But you will imprint on someone and why not have it be someone close to me so that we can forever be in each other's lives?"

I looked into her rich, chocolate eyes and melted into a pile of ooze on the floor, "No one can force my feelings. It doesn't have to be that way at all; you can trust me on that."

"Jake, you can't possibly know what it will be like to imprint. You can't say how you'll feel before it happens."

"It probably won't anyway." I rubbed her arm, pulling her closer to my pounding chest, "besides, free will is a big deal to me and I can't abandon my principles."

Her words were soft and even, but they hit me like a ton of bricks, "I can't go through that, Jake. I can't devote myself to someone who will most likely meet some stranger and fall head over heels in love with her. I have a man who truly wants me and I can't walk away from that."

For the first time I really got it; fear pushed her into Edwards's arms; the fear of aging, and the fear of losing me to my imprint. How could I have been so stupid not to see this? I had no words to reassure her, all I had was my love and devotion. "It wouldn't matter if I imprinted on ten women, it would still be you that I wanted."

She looked up at me, small and fragile, and crushed herself against me. She was closer than she ever had been, even that time by the tent when she had kissed me back; it was almost as if she wished she could bury herself inside of me. I wouldn't have minded that at all, if it had been possible. My arms came around her to hold her protectively and my head bent, instinctively, as hers raised and our lips met in sweet surrender.

It was almost as if fireworks went off above my head. This was one of the greatest moments of my short life, and one I would never forget as long as I lived. I cupped her face, not wanting to lose her kisses. My tongue entered her mouth, gently dancing with her own, and she made no attempt to protest it. She moaned into my mouth and my heart fluttered, jumping in my chest.

My hands linked in her hair, I got a good look at her. She was disheveled, as if she had been having a bad dream. Her skin was flushed and the hairs on her arms stood up. She was wearing a pair of sweats and a baggy t-shirt. She was breathtakingly beautiful and REAL. "You are so beautiful. You don't need an expensive fancy dress and pearls to be beautiful, Bella. It's all natural; it's who you are, inside and out."

Tears fell from her eyes; bucket loads of tears. I didn't know what to do besides make a joke, "come on, I didn't think it was that corny."

She smiled, "That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

I pulled her to my chest, letting her cry and feeling a great sense of relief as if for the first time in a long time – maybe ever-- I might have actually gotten through to her.


	4. New Beginnings

**Chapter 4: Bella**

_New Beginnings  
_

I woke to the feeling of sunlight shining in my eyes. Why was it so bright in my room? I looked around and realized that my window was still open and the light was coming right in, dancing on the walls and shining in my eyes. I groaned, I had definitely not gotten enough sleep. I reached my arm out, to feel for my other pillow, so that I could bury my face from the sunlight, and my hand hit something hard and….muscular? Jacob!

I bolted right up, scared, what had happened last night? I thought back on the multitude of emotional events of the previous night. Oh yeah, he had come in my window and said some very deep things, kissed me and I had started to cry. After I cried for what seemed like ages, he held me, kissed me some more and rocked me to sleep. I sighed in relief; thank God we hadn't had sex or something. I didn't think I could handle the stress of all of that on the morning of my wedding. UGH! Great! I jumped out of bed and looked in the mirror….I looked horrible! _You are so beautiful._ His words continued to ring in my head, as if they were the most surprising words in the English language.

Beautiful? I didn't know about all of that….terrified was a more appropriate description of my looks at the moment. I was mortified to have to face Edward and tell him…..and tell him what exactly? Had I ever decided what I wanted to do? What would my mother think when she found out that she traveled all the way from Florida for nothing? Was it to be nothing or would I end up going through with it anyway? I didn't know what to do. I turned around and looked at Jacob's sleeping frame, feeling oddly at peace. What was it about him that had such a calming effect on me?

I went to the bathroom and slinked myself into the shower, hoping to wash my doubt away along with Jacob's hot fingerprints on my skin. It was definitely more pleasant to feel warm hands on you, holding you to a warm chest, than the opposite. Cold was…well, it was cold. It scared me to look at it that way. Was cold the way I really wanted people to think of me? Was that what I truly wanted? I wasn't sure anymore and that scared the shit out of me.

I finished with my shower and slipped into my bathrobe, careful not to walk back to my room in just my towel. I didn't need to create more passion and heat than there already was between us. I went into my room to find him pacing. When he saw me his eyes lit up, "I was worried than you had gone."

I smiled at him, he really was cute, especially when he was worried about me, "no, just needed to get myself moving."

We looked at each other, as if we were both trying to figure out how to bring up the huge elephant in the room. Finally he spoke, "so what are you going to do?"

I sighed, "I don't know." And, I really didn't know. There was so much to sort out in my head. I was about to speak again when there was a frantic knock on my door. I looked at Jacob, fear lining my face and went to open it.

Alice rushed into my room, with a look of sheer panic. "Bella, you're killing me here! I can't take all this back and forth. One minute I see you marrying Edward and being turned and all of that, and then the next second I see you sitting in some college dorm room, reading some God awful textbook. Could you just make up your mind already, you're giving me a headache?" She was talking a mile a minute, frantically pacing back and forth across the floor tiles in front of my bed.

I smiled to myself…dorm room? Wow, how come I had never actually thought about that option? That was perfect. It was the perfect setting to reevaluate my life, get my priorities in line and maybe even figure out who I was as a person. I smiled at her, almost reaching out to hug her, but then I stopped….Edward was her brother after all. What would she think if I called the wedding off? Alice had become a best friend to me over the last couple years and I didn't want to lose her.

"I think I made up my mind."

Alice nodded, seeing the whole thing play out in her mind. Jacob looked at me, clueless, wondering what in the hell I was talking about and I just smiled at him, reassuringly. "Alice, you are a sister to me and I don't want to lose that."

Alice reached out to hug me, "you will always be my sister, whether you choose to marry my brother or not or whether you are human or vampire."

I smiled at her; that really meant a lot to me. "I guess that settles it then. I have to call this wedding off. I owe it to all of us to make sure this is what I want. I need some time to figure things out and sort through my life. I hope you and everyone can understand that." I looked at Jacob, "you too."

He smiled at me, "I will deal just fine with that."

Alice looked at him and almost grimaced, "he will be just fine." Clearly she saw something in my future that indicated Jacob faired well, not that I had any sort of clue what that meant. "But, you are going to have to be the one to break the news to Edward."

The smile slid off my face, I kind of just expected that he had read her vision in her mind and had already known. "He doesn't know?"

She shook her head, "I was very careful, Bella. This is not about me, though he always manages to bring me into the middle of everything. This is between you and Edward and you and the dog. You need to talk to him, soon!"

"Talk to me about what?" Edward said, walking into the open room, his eyes closed.

"Edward!" I glared at him, "you weren't supposed to come here. You're not supposed to see me today, remember?"

"My eyes are shut." He pointed out, as if he was a super genius for coming up with some new radical idea.

Alice looked back and forth between the love triangle and dismissed herself, "well, I'm going to go take care of some stuff."

I looked at Edward and he was grinning from ear to ear, it was evident that she had somehow managed to escape his intrusive thought-reading abilities. I sighed, not looking forward to this, "you can open your eyes."

"I don't want to create any bad luck."

"You can open them, seriously."

When he opened his eyes he took in the surroundings. He looked me over, looked at my room and looked at Jacob. Then he looked back and forth between Jake and me, with a frown. "Why is he in your room when you are only wearing a bathrobe?"

"Edward, we need to talk."

He glared at Jacob, "What have you done?"

Jacob put his hands up, "I didn't do anything." I looked at Jake and almost smiled, he was telling the truth for the most part and it wasn't as though Edward couldn't read his thoughts anyway.

"That's not what your brain says." Edward glared back at me, "he slept in your bed."

"Nothing happened." I assured him, "except that I realized I need some time."

Edwards's nostrils flared and he made fists and then released them, "what exactly do you mean by that?"

"I just mean that I need to take some time to make sure that I'm ready for all of this. Marriage is a big step. So is death."

He folded his arms over his chest and Jacob shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other, clearly not wanting to be in the room for all of this. "You have been bugging me since prom to turn you and now all the sudden you're not sure if you want it? This is ridiculous."

"I'm sorry, Edward, I'm not trying to hurt you. I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for me, you know? I was thinking I could go to school for a while, maybe go to Washington State for a semester or two. I could take some general classes and maybe get involved with some extra curriculars or something and maybe I can find myself. Wouldn't you rather wait to make sure that this is right before we do something this huge?"

"I already know that we are meant to be together, Bella, I don't need to find myself to know that. Neither do you. Jacob came in here last night and put silly ideas in your head and now you are confused. You don't need to listen to him. He's just jealous because you chose me and he would do anything to make you postpone this wedding. You know that and I know it. Why should anything he says matter anyway?"

I scowled at him, what the hell was he saying? "Maybe because he's my friend and he cares about me. I don't think he was just playing me for a fool to make me call off the wedding. Maybe you don't know him the way I do."

"I guess I don't."

Jacob ran his hands over his hair, "I'm still in the room, you know. I would feel a lot more comfortable if I could give you guys some privacy to work this whole thing out."

"No, I like you where I can read you." Edward said, angrily.

"Stop it." I spat, "yes, he said things to me, but they were things I was already thinking. I've had doubts and concerns for a while now, I just pushed them aside. Well, I don't want to do that. Marriage, especially with the added strings attached, is so final and concrete. I need to figure out for sure that this is what I genuinely want for my life."

Edward reached for me. He crushed me to him, almost violently. He took in my scent, arousal evident in his eyes. The look on his face scared me, but I knew he was just mad. I felt Jacob tense and take a step towards us, ready to grab me from Edward, but I waved him off. Edward bent his head down and crushed his lips to mine, possessively. He kissed me passionately, and soon I found myself returning the kiss. My arms went around his neck as his lips traced my jaw line.

I was suddenly very aware of Jacob standing there, watching this scene and I was immediately embarrassed. I pushed back, trying to force Edward to release me. He did. I stood, evenly spaced, between both guys and looked back and forth between them. "I love you both, I do. I cannot continue to lie to myself about that. I need some time. If you can't give me that time then I suppose you surrender."

Edward raised an eyebrow, "I will never surrender. You are mine and always will be. No amount of finding yourself can change what I already know. But, if time is what you want, then time is what you shall have. I will not seek you out; you will know where to find me." With that he turned, sent a spine-chilling glare at Jacob and left the room.

After he left, I slumped down onto my bed, my head against my knees. Jacob went to me, pulling me against him, protectively, holding me with a mixture of gentleness and strength. "Bella, it will be alright. No matter what you choose, it will be alright."

He almost had me convinced. I breathed a sigh of relief, realizing that I was finally free to figure things out the way I should have all along. I no longer had to be the leaf the two gorillas fought over, until one proved more dominant. I could be my own person….not Edward's Bella or Jacob's Bella, but _Bella's_ Bella. It was a powerful thing. In that moment I began to feel more like myself than I had in years, and I believed him; no matter what I chose to do with my life, it was going to be okay.


	5. On My Own

**Chapter 5: Bella**

_On My Own_

Two weeks later, Charlie was helping me move my stuff into my tiny little dorm room. We walked into the room and I looked around, it appeared that my roommate had already arrived and set up her side the way she wanted it. It was evident from about two glances over her things to realize that she and I did not have a lot in common. It seemed as thought everything she owned was pink, and way too girly. She had a giant poster of a dog inside of a giant pink shoe, wearing a big pink bow around its neck. Her bedding was pink, her towels were pink, even her laptop was pink. I rolled my eyes at Charlie, who shielded his eyes as if he was being blinded.

"I didn't know this much pink existed." He said to me, with a big smile on his face. Apparently he found my impending doom to be comical. I glared at him, "and just what is so funny?"

"It looks like you are going to have a lot of fun with your new roommate." He laughed again, louder, "you sure you want to do the dorm thing?"

I looked at him, "you know I need to do this to help me get the full college effect." I looked around at her princess tiara, her giant care bear stuffed animal and huge mound of shoes in the closet and groaned inwardly, "I wonder if anyone has ever actually died from too much pink."

Charlie dropped my stuff onto my bare bed, "I guess we will find out."

I smiled up at him, despite myself. We unloaded my truck and put my junk away. It was amazing how much more drab my side of the room looked in comparison to the princess', but yet I liked it so much more. This girl appeared to be Alice on steroids and I wasn't sure I would have the first clue on how deal with her.

When my roommate finally did show up, she was dressed from head to toe in designer shit; her shoes looked like they cost more than the entire year's tuition. But, to my utter amazement, she was not wearing even one stitch of pink. I looked her up and down, "you must be my roommate."

She walked toward me and put out her hand for me to shake, "hey there, girl, I'm Ashley."

"Nice to meet you." I lied.

She looked at me and then looked around to her side of the room, "I know what you must be thinking. You have to be thinking that I'm either the world's biggest priss or the youngest college freshman in the history of the world." She smiled at me, "my mom decorated my room as a surprise for me." She rolled her eyes dramatically, "personally I hate the color, but I couldn't tell her that. I figured I would wait until she had left to redecorate."

I let out a laugh, much more at ease than I had been, "oh thank God."

Ashley burst out laughing, "don't get me wrong, I like shoes and I enjoy designer clothes, but I'm pretty much just an average girl at heart."

"Well, I'm about as average as they come." I told her, opening my arms to show her how average I was. Average was a very good description of who I was. I wasn't a vampire's fiancé who had a werewolf for a best friend; I was just me….or at least that was what I wanted her to think. She didn't know I was a freak, not yet anyway.

I spent the next hour getting to know my roommate. After we had talked about everything there was to talk about (well, actually she did most of the talking) we decided to hit up the dining hall together. We sat on the end of a long table (meant for a lot more people) and ate cheeseburgers and French fries. Unfortunately the food was much like the food in high school….awful!

Two days later I started my classes. I decided to take a bunch of general education classes that semester, dabbling in as much as I could in order to find my place in the world. I decided to take world history, intro to literature, math 100, biology and I even signed up for a music appreciation class. I know….me. I had no musical background what so ever, which I think was why I chose to take this class. I needed something new in my life, something that might help me look at the world differently. I knew music meant a lot of different things to a lot of different people; maybe it could mean something to me.

My biology class had a lab with it that met on a separate day. I hated dissecting things, but I really enjoyed learning about living things, I always had. Considering my love for living things, I wonder why I had been so eager to add myself to the endangered species list. It was all very strange when you thought about it.

My music class ended up being very interesting. I learned a little bit about music theory; like how many beats certain notes got and what tempo was and such, but more importantly I learned how to listen to music and hear different elements within it. I learned to listen to a piece of music and hear more than just whether it sounded pretty or not. I never understood how complex a piece of music could actually be; I grew a much greater appreciation for musicians.

History was….well, it was history. Things never really changed in history. I mean, World War I always started in the same year, no matter what course you took. I think there was something safe to me about history, something concrete. Sure, there could be different interpretations about historical events, but the basic facts never changed and that was something comfortable to me. Maybe it explained a little bit about my fear of aging and changing.

There wasn't much to say about my literature class. I just really loved it. Reading has always been a huge part of my life, maybe the one thing I was really good at. I never tired of reading a great classic and analyzing the hidden meaning within the context. It was a great class and I knew after the first day that I would ace it without much effort.

Going to this school and taking these classes was important to me because I wanted to learn as much about everything as I possibly could. My classes were intellectually stimulating and accurately challenging. I grew intellectually and analytically through those classes. Unfortunately they did little to foster my development emotionally and spiritually. Unfortunately they didn't offer any classes like "to die or not to die 101" or "so you want to marry a vampire 100?" I guess things would never be that clear cut for me, but I knew the answers I was looking for were out there somewhere.

That's when I stumbled onto the debate team…literally. I was walking through the campus center, book in hand, barely paying any attention to where I was walking, and I tripped over some guy's big feet. I stumbled and fell, throwing my book about ten feet away, as my body landed on the floor, face first in front of a couch full of handsome guys. What the hell? Why did I always have to be so damn clumsy?

The guys looked at me in horror and amusement; they seemed as though they were debating whether they should laugh or not. One of the guys, who later introduced himself as Steven, helped me to my feet and fetched me my book. "Wow, Romeo and Juliet, that's some heavy reading."

I looked up at him, trying to figure out whether he was being serious or not, "you think so? I think it's rather light; it's kind of your typical teen love story. Guy and girl fall in love, but it was not allowed so they have to keep it hidden, then they sacrifice their own lives to be together for eternity." Before I had even finished the words I noticed the similarities between this classic story and my real life. That's strange.

The guy raised an eyebrow, "you think that's a typical teenage love story? I don't know what teenagers you know, but from where I'm from teenagers never get serious enough about anything to want to sacrifice their life for it. I mean, come on, kids change their minds more frequently than they change their underwear….trust me I know; I used to be a very dirty child."

I laughed at him, trying to think about what he was saying. Was he saying that Romeo and Juliet was improbable because teenagers could never get serious enough about another person to want to kill themselves to be together? Well, that couldn't possibly be true?

As I was thinking about the meaning behind his words another college boy (whose name turned out to be Travis) chimed in, "Please, I don't even think there is any value to this story. I mean, come on, what person would want someone to kill themselves so that they could be together for eternity? I mean if you truly loved someone you would want them to live, right? None of us know what eternity will be like, maybe people won't even get to be together the way they think they will, but killing yourself….that's just immature. If they both hadn't been so willing to axe themselves they would have survived and maybe they would have realized that they didn't really love each other as much as they thought they did. They probably would have grown up a bit and realized that the whole thing was merely just lust and infatuation and they could have moved on to someone who they could have a future with; someone who truly knew them and loved them for who they were on the inside."

I stood there, mouth hanging open, "so you don't think that they could really have loved each other?"

"Of course not. It was love at first sight. They didn't know anything about each other, just that they were attracted to each other. Attraction and lust isn't reason enough to go against your family and your friends. I could see if they had spent months and years getting to know each other maybe taking a risk in having family problems, but they barely knew each other at all."

Jordan stood up and joined the conversation, "and the things that used to be seen as romantic back in those days, people now look at as stalking. Watching a chick through her bedroom window and scaling the balcony to see her would get you arrested nowadays."

"But, what happens if he wanted to ensure her safety, because he was concerned for her?" I asked, truly interested in what the guys had to say.

"He was probably just trying to make sure she didn't have another man in her bed. You know how guys are, especially when they want to make a claim on a woman; they're always getting jealous and trying to make sure that another man doesn't move in on their chick."

My throat went dry, why did I feel such a connection to these characters? "Well, shouldn't he be concerned about another guy?"

"Of course he should be, but he should know better than to be obsessive about it. I mean, girls don't normally react well to over protective guys being all up in their grill. Also, if a guy really loved her he would trust her enough to make the right choice. Yes, he may be concerned, but he would know that the way to a woman's heart is through patience and understanding and giving her the space to sort herself out."

And that's when it happened; I finally was able to take a step back and look at my crazy, mixed up life with a bit more clarity. These guys made me want to scream back at them in argumentative fashion, but at the same time I wanted to learn more. I wanted to hear more about what these intellectuals thought about love and relationships. They say that girls learn how to have healthy relationships from their parents. How in the world would my parents have taught me anything valuable about marriage? Maybe I didn't really know as much about love as I thought I did.

I realized that I had a lot to learn and these guys could be the vessels through which life lessons could be taught. After discussing things with them in great detail, they invited me to become part of their debate team and I accepted. It would be interesting to debate moral dilemmas with them and learn about perspectives that differed from my own. It was a really enlightening experience.


	6. The New Girl

**Chapter 6: Jacob**

_The New Girl_

I hadn't seen Bella for months. The last time I laid eyes on her was that day I had woken up beside her and she had postponed the wedding. I think it was one of the most hopeful days of my life. It was that day that I realized why I had been fighting so fucking hard all that time; she really needed to hear what I had to say. My perspective was important. It was a revelation that affected me deeply.

After she went away to school I buried myself in my class work and pack stuff. I spent more time on patrols, I put more effort into my grades and I even went out with friends once in a while. I became less of a homebody….which was a refreshing turn of events.

But, despite Quil and Embry's attempts at a new love connection, I remained focused; my eyes on the prize. I knew that at some point Bella would call and want to see me and we would talk and figure out where we stood. After all, I had kissed her that night in her bedroom and she had kissed me back, passionately. It had been even more than the kiss by the tent, because I knew she wasn't doing it out of desperation; she really wanted it. When she had moaned into my mouth, I felt every hair on my body stand up…..along with some other things. At that moment, as soon as her mouth had met mine, I knew I would always love that girl.

"Come on dude, you NEED to ask her out." Quil was like a broken record, it was the same thing everyday. For some dumb reason he had it set in his mind that I should ask Ali Winters out. Ali (her real name was Allison) was the head cheerleader and basically Princess Barbie. Okay, so I can admit that she was good looking (maybe even hot) but there are so many more important qualities to consider in a girl. I mean, for one thing this girl didn't know the first thing about cars, except that she liked them new and pretty looking. Come on, how could I possibly be with a girl like that? And, for another thing, I was pretty sure she was literally the dumbest person in our school. In fact, I remember a time in history class that she actually asked what year the war of 1812 occurred in. To say this girl was dumb was actually giving her a compliment.

"I don't really think we would hit it off."

Embry smiled, getting into the conversation, "Quil, you tell him this everyday and everyday he always has the same response. You might as well just give it up." There they went with that good cop/bad cop thing again.

Quil gave Embry a pout and I couldn't help but smile; he was such a moron. "You know, Quil," I said, "You really must not know me at all if you think I would be interested in someone like Ali. Sure, she's pretty and all of that, but there are other more important things; like brains. I like girls with brains."

Then Quil retorted with, "so what are you doing with Bella?"

I glared at him and a growl rose in my chest. I hadn't meant to react that way, but clearly the wolf had other plans.

Embry looked into my eyes, "dude, he was just joking. You can cut the crap now, Jake, don't go phasing because he poked fun at your precious."

Oh, so now he wanted to be bad cop, huh? I shook my head, "I'm not going to phase." I was immediately tired with this conversation, so I got up from the table, dumped my tray and left the cafeteria to wander the halls.

I walked out of the cafeteria and the hall monitor gave me a glare, I raised my eyebrows and gave him an intimidating look and he immediately backed down from whatever stupid thing he was planning to say to me. I quickly turned on my heel and decided to take the long pathway, around the gym, to the rest of the school.

As I walked around the school I passed the weight room. Hmmm, maybe I should start going there after school. Maybe that would give me something to do while I waited patiently for Bella to call. I ran my hands through my hair and couldn't help but think of Bella again. I imagined what it would be like when she finally did call me for the first time since she left for the semester. What would she say to me? What would I say to her? Would we talk about that night in her room? Would she tell me that she has changed? I was so enthralled with all the scenarios playing out in my mind that I didn't realize a girl was walking towards me. I obliviously walked right into her, not paying attention, and her book fell out of her hands and papers were strewn all over the hallway.

She sighed, obviously irritated, and who wouldn't be? I felt bad, a blush coming to my cheeks, and I bent down to help her gather up all the papers. Her eyes bore holes in my head and I didn't even want to look up at her. But, when I did, what I saw made me go weak in the knees; she was the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on; with the exception of Bella of course. Her hair was the color of milk chocolate, with just a hint of a gold shimmer and her eyes….her eyes were the deepest green I had ever seen. I drew in a breath and stared at her for what seemed like two seconds, though it must have been at least two minutes. All signs of irritation left her face when she looked back at me; must be she liked what she saw as well (that or she was terrified of me).

After a couple of minutes I found my voice again and I said, "I'm sorry I ran into you like that. I've had a lot on my mind and I wasn't paying attention."

"Oh that's alright." She said, inspecting her stuff, which she shifted uncomfortably in her arms, "no damage done."

It was then that she really looked me over, "Wow, you're…."

"Huge?" I finished for her.

She laughed and I watched her nose curl up, my stomach doing flip-flops. "I guess that was a good description." Then she held out her hand for me to shake, which I did, tingles shooting up my arm. "I'm Jamie."

"Jacob." I croaked. What in the hell was wrong with me, I never acted this way around girls, not even Bella?

"Well, Jacob, what class are you skipping right now?"

I smiled, "Just lunch."

"Oh, so that makes you either a junior or a senior."

"I'm a junior."

"I'm a sophomore, but I just moved here about a week ago."

Well, that explained why I hadn't ever seen her around, "I guess that's why I've never seen you around before. Because I definitely would have remembered if I had." Oh God, did I seriously just say that out loud? I was acting like a thirteen-year-old girl.

If she thought I was a moron she didn't let me know it, "Well, I definitely would have remembered you too."

I smiled (actually it was more like a wide, toothy grin), "So, what class are you skipping right now?"

"I'm not; I have study hall right now. I was on my way to meet with my math teacher. I'm so behind. It's really hard missing so much of the beginning of the year."

"I bet." I told her. I was such a loser, why couldn't I have come up with something at least mildly witty to say? "So, where did you move here from?"

"Cincinnati."

My eyes widened in surprise, "Why in the world did you move here?"

She laughed, "I moved in with my dad. He lives on the rez, so naturally I decided to go to school here."

"Your fathers a native?" I asked, completely surprised. She did not look like she was half native, that was for sure.

"Yes." She laughed, "I know I don't look like it, I just got my looks from my mother's side."

"Ah." I responded, dumbly. She clearly realized that I had nothing to say, so she decided to turn the tables and ask me some questions. "So what would have prompted a healthy teenage male to skip out on lunch?"

"I just needed to think for a while, that's all."

"Anything I can do to help?" She asked, innocently enough, but my mind went places they should never have gone. There were so many, very tempting, things she could have done to help me out, but I didn't feel I should mention them.

I swallowed, "I'm actually much better now. Thanks though." I hoped she wouldn't look down and notice my bulging crotch….that would have just been way too embarrassing, even for a werewolf who spent half his life naked.

I tried to think of anything else but those dirty thoughts, but my mind was a complete blank, "so, would you mind if I walked you to math?"

She smiled up at me, "that would be nice, but you don't have to do that." I smiled and took her books from her arms. She released the tension in her arms and smiled at me, "thanks."

I smiled back, I couldn't even feel her books in my arms; I was as high as a kite. We started walking and she continued to ask me questions. "So, how did you get so big anyway?"

I looked at her. It was an innocent enough question, but I certainly couldn't tell her the truth. 'Um, I'm actually a werewolf' didn't sound like the greatest response to give a girl that you just met. "Well, I don't know. All of my friends are big too, we work out together." That wasn't a lie; it just wasn't the whole story.

"Wow, so there are other guys your size around this place?" She looked at me with wonder and surprise, as if I was one of those giants from Lord of the Rings.

"Yeah," I told her.

"Wow, there must be lots of happy girls at this school."

I decided not to respond to that. I didn't know how to and I didn't want to. I was about ready to ask her another question about herself, when her gaze ripped from me and she was staring at something across the hallway. I turned to look at what she was looking at and stopped dead in my tracks. Sam.

"He must be a friend of yours."

I didn't even respond I just looked at Sam, who was grinning from ear to ear. I didn't know I had stopped moving, until I could feel my legs wobbling underneath me. What the hell was happening to me now? For Pete's sake, it was just Sam.

Sam walked over to us, "Hey Jake, who's your friend?"

I didn't respond. I was too busy trying to figure a way to get out of whatever stupid situation this was going to turn into. Instead, Jamie reached out her hand to him, I'm Jamie."

Sam shook her hand and said warmly, "It's a pleasure to meet you Jamie, I'm Sam." Sam turned his attention back to me. The look on his face screamed excitement and hope. I couldn't stand it, I didn't want him getting in the middle of whatever this was and trying to control another aspect of my life. In that moment I retreated back to the old Jacob. I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and then I managed to croak out, "I've gotta go." I bolted away from them, ran to the emergency exit, threw it open (causing the alarm to start blaring) and I wolfed out before anyone could see who had run out of the school. I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going, I just started to run.

About twenty yards from the school he was in my head. _Jacob, stop it. Where are you going?_

_I don't know and I don't care. _It was so infuriating having someone reading your thoughts; you could never get any peace. _What do you want anyway? Are you going to try and control me some more?_

_Jake, I know things with Bella have been hard on you. I'm just excited at the prospect that maybe you could find yourself liking another girl._

_It's not like that, Sam, I just met her._

_But you obviously must have some interest in her. I've never seen you like that before. It was as if…._

He didn't finish his thought, he didn't have to. I knew what he was thinking and I glared at him. There was no way in hell that he was going to say that word out loud. _No! I don't want to hear it._

_But, if it's true than it's a good thing. That means you could finally move on from Bella, it's what you've wanted for so long._

_No, I did not imprint on Jamie, okay? _I wasn't hearing any of this nonsense. I wasn't even sure I believed in the whole imprinting thing. Maybe it was just something the others made up to justify themselves.

_You know imprinting is real, you asshole. I would never have hurt Leah if it wasn't for the imprinting and you know that. Don't be a bitch about this, Jake. This girl is beautiful and she is obviously interested in you. This is a good thing!_

I don't even know what it was like to imprint. How would I even know if I had?

_Well, if you did we will all know soon enough. You will feel a constant pull to her and you will not be able to think of anything but her. There will be no concealing your imprint; we will all read it in your mind. Jake, open your mind to the idea of this. Just think how happy you could be together._

But, I didn't want to be happy with anyone but Bella….didn't I? I had always believed that Bella was the one for me, but today something had happened to me. Jamie did have some way of getting under my skin and making it hard for me to think of anything but her. Was that what it was like to imprint? I had no idea, but I really didn't think I was ready to find out. What would I do if I found out I did imprint on her? What would happen then? How would Bell and I ever be able to be together?

I turned a yellow eye into Sam's direction. He had read everything in my mind again. I hated having no secrets; it was such a huge pain in the ass! _Fine, I will let you know if I figure it out. _As soon as the thoughts had gone from my mind to his I phased back to my human form and walked back to my house, butt naked.


	7. Broken Heaters Make For Good Times

**Chapter 7: Jacob**

_Broken Heaters Make for Good Times_

A week later it was our last day of classes before Christmas vacation and I was totally ready. It pissed me off that this thing with Jamie had happened and left me so confused about everything. When I was with her I was excited, flushed and couldn't think of anything but her, but when I wasn't with her all I could do was feel confused and scared. I hated the tennis match always being played in my mind. I hadn't wolfed out since that day with Sam. I didn't want my friends to read my thoughts and know anymore than they already knew. It was hard enough having Quil and Embry singing the K-I-S-S-I-N-G song to me everyday during lunch, but to have them know that there was a possibility that I had actually imprinted on her…that was an entirely different story all together.

The pack had decided to take a couple of days off around Christmas and just enjoy spending time with our families. That was perfectly fine by me; I had no intention of going to any meetings or doing any patrolling anytime soon anyway. I knew Sam was pissed at me for abandoning the pack, but he was forced to deal with it, because I wasn't going to take his alpha bullshit anymore either.

Before I left for vacation Jamie had given me her phone number and asked me to call her and let her know if I was available to get together for New Years. Of course I wanted to jump up and say 'sure! For you I'm totally available', but I was way too much of a coward and a chicken for that. So instead I smiled dumbly at her and slid her number into my pocket. I forced myself to walk away and play it casual, not wanting to seem too eager and end up getting myself in trouble, or make anyone think that I may have imprinted on her. I was not willing to even deal with the possibility of an imprint, let alone give anyone cause to jump to the conclusion.

I walked in my front door, a smile on my face, and looked around. Where was Billy? I noticed a note on the counter and picked it up.

Jake,

Sue, Charlie and I are getting together at Charlie's for a while. I left food in the refrigerator for dinner. Also, Bella called for you and I told her you would call her back. Be home later!

Billy.

At the sight of Bella's name, I got instantly excited to talk to her. I was excited, but I was also afraid that she would find out about Jamie. I knew that there wasn't really anything to speak of, but I didn't know how the conversation would go. I reached for the phone, desperately wanting to call her back, curious about what she would want to talk about. I dialed her number too quickly and then I noticed my heart pounding in my chest and realized that maybe I had been a little hasty. I was terrified of what we would say to each other. But, before I had too much time to dwell on my nerves, she answered the phone. "Hey Jake." She said; her voice soft and even.

The sound of her voice was music to my ears. I had missed her so much, it almost caused physical pain. "Hey Bella." I responded, my throat dry and my eyes the opposite of dry.

"I'd like to see you." Those were simple, plain words, but they did a number on me. I wanted to see her too, so badly, but I was still afraid.

"You are welcome to come over whenever you like."

"Is now okay?"

Now?! I really hadn't been expecting her to want to come over immediately. Of course it was alright, I would never deny myself the chance to see her, but I just really hoped I could pull this whole thing off.

"Sure, now is great." I told her, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. We hung up and I stood there for a few minutes. I really had to get myself together. It would only be a matter of minutes before she appeared at my door and I needed to get a grip on myself. What the hell was happening to me?

I ran to the bathroom and looked at myself; I looked like a disheveled mess. Had I gone to school like this? Had I stood and talked with Jamie like this? If I had then I should be ashamed of myself. No, I couldn't have looked like this earlier; someone would have made a comment…..probably Quil or Embry. I must have done this to myself after I got home. I splashed some cold water on my face, fixed my hair and brushed my teeth. I was just about to floss when there was a knock on the door. I felt my stomach jump into my throat and headed over to answer the door. I opened the door so slowly it was like I was trying to postpone the revealing of what was behind door number one.

Once I finally got the door open, I looked at her. She was even more beautiful than I remembered; her skin had a healthy glow to it, her hair seemed shinier and her eyes appeared as if they were dancing. This was not the Bella I remembered. Something hit me deep inside and I had to remind myself to breathe. "Bella." I whispered, unable to get my voice to work.

She smiled at me, wider than she had in ages, and looked up at me. I thought she must have been judging my appearance as well, but she didn't say anything. I wasn't sure how I should greet her; we left things in an interesting place. She moved forward and then back, as if to determine the same thing. Finally she reached her arms up and linked them around my neck in a strong, warm hug. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her closer to me. I closed my eyes and took in her scent, letting it wrap around me in comfort and security.

"Bella, you look even more beautiful than I remember."

She looked up at me, running her hands through my hair, "and you look like life has been good to you."

I smiled at her, not sure how to respond to that one, "I've been keeping myself busy. You wouldn't believe how much my grades have improved."

"I guess I should go away more often then." Even though she was smiling there was a hint of sadness in her eyes.

I shook my head, "No. I like it better when you're here."

A huge grin formed on her face, "I like it better when I'm here too. You wouldn't believe how institutionalizing those dorm rooms feel. It's so nice to be home."

"And what have you been up to?"

"I've been dabbling in some different classes, even a music class. I really enjoy it, its giving me an outlet to express myself. Also, I joined the debate team."

"Really? Wow, what is that like?" I was genuinely surprised.

She smiled at me, "I kind of ran into them. Well, actually I fell into them, but you know me. We started to talk about Romeo and Juliet of all things and I got to hear the story from multiple perspectives and I realized how much I enjoyed that. They invited me to come to a meeting and I went. What I heard was amazing. They were able to expand my mind and make me feel like a well-rounded thinker. I will never look at the world the same way again."

"Wow." I couldn't come up with anything intelligent to say so I just gave up. "So, did you ace all of your classes?"

"Pretty much." She looked up and me, gently twisting a lock of my hair around her finger. It was then that I realized I was still holding her in my arms. I felt really stupid and quickly released her. She smiled at me with a look of disappointment. I didn't know how to react to that.

"Can I get you something?" I asked her.

"Maybe some hot tea or something; I can't seem to get warm."

I looked out the window and noticed that it was snowing steadily. "Looks like it's really coming down out there."

She waved her hand, "Eh, it's not a big deal."

I went to the kitchen and started to boil the water for her tea. She went into the cupboard and pulled out her favorite mug (the one I had made for Billy when I was 8) and grabbed the tea bags. I loved watching her in the kitchen; she knew where everything was just like she actually lived here. There was just something about her that made her look even lovelier when she was in the kitchen. I knew how barbaric that sounded, but I didn't mean it that way.

I didn't realize that I was staring at her until the pot started whistling and we both jumped a mile. Awkwardly, we both made a quick movement to the pot and I accidentally hit her hand onto the hot metal part of the pot. She drew in her breath and instinctively pulled her hand away, nursing her soon-to-be-burn. I felt so bad; I didn't know what to do. I took her hand and kissed it and then kissed it again and then kissed it again. "I'm so sorry."

She smiled up at me, "It was an accident. And, honestly, I don't even feel it anymore." I looked into her eyes, captivated once again. We just stood there staring at each other, neither one of us making any effort to move from our mental embrace.

When I finally pulled myself from my own fantasy, I poured the water into her mug and handed it to her, careful not to allow her to get burned a second time. I found some cookies that I thought she might enjoy with her tea and grabbed them from the cupboard. I lead her into the living room and to the couch so that we could get comfortable to talk.

I couldn't tell for sure, but she seemed as though she might have been a bit nervous. I didn't want her to be nervous around me, but I had to admit that my stomach was doing flip-flops as well. I didn't know if it was being alone with her or the thing with Jamie or both. I just knew that it was hard to act casual when everything in your being wanted to scream.

We talked for two straight hours, about school, the pack, her debate team, her roommate and everything….with the exception of Jamie. Jamie was the last thing I wanted to talk to Bella about, until I had a reason to. Wait….did I say until? I meant unless I had a reason to. Oh God. I hadn't realized how much time had passed until it started to get dark outside. I looked at the clock on the wall and my eyes practically popped out of my head. "Wow, we've been talking for two hours."

She smiled, "wow." She shifted and started to get up from the couch, "I should probably get home."

I sighed; I didn't want her to leave.

We walked to the door and I looked out, the snow was coming down in droves. It was a total white out and you couldn't see your hand in front of your face. The driveway was covered in snow, almost to the top of the tires on Bella's truck. There was no way she was going to be able to go out in this.

"Um, Bells, I think you should chill here for a while. It's not safe to go out in that."

"I'm sure I'd be fine once I got onto the road. I bet they've plowed recently."

I folded my arms across my chest, "Seriously, it's too dangerous. You can't see anything out there, it's not safe. You should just wait out the storm here. We will get your car out so you can go home as soon as the blizzard lets up."

She paused for a minute, thinking and then nodded her head, "I suppose you are right. I need to call Charlie though."

I smiled and handed her the phone. She called Charlie and told him that she was going to stay here until the storm cleared and he said that Billy and Sue were staying there. So, basically, we had the house all to ourselves until the storm was over. That was really good----and yet completely terrifying---news.

I looked at Bella and noticed that she was shivering. I desperately wanted to wrap her in my arms and warm her up the most effective way possible….hot naked skin against hot naked skin. I shook my head to clear my mind, why was I having these kinds of thoughts? _Um, probably because you're a horny teenage boy. _ I guess my mind knew more about me than I wanted to admit.

"I'll go turn up the heat." I told her. We kept the house pretty cool all year long because heat was expensive in this crappy economy and because I was a werewolf who never really got cold. Billy had adapted to being cold and it didn't bother him that much. But, for Bella, it was probably way too cold in my house. I went to the thermostat and cracked up the heat to 70 degrees. I waited for the little click when the heat started up, but it never happened. 'Shit! The stupid heater must be broken again.' This was another reason why we didn't use the heat all that much….it was a stupid piece of shit. "I'm sorry Bells; it looks like the heater isn't working." I didn't know what we were going to do; I didn't want her to freeze to death. "Uh, I could maybe set a fire in the fireplace."

"Yeah," she said, "that should help."

We headed to the living room and I proceeded to set a fire in the fireplace. This was something I hadn't done since making the change into a werewolf. Back in the day I used to have to set fires all the time though, because it seemed like our furnace was always on the fritz. I lit the fire and something came over me; I decided to play one of those multi-artist compilation-type Christmas c.d.'s. She smiled at me and it was then that I realized how intimate the setting really was.

I settled back on the couch, next to her, fidgeting nervously. I had no idea what I thought would come of all of this or what I even wanted from it. I looked at her and couldn't help but notice that she was still shivering. Damn, the fire hadn't been enough to warm her. I instantly felt bad about the crappy heating the house had. It had crappy everything, really. Instinctually I moved closer to her, slipping my arm around the back of the couch. She looked at me and moved closer, which let me know that she was totally comfortable with the prospect of me warming her physically.

As my arm came around her shoulders, she slid in even closer, resting her head against my shoulder. I heard a small sigh escape her lips and wondered how long she had wanted to do this. Trust me, it didn't bother me too much either. I looked into her eyes, just as she was looking into mine, and within seconds our lips were pressed gently together, hers feeling so soft and delicate against mine. I think a sigh escaped my lips at that point, pulling her even closer to me. She was so tiny and delicate in my arms; I feared I might get caught up in the moment and crush her.

My hands were all over her back, on her neck and in her hair. I didn't want to let her go, but I also didn't want to make things more complicated either. How far was I prepared to let this go with Bella? What about Jamie? These were questions I wasn't ready to answer and therefore, I had to tread the waters very carefully. I had no intention of deepening the kiss, but it happened regardless. Before I knew what was happening, my hands were roaming against the soft, gentle flesh of her back, under her shirt. I could feel her trembling against me, to which I responded by kissing at her neck and her jaw line.

"Oh Jake." She whispered and it was as if those were the most intense words ever spoken. I felt myself tingle all over and my erection practically double. I really had to control myself so as to not just take her right then and there. That was probably a bad idea, considering everything, and I didn't want to do something that I would later regret.

I breathed in her scent, her hair all around me. "God Bells," I whispered. It was against my better judgment to let things go any further, but my raging hormones took over and made all the decisions for me. I pulled her onto me; her legs wrapping around my waist and her hips began to move in rhythm with mine.

I didn't know what to make of all of this; things had never been like this before she went away to college. What was making her react this way around me? I wanted to stop and ask her what all of this meant, but again, I was being controlled by the wrong brain.

She moved with me and I longed to throw her clothes to the floor. My hands were all over her; tracing circles on her back, running through her hair, cupping her breasts and grasping at her hot little ass. I couldn't seem to get enough. She moaned against me and I replied with an equally contented moan. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to feel myself inside of her and I felt the wolf stirring within me at the primal need. I had to focus my mind to control myself from taking her right then and there.

As I looked into her eyes I saw nothing that prompted me to stop. Her eyes were half rolled back into her head, glazing over. The moans that were escaping her lips were desperate, intense and incredibly sexy. God, this woman really knew how to get me going. I felt as though I might wolf out and fought very hard at the urges that were tearing at my insides.

This was all I had wanted for as long as I could remember and I was finally in the middle of it, but I wasn't sure I would be able to continue. I was out of control, almost to the point of no return. I had to stop her, it was too irresistible. With a huge, very upsetting, sigh I pushed her off me and back onto the couch beside me. She looked up at me, a look of confusion and disappointment clearly written all over her face. "What's wrong?" she asked me after about a minute or two of just sitting next to each other in silence.

"I'm sorry, but I just can't do this."

I wasn't completely sure, but it looked to me like she might have actually pouted her lower lip at me. "Well, why not?"

"It's complicated. I'm sorry, you didn't do anything wrong. I just can't explain it right now."

She looked into my eyes, searching for something and then she looked away, folding her arms across her chest. "I guess I just came on too strong."

I sighed, "Bells, you didn't do anything wrong, I'm just dealing with some things right now. Trust me, I wanted it as much as you did, but it's complicated."

I could see the hurt on her face, "is there someone else? Jacob, have you imprinted?"

I groaned, this was really not what I wanted to be talking about. I had no idea how to explain all of this to Bella; I needed time to sort out what was going on before I could explain everything. And, was she trying to insinuate that there couldn't be another girl without the imprinting? That was just a little bit arrogant. She must not have meant it that way.

"No, I haven't imprinted." I paused, "at least I don't think I have."

She raised an eyebrow at me, "you don't think you have? What the hell does that mean?"

"It means that I don't think I have. I'm sorry I don't have an explanation for everything, things are a bit confusing for me right now." Why did I feel the need to apologize and defend myself to her? It wasn't like Bella was my girlfriend; she had made that quite clear before. And, how many times had she chosen that bloodsucker over me? What the hell "Bella, no offense or anything, but I don't owe you an explanation, okay? I don't know if I've imprinted or not, Sam is trying to help me figure it all out. When I know something, you will be one of the first to know."

She stood up, practically shooting fire from her pupils and crossed over to the door. She grabbed her coat, scarf and gloves and threw them on in frenzy. I rushed after her, trying to stop her from leaving so fast. "Bella, where are you going?"

"Home. The snow has let up a bit."

I looked out the window, "No it hasn't. If anything its worse than it was before. I know you are mad at me right now, but you can't just go running off like a child. Especially in these weather conditions." After I said it I knew it was a bad idea.

She glared at me, "did you just call me a child?"

"If the diaper fits…" I trailed off, trying to sound like I still meant it.

Apparently that was enough for her; she threw the door open, snow whooshing into the house. She trudged through the knee-high snow over to where she had parked her truck. She frantically tried to bury the car out so that she could get in it and drive away, but it was a feet and a half. The snow was practically up to the door and it was heavy snow too. There was no way she was going to get into that truck.

"Bella, for crying out loud!" I yelled, trying to be heard over the raging winds. I caught up to her and grabbed her arm, "come back inside!"

"I would rather stay out here in the snow bank than go back in there with someone who thinks I'm a child."

"Okay, I'm sorry about that Bells, I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it, really."

She rolled her eyes at me, "yes you did, I know you did."

"No I didn't, I made a mistake." I looked at her as sweetly as I was capable of and I could tell that she melted a bit. "Come inside and I will make you some hot chocolate with the little marshmallows. I will even add some extra chocolate for you, just the way you like it."

She rolled her eyes at me, "fine, but that doesn't mean that you're suddenly back on my nice list."

"That's fine by me; that will just give me free reign to be naughty." I smiled a crooked smile at her.

"Okay, sign me up for that." She said and my cheeks turned red. What had gotten into this girl to make her such a sex-starved maniac?

I helped her through the snow and back into the house, where we warmed ourselves by the fire and went back to the way things had been before we put the moves on each other. It was almost like those wonderful moments of pure passion had never happened….almost. Underneath it all we both knew it was there and it was incredibly difficult to ignore.


	8. Irresponsible

**Chapter 8: Bella**

_Irresponsible_

I thought long and hard about the events that had taken place at Jacobs's house. What had come over me? I had acted like a sex-crazed maniac and a jealous girlfriend; both of which I was not. I mean, I was a virgin and had never really done much to put the moves on anyone before; with Edward as a slight exception. I didn't have the first clue about how to seduce a man and had never really bothered trying, but that day at Jake's had been so different. Not to mention the fact that I had no business getting jealous over a possible imprint after everything that we had been through. I had pushed him aside so many times, for Edward, and it was as if I just expected him to wait for me and continue to pine for me for the rest of his life. How incredibly immature was that?

I wanted Jacob to be happy, didn't I? Of course I did. I couldn't possibly care about him at all if I didn't. But, why did it bother me so much that there was another girl who he may or may not have imprinted on? Besides that, what control did I really think I would have over the situation? I always knew it was just a matter of time before he would see some beautiful girl across a crowded room and suddenly there would be no one else there. I think a big part of the reason I continued to push him away was because I knew that we would never be together. I didn't want to set myself up for the inevitable pain that would come from losing my Jacob to some random girl off the street. I couldn't bear to think about it, so maybe that was why I had rejected him so many times. It was a revelation that struck me deep to the core. Had I been afraid to feel things for him because of my own insecurities? There was nothing saying that he was definitely going to imprint. It was possible (and likely) that he would spend his entire life with his own free will. But, I guess the possibility was too much for me to withstand.

But, throwing myself into his arms and moving myself against him had to have come from somewhere. I know I wasn't just horny and looking for some attention. Stupid, lonely girls did things like that. I was not one of those kinds of girls. Clearly there was some sort of desire there between us; some passion that neither one of us could really deal with.

I went into a kind of seclusion after the episode at Jake's. I didn't feel like going anywhere, almost as if I was punishing myself for the way I had acted. Maybe he had been right; maybe I did act like a child. I hated thinking of myself in that way, I had always thought of myself as mature for my age and an old soul. It rocked my world to think that I could be seen as childish. Maybe I didn't know as much about myself as I had thought I did.

I withdrew into myself; not talking when Charlie would ask me questions about school, the debate team and of course my love life. He had never been one to really get himself into my affairs of the heart, but I guess he was curious about what I was planning to do about my obvious Edward/Bella/Jacob love triangle. The truth was that I wasn't sure what I was planning to do about it. Maybe there was nothing left to do. Maybe I just had to sit back and see how things played out….something I was not accustomed to doing. I always tried to be in control of everything, it scared me to death to not know what was going to happen from one moment to another, but unfortunately there was not much planning I could do on this one.

Christmas came and went and I barely noticed. It was nice getting to be home for the holiday and spend it with Charlie. Renee called and I got to talk to her and Phil on the phone for Christmas, which was nice, but unfortunately it did nothing for my depressed (and horribly confused) mind. I was content to spend my time in seclusion, not having to see or talk to anyone, which put a hitch in things when my debate team friends invited me to a New Years Eve party. I wanted so badly to decline and spend the holiday reading, but school had made me feel so new and refreshed. Maybe it was a good idea to get out and see these guys.

After I accepted the invite, I proceeded to make myself look a little bit presentable. I bathed, ran a comb through my hair, put on some jeans and a nice sweater, and even put on a bit of make-up. When I had finished I stepped in front of my full length bathroom mirror and checked myself out….not too shabby. I figured I looked good enough for a bunch of nerdy guys anyway.

I almost smiled to myself, thinking of how nerdy these guys could really be when they wanted to be. Too bad they were all a lot cuter than they ever got credit for. I grabbed my coat and headed out the door, giving Charlie a yell as I left. I got into my truck and took off for a party that I anticipated consisting of 6 guys and chess boards.

When I arrived at the off-campus house (that looked a lot like a frat house if you asked me) where the party was being held, I was surprised to see how many cars were in the driveway and on the lawn. I parked my car off the road and, almost nervously, headed toward the door. When I got close to the house I could hear loud music blaring through the walls. Huh? This was totally not what I was expecting from these guys.

I knocked on the door for what seemed like hours; apparently nobody could hear my knocks over the music's insane decibel level. When the door finally opened, Travis was standing there, with a beer in his hand. He smiled at me, a huge dorky grin. "Bellllllla," he slurred, "you're here."

I made a face at him, "Hi Travis, I think maybe you've had enough to drink already."

"Nah, I'm just getting warmed up." He grabbed me and pulled me inside of the house. He slipped his arm around my shoulders and ushered me to the living room, where most of the guys were gathered. "Bella's here!"

All the guys looked at me; there must have been at least 25 of them. They were drinking, dancing to the music, and playing beer pong (none of which I was expecting). There wasn't a chess board anywhere to be seen. What had I gotten myself into?

It was in that moment that I realized how completely insane I must have been. I was standing in a room with nearly 25 college guys, all cute and fun to be around and none of them did anything for me. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I ever be attracted to someone normal; someone who wasn't a one-hundred-and-nine year old vampire or a seventeen-year-old werewolf, who might have just imprinted with some random other girl? What was the matter with me, was I just a glutton for punishment or something? Or maybe I just hated myself…maybe that was it.

Either way, it tired me to think about it all, so when someone handed me a shot of something, I didn't even think about it, I just guzzled it right down. All the guys cheered me on and handed me another one.

An hour later I was sitting on the couch, between Steven and Mark, drinking a mixed drink the guys had concocted for me, in the middle of some useless discussion about global warming. I had no idea why we were discussing this when we were all too drunk to know what the heck we were even saying. "I'm telling you, the focus should be in the polar ice caps. We have to protect the polar bears."

Mark laughed, "I get that you think they are cute, but what do they really matter? Shouldn't we focus our tax dollars on helping people rather than animals?"

I shook my head, "No way, man! Animals are very important. In fact, I think that animals are people, just in a different form." Oh God, I was turning into a crazy lady before my own eyes.

"What are you talking about, drunk girl?" Steven asked (he was a bit more sober than the rest of us).

I snorted, "I'm not drunk and I'm not gonna be drunk!" Dear Lord, I was not helping my case at all!

Travis chimed in, "who cares about global warming or whatever, we're having a New Year's party? Let's have fun!"

"Yeah!" I cheered, like a fool. "Let's play a game or something. How about truth or dare?" Clearly I should never have taken a sip, it was obvious that I could not hold my liquor and I should never be allowed to pick out games to play.

Travis smiled, "that's more like it. I have always wanted to know what secrets our Bella has been hiding behind those mysterious eyes."

I smiled, "tonight I am an open book." Yeah, that was a good idea….not!

Travis sat down on the coffee table, facing me, "okay, Bella, truth or dare?"

I smiled back at him, "truth. I can handle it."

He laughed, "how far have you gone with a guy, sexually?"

I hiccupped and thought about that for a minute. How far had I gone with Jake the other night? My mind was a little fuzzy, but I remembered being in his lap, dry humping him. What base was that considered? I had no clue and I didn't really know how to answer this question without sounding like a blooming idiot. "I don't know, second base I guess."

Steven smiled, "so a virgin then? That's cute."

I gave him a weird look, "why is that cute?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. It just is."

I folded my arms; I certainly didn't want to be called cute, especially in my drunken state. Being called beautiful was fine with me, particularly when Jacob said it, but cute…..that was a completely different story.

"I didn't mean anything bad by it, honestly." Steven was too sober for this crowd. He smiled at me, "truth or dare?"

I looked at him, "I just answered one. You have to ask somebody else."

"I already know the dirt on these fools; it's you that interests me."

I didn't know whether to be flattered, irritated or creeped out, but I just gave him a sarcastic smile and said, "truth."

Steven laughed, "So tell me Bella, what is the craziest thing you have ever done?"

This was a very dangerous question to answer. The answer to this question really depended on one's interpretation of the word crazy. To me, the things I did seemed perfectly sane, but to someone whose life had remained closer to a normal person's concept of reality, I would probably seem incredibly crazy. I sighed, "Probably deciding to get married at eighteen and become a vampire."

As soon as it was out of my mouth the entire room went silent. They all stared at me like they were processing what I had just said, looks of complete blankness on their faces. Then, once they had processed it, they all bust out into laughter. "That's hilarious Bella. You are the funniest drunk I've ever met."

So, they thought I was joking. Maybe I said it in a funny way. Or maybe the idea of vampires was just so crazy a concept to them that they thought I must have been joking. Either way their reaction infuriated me, "what's so damn funny? My ex-fiancé is a vampire."

"Yeah right, Bella." Travis said, rolling around on the floor laughing.

I made a face and drained the rest of my drink, I didn't like that my high was wearing off. "It's true!"

Steven put up his hands, "Okay, okay. If it's true, then I dare you to call him and tell him that we all know he's a vampire."

I laughed, "No problem." And it wasn't a problem really. Edward was just a speed dial button away. I knew he would pick up as soon as he noticed that it was me, probably hoping that I had changed my mind about college and calling off the wedding. I felt a slight stab of pain in my heart, and then it was gone as I looked at the expectant faces all around me.

I dialed Edwards's number and true to form, he answered on the second ring. "Bella? Is that really you?"

"Yes Edward, it's me." I cleared my throat, I might as well just cut to the chase, "I just called you to tell you that my hottie friends all know you are a vampire."

"Bella, what are you saying? Have you been telling people about me? You know that is strictly against the Volturi's rules."

"Blah blah blah. I am so not scared of the Volturi. I mean, what are they gonna do to me anyway, stare at me to death?"

I could hear Edward frowning on the other end. "Have you been drinking?"

"I've had a couple."

"I'm coming to get you." I could hear the desperation in his voice and I felt bad, I really did. "Where are you?"

"623 East Second Ave." Despite myself, I giggled, "See you soon, my sexy vamp!" Dear God, what was I doing? I was acting like one of the kids I knew from high school; the ones who would sneak out of their houses on the weekends to use their fake ids so that they could get into clubs and get drunk, trying desperately to be cool (and failing miserably). This wasn't who I wanted to be, but it made it easier to deal with Jake's possible imprint. The realization of that hit me like a punch to the gut. Was that why I went to this stupid party in the first place….to try and forget Jacob? That seemed pretty pathetic, even for me.

It only seemed to take Edward about ten minutes to show up at the house. When he knocked on the door, I jumped up. "I will let my vampire in." I strutted to the door, as if I was cool or something and threw it open, revealing a very unhappy (and yet drop-dead-sexy) vampire.

He didn't even smile at me, which threw me off completely. "Bella. What have you done?" was all he said, but it was enough to make me want to crawl under a rug and die.

"So this is your vampire ex-fiancé." Steven said. I wasn't sure if he meant it to sound more like a question or an observation.

I couldn't speak any sort of response, I was frozen, captivated by Edwards beautiful face. Edward also didn't speak; I thought he must have been too angry to formulate words. He just stood there staring at me for what seemed like hours. Finally he said "I am taking you home."

Travis picked that moment to walk into the room, "No, mister hotshot. Bella is a big girl; she can leave when she wants."

Edward glared at the drunken kid, a look of pure menace in his eyes. I could have sworn I saw a flash of red in them as well, as if he wanted to tear the kid to shreds before my very eyes. With a slight groan, he tore his eyes from Travis and back to my face. "Bella is with me now. I will take her home. It will be better for you to stay out of it."

Travis just didn't get the hint, "what are you planning to do with her? Are you going to bite her neck or something, vampire?"

Edward seemed to fly right up into Travis's face, "I will not harm her. You, I cannot make such guarantees about."

Once I got my mouth to work again, I jumped in. "Edward don't. He's my friend."

Edward turned to me, "it would do you well to pick better friends." With that he grabbed me and practically flew out the door. He put me in the car, strapped me into my seat belt and jumped into the driver's side. "Bella, what were you thinking?"

"It was just a little alcohol."

"That is not what this is about and you know it." He gripped the steering wheel so hard that if he was not made of stone, the bones in his hands would have disintegrated. "What you did was very irresponsible. You put a lot of lives in danger tonight. You know better than to tell anyone that I am a vampire. Bella, that is privileged information; information that could put you and all of your so-called friends in grave danger."

I folded my arms, "For crying out loud, Edward, they're drunk. It's not like they actually believed that you were really a vampire; they thought I was just playing around. You don't have to freak out about every little thing, as if it is the end of the world!"

"Bella, you are my world; my everything. If something should happen to you it would be the end of my world." He sighed, "Clearly you do not realize how much you mean to me."

"I do realize, but you have to understand that I am in college and people in college have parties and drink a bit. Sometimes I am going to say things that I don't really mean to say. But you have to trust me that I would not ever actually put you in any danger." I touched his arm, feeling it twinge a bit beneath my fingers, "I would never purposely do anything to hurt you, you know that, right?"

"Yes love, I do." The way he looked at me made my heart break into a thousand messy pieces, "you should try not to be reckless. Bad things can happen when you don't mean for them to."

I hated when he overreacted about things, but it bothered me even more when I knew deep down that he was right. If those guys had believed me and told someone about him being a vampire it could have caused a lot of danger for all of us. I knew I had been reckless, but didn't I deserve that just this one time in my life? Why was I always expected to be so responsible?

I didn't know what to say to him to make things better, there probably wasn't anything that could do that, so instead I just looked out the window as I rode beside him, feeling awkward and alone.


	9. Lessons Learned The Hard Way

**Chapter 9: Bella**

_Lessons Learned the Hard Way_

Edward did not take me home like I thought he was going to. Instead he drove me back to his house. I didn't know if I was ready to see the rest of the Cullens, especially in my drunken state, but apparently I wasn't going to get much choice in the matter.

Edward helped me out of the car, like the old-school gentleman that he was, and ushered me to the door. As soon as I was inside, all eyes were on me. Jasper and Emmett's eyes were like a fire, and I wondered how dead I would be if looks could really kill. Esme and Carlisle looked at me with pity, which I found rather unsettling. Rosalie looked like her usual self; hateful as always. But Alice was the one who got to me; she was looking at me as if she was looking through me. Her eyes were completely expressionless, as if they held absolutely no concern for me at all.

Edward did not stop to chat with his family; he just pushed me forward, through the throng and upstairs to his bedroom. When we got to his room, he turned to look at me. "You must forgive them, they are upset and concerned."

I nodded, having trouble finding my voice. "I could see that."

Edward handed me a stack of clothes, "why don't you put these on and try to get comfortable?"

I nodded, taking the clothes from his arms. He left the room so that I could change and I slipped into the sweatpants and t-shirt in a trance-like state. I had never experienced anything like this anytime I had been in their house. I didn't know how to react to being treated almost worse than the werewolves were treated. In fact, I knew for a fact that Seth got the royal treatment around here. Me, I was reduced to that of a stranger…..and a not very well liked one at that. After I finished changing I opened the door and allowed Edward to slip back in and just look at me. It made me uncomfortable to have him staring like that. I really wished he would just say something, anything.

I slid out of the room and into the bathroom, where I proceeded to wash my face and break the seal. Haha, I couldn't believe I was thinking about using the bathroom in that sort of way.

I went back to his room and sat down on the bed. I wasn't sure whether it made me feel comfortable that he had left the bed in his room or not. Either he was planning on having me back here to sleep in it or he was holding out hope in the matter. I tried not to think too much about it and just tried to get comfortable.

Edward sat on the end of the bed, staring at the wall, for what seemed like hours. Finally I cleared my throat and got his attention, "you know I hate the silent treatment."

"I do not know what I know about you anymore, Bella. It seems to me like you have changed so much since I last saw you."

I swallowed, feeling a lump in my throat about the size of Texas. "That's what college does to people."

"I thought college was supposed to mature you and make you figure out who you are. This cannot be who you are, Bella."

He had a point, I could see that, but he wasn't seeing the whole picture. "Okay, so I will admit that getting drunk and telling them about you wasn't my brightest move, but you haven't seen me any other time since I left for school to really get an accurate picture of the new me. It's not as though I go out drinking every night. In fact I spent most of my time doing my homework and in my lab till all hours every night."

"Okay, so you are correct that I haven't seen enough of you to make a fair assessment."

I reached over and took his hand in my own, taken aback by how cold his skin felt. You would think I would have been used to the coldness of his stone skin, but must be after you have been away from it for a period it could come as a shock to you again. "Edward, I don't make a habit out of behaving like this. Its New Years Eve, I just wanted to have a little fun with my friends."

"That's another thing, Bella. Why would you go to a party at a house full of guys? Don't you realize what could have happened to you? Those guys were drinking and you were the only girl there. That wasn't a safe place for you to be."

I guess I hadn't looked at it like that, "I really don't think those guys would do anything to hurt me. They're just a bunch of debate team nerds, anyway."

Edward sighed, "Maybe I am out of line, but I still feel as though it is my job to protect you. I couldn't let you stay there in the state you were in." He turned to me and tucked my hair behind my ear, romantically, "I get so insane inside at the thought of you getting hurt."

I moved in closer to him, resting my head against his hard chest, "I won't get hurt. I may have made a couple silly decisions tonight, but I do know how to take care of myself; I've been doing it all semester."

"I feel this insane desire to shelter you. Maybe I have overstepped my bounds."

"No Edward, it's alright. It's just that sometimes it seems to me like you would rather be my father than anything else. For a long time it was all about protecting me from Jacob, so much so that you actually had Alice kidnap me. I know that at times I have done careless things and I have needed to be saved, but most of the time I am pretty safe and yet you fly off the handle. I guess what I am saying is that I don't need another father figure. I need someone who treats me as an equal. But, I guess that is nearly an impossible feat if I am merely human. Maybe that is part of the reason why I wanted to be turned. I'm not saying these things to hurt you; I just wanted to get them off my chest."

"No, it's a good thing, I want to know what you are thinking and feeling. That makes things healthy between us." He reached over and very gently touched his lips to the nape of my neck, "it's just that the thought of losing you does crazy things to me. I know I got a little crazy about the dog, but that's why I eventually came to terms with it. I wanted to make you happy, more than anything else in the whole world. I still do."

Big tears slid down my cheeks as he held me, "I know that, I really do." He held me for a little while, as I cried silently against him. Then I found the courage to sit up and say some things that I felt really needed to be said. "My mortality is a difficult thing for me to deal with. The idea of aging and having you always stay the same terrifies me. In one sense you are older than me and much more mature than I am, but in another it is as if I am racing against the clock because I am aging so much more rapidly. It hurts me to think of me growing old and dying and you just beginning your life. Can't you see that was the primary reason why I wanted to be changed? That and the desire to really feel beautiful."

He looked right into my eyes and into my very soul. "Bella, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. You will always remain that way to me; human or vampire, old or young. You don't seem to have a very good self-image."

"No, I guess I don't. I never have, really. I have always felt plain and boring, like I just blend into the world around me. It's irritating and painful. I so desperately want to be someone special; you have no idea how much."

"Sweetheart, nobody chooses to be a vampire, especially to feel beautiful. We are monsters, who prey on the weak and innocent."

"That isn't true and you know it. You are beautiful, wonderful creatures, capable of so much more than a mere human is. You have found the power to control yourself from hurting people. You are not those things you say about yourself."

"Bella, there will always be a drive inside of me to hunt and kill innocent people. For the rest of my existence I will have to fight to keep myself from committing murder. That is not a life that anyone would ever willingly sign up for. I fear that you have romanticized what I am and made me into some kind of hero. I am not what you think me to be. Even now I have an irresistible desire to grab on to you, sink my teeth into your vein and drain you of every drop of blood. I want it so badly that it is almost all that I can think about."

"But you won't hurt me, I know you won't."

"Only because my love for you is stronger than my desire for your blood." He nibbled on my earlobe and kissed down the line of my jaw, "you make it so hard to resist though. You are just so delectable. Your blood smells sweet and fragrant; it makes me dizzy with desire."

My throat went dry and my heart rate quickened. Edward had never been this vocal about his desires for my blood before, and I had to admit that it turned me on. I thought myself a messed up creepy weirdo to have been getting horny having him talk to me like this. Despite myself I grabbed him and forced his lips to my own. My tongue went into his mouth and I could feel his resolve slipping away as he let his tongue dance with mine in a frenzy of forbidden passion. Before I knew what was happening to me I was in his lap, my body moving with his. I couldn't believe what a slut I was turning out to be. "Please" I begged, "don't stop."

He groaned, "I have to. It's too much for me to resist."

"Then don't resist it." My body ached for the passion I was feeling deep inside me and I wanted all of him. In that very moment I wanted nothing more than for him to sink his beautiful teeth into me and turn me in a blind, passionate rage. He hesitated for a moment and then grabbed me, not able to fight his growing need. His lips found my neck and I drew in my breath, preparing myself for the delightful pain that would soon envelope me.

It was in that moment that I felt him; my Jacob. I could see his handsome face, those muscled abs, and his strong shoulders. I could feel the pain that would go through him if I went through with this and I knew in that instant that it was all wrong. This wasn't really what I wanted, not at all. Of course it was kinky and exciting, but it wasn't right; at least not at this time. With all the strength I could muster up inside myself, I grabbed onto his arms and desperately tried to pull myself away from him.

His grip was too strong for me to withstand. He was in feeding mode and I was trying to stop something so primal it was like breathing. I wanted to give him this, but I wanted to keep it more. "Edward, stop! Stop it! I'm sorry. I'm not ready."

Despite my attempts to stop him, he didn't stop. His teeth were in my vein now, starting to drink from me. The pain that followed wasn't pleasurable at all, not the way I was expecting it to be, and I screamed, struggling to get free. "Please! Please Edward, stop!" I started to cry, desperate. What had I done? Why had I unleashed this part of him that he tried so desperately to control? Why did I think it would be alright? I suddenly realized I knew nothing about the things I thought I knew….was that a part of finding yourself too?

I screamed, thrashing against him, but the venom was starting to seep into my veins. I could feel it inside of me, beginning to pump through me. The pain was excruciating, but it also immobilized me so that I could not fight back (as if I was any match against him anyway). I couldn't fight back so I just went limp, giving in to his mouth and his poison. There was no other choice for me….what else could I have done? I prayed silently to myself, begging God to make it quick, desperate for the pain to be over as soon as possible. If I had to become a vampire, maybe God could also give me an easy time of it. Maybe my sacrifice would be enough to make the change less horrible. I guess my limp body brought him out of the feeding frenzy he was in because his drinking slowed and came to a stop. He groaned and pulled his lips from my neck, red eyes blazing dangerously.

Before I could completely lose myself, I heard Alice rush into the room, Carlisle in tow. Alice was screaming, "Edward, stop! What are you doing?"

He looked at her, helplessly. Alice rushed to my side, "she's changing. We need to suck out the venom or she will die."

"No!" Edward growled like an animal.

Alice was frantic, but Carlisle remained calm and collected. Alice yelled, "You and I both know this was not what she wanted. This isn't right."

Carlisle nodded, "Your sister is right. Please let go of her."

Edward guarded my body like he would guard a kill. I had nearly lost consciousness, as I could feel the venom traveling through my veins. I was terrified and in excruciating pain, but I could do nothing to help myself, I seemed to be paralyzed.

It was then that I heard Jasper and Emmett come into the room. They were also terrified and frantic. They rushed to Edward's side and pulled him off me, allowing Carlisle to scoop me up into his arms.

Alice held my hand as Carlisle bent his head down and placed his lips over Edward's bite marks. He began to suck the venom out of my system, along with much more of my blood. I was so weak; I didn't think I would make it through all of this. How could I possibly survive? But just when I felt as though I was leaving this world entirely, I heard Alice announce that my blood was clean and Carlisle let go of me with an ease that did not seem normal for a vampire.

He gently laid me down on the bed and ran his hand over my hair. He looked at my face; I must have been very pale, because he frowned. My eyes felt heavy, but I managed to get them open. I looked around the room and saw Carlisle leaning over me, Esme standing in the doorway, tears evident in her eyes and Alice staring at me, gauging whether I was okay or not. When she saw my eyes open she ran to my side, "Bella sweetie, are you alright?"

I tried to speak, but nothing came out, so I just nodded. God, my head was pounding and I could feel stabbing pains in my neck. I reached my hand up to it and could feel the bite marks that I already knew were there. I knew they would heal sparkly, the way the bite on my arm had healed.

"You're going to want to put something on that so you don't get infected." Carlisle told me, being the doctor once again. He looked over at Alice, who ran to the bathroom and got a clean washcloth so that they could clean my wound. Carlisle took the cloth, cleaned the wound and dressed it, carefully. I managed a weak smile, grateful that they had come in when they had. I knew the Cullens were still mad at me, but at least they cared enough to save my life. "Thank you." I managed to squeak out, my voice incredibly weak.

"Shh," Alice told me, "you just rest now. I will stay with you, I promise."

Carlisle felt my forehead and checked me over a bit. He smiled slightly, "I think you are going to be alright, Bella, but you need to rest now. Your blood will replenish itself while you sleep. You should feel much stronger in the morning." Carlisle patted my hand and got up to leave.

I don't know when the guys had taken Edward from the room, but they were gone. Part of me was relieved that he was gone, but another part of me was upset. I had loved Edward so much and had invested so much into our relationship. I didn't want to lose all that I had worked for. Edward would never trust himself around me again and it had been all my fault. Why had I coaxed him into letting his guard down? I had been so sure that he would never hurt me, but I should have realized that when he protects me and keeps me safe from himself it is excruciatingly hard for him. It goes against his grain to not bite me and turn me, especially when my blood calls to him the way it does, and I had tempted the devil in him out. What a stupid, childish thing to do. Great….that word again. It had pissed me off to no end when Jacob had used it, but it was all that much worse when I used it. Self reflection is always the hardest.

I was physically and mentally worn out, but I wasn't sure I would be able to sleep right away. I had so many thoughts whirling around in my mind. I hated when I did stupid things, it seemed to be so standard for me. Maybe I hadn't learned anything in college at all. Alice could tell by the look on my face that I was mentally torturing myself, so she helped me to get under the covers and gently rubbed my arm, soothing me. Before I knew what was happening, I was out.

The dreams that came that night were not the usual ones. They weren't peaceful wonderful romantic dreams of Edward and me sparkling in the sunshine, or of Jacob and those two beautiful children I had seen in his eyes, or even the nightmares that had plagued me so many times in the past. These dreams were wrought with self inflicted torture. The only dream I could remember was of me turning myself into the Volturi and pleading with them to kill me because I had been close to being turned and had changed my mind. I was not the person they had thought me to be and I didn't want to be allowed to live. My conscious mind knew that this was stupid, but unfortunately there must have been a girl deep down inside of me who was in awful pain.

I woke with a headache and the incredibly vivid memory of the Volturi torturing and killing me. When I opened my eyes, Edward was nowhere to be found, but Alice was watching vigilantly from a chair by the bed. "Bella, how are you feeling?"

I sat up, slowly, "I think I'm alright. I don't seem to be in too much pain."

She moved toward me, putting her arms around my shoulders, "I am so sorry he did that to you."

"Don't be mad at him, Alice, I enticed him to do it. I had a weak moment and I thought I wanted it. I realized a bit late that I didn't. By then I couldn't get him to stop."

"Still I'm sorry. The whole thing can be quite seductive if done right, but if he was really intending to turn you he should have known better than to have done it like that. He was supposed to let us all know ahead of time and have Carlisle be there in case anything went wrong."

"It all just sort of happened really fast. It wasn't premeditated, honest. Please don't be mad at him."

"No matter what, you are still the same Bella. You always were more concerned about him than yourself. I'm not sure if I'm relieved to find out that hasn't changed."

I smiled at her, not really sure how to respond to that one. "I just don't want him to have to go through hell for something that was really my fault to begin with."

Alice rolled her eyes, "he has to have better control."

I looked at her, square in the eyes, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let his secret slip to my friends. I shouldn't have been so reckless. I was drinking and having a good time and I got caught up in the moment. I won't do that again, I know it wasn't fair to him or any of you. Your family is my family and I don't want to hurt any of you."

Alice smiled and hugged me, "It's alright. With all the stress of you almost being turned I had completely forgotten about that whole stupid little situation. We all got upset because he did. I haven't been able to see your future since you left for school so it has been hard for me to know whether to stress about things or not. I'm sorry too. I should have known that you would never do anything to intentionally hurt any of us or put anyone in danger."

That was weird that she could no longer see my future. I wondered what that meant. Was that supposed to have something to do with Jacob, or was it just because of me? Was I different now? I didn't know, but I found it unsettling. I hated that she wouldn't be able to protect me from dangerous things by seeing the future, but at the same time I was relieved to know that not everyone would know everything I was going to do before I did. That was always a thorn in my side, especially when they used it against me.

Alice and I talked for a while, and then she let me sleep a little while longer, while she went to tell everyone that I was alright. After I got another hour nap, I woke up to breakfast in bed. Edward had made me eggs, bacon, toast and there was even a bowl of fruit on the side and some orange juice. It was a feast fit for a king, but I polished off the entire tray, clearly the near death experience had made me hungry.

"Thank you for making me breakfast, it was beautiful." I smiled at him.

He clearly was having trouble meeting my gaze, which I felt bad about. I desperately wanted to talk to him and reassure him, but I hated doing that with everyone watching me. I turned to Alice, "do you think I could possibly have a few minutes alone with Edward?"

Alice looked at Carlisle, who pursed his lips, thinking. After a few minutes he nodded and they left the room.

I patted the end of the bed for Edward to sit, but he resisted. "I don't want to get too close to you, I'm dangerous."

I smiled at him, "no you're not."

"You couldn't have forgotten last night already."

"Edward, darling, I enticed you. I offered myself to you, what man wouldn't have taken it?"

"I should have been stronger; I should have resisted." He sighed and moved closer to me, "here I was preaching to you about how you shouldn't be reckless and put yourself in harm's way and then I prey on your trust. I told you I was a monster."

"You are not a monster!" I was so exasperated, I might have yelled a bit too harshly, but I didn't care. "I did this, this was my fault."

"No, it was my fault."

I groaned, "I am so sick and tired of everyone always taking the blame for things I screw up. Yes, you are the one who bit me, but I was the one who was all over you, pleading with you to take me. Edward, for crying out loud, I wanted you to do it! I was the one who put the moves on you. How could anyone have expected you to realize that I didn't actually want it and therefore know enough not to give in to what I was asking of you? For Pete's sake, you aren't perfect and no one can expect you to be. Not even you."

"I'm going to call the dog and have him come pick you up. I want to know that you get home safely and there is someone around to take care of you."

I bolted up instantly, "no, don't disturb him. I'm alright." I sighed, "Besides, you know how pissed he will be at you. He'll probably try and kill you."

"And I will deserve it." Before I could protest again, he had his phone out and was dialing Jacob's number. Oh dear Lord, what was going to happen? I hated the thought of having to try and explain this to Jacob. On top of that, I really didn't want to have to see him again after what happened last time.

I gave Edward a helpless look and tried to get him to hang up, but instead, he stayed on the phone until Jacob picked up. "Hey, don't hang up, but its Edward." Jacob must have said something to him that he didn't like because he let air out of his nostrils and sighed, "Just listen to me. Bella is here with me and she needs you to come get her."

I covered my face with my hands; I hated this whole horrible thing. Why couldn't Edward or Alice just drive me back to my friend's house so that I could get my truck? Why did everything have to turn into operation protect Bella?

Edward sighed into the phone again, "Just come pick her up. Even if you have never trusted me even once in your whole life, trust me now."


	10. What the F?

**Chapter 10: Jacob**

_What the Fuck?_

What the hell was going on? Why was I being woken up from a sound sleep to come to Bella's rescue once again? What was the point in all of this? It seemed to me as though she could drive herself home or one of the psycho bloodsuckers could have managed to get her back to her house, especially if that's how she had gotten there in the first place. As much as I wanted to just tell Edward to fuck off and leave me alone, I got up, threw some clothes on and hopped into the rabbit to get her.

I pulled up in front of the Cullen house and that familiar crawl went up and down my spine. I hated bloodsuckers; it was in my genes. In fact, I blamed the stupid vampires for my wolfing out in the first place. If they hadn't been around the gene wouldn't have been activated and I might not have fucked things up with Bella. Maybe if I hadn't felt the need to cover up my change, maybe she would have realized that she wanted to be with me. What the fuck….who was I kidding? As soon as Edward went into suicide mission she would have ran to his rescue and I would have been left in the dust…..again. Why bother wasting my time wondering about what could have been? It wouldn't have been any different and I knew it deep down inside of me. For some retarded reason Edward was some kind of insane weakness for Bella. He made her do things that she wouldn't ordinarily do, right down to wanting to become one of those stupid leeches.

I knocked on the door and was surprised how welcomed I seemed to be. Most of the vamps actually smiled at me and told me they were happy to see me. I knew right away that something was definitely up. I made a face and headed up to Edward's room, where I was told Bella would be. When I got to the room, I found the door open a crack, so I rapped on the door and walked in. That's when I saw her. She was sitting on the bed, uncomfortable, weak and pale. What the hell had happened to her?

She smiled at me weakly and I knew she was desperately trying not to have to tell me something. I looked at Edward and he looked miserable. His hair was wild, frantic even, and his eyes…..they were much redder than usual. Wasn't that what happened after they fed on a human? Oh no! I looked back at her and then I noticed the bite on her neck. She had been trying to hide it from me (which was stupid since it was clearly the reason why Edward had wanted me to come get her) but I could see the outline of it against her pale skin.

"What did you do!?" The sound that came out of my mouth surprised even me. It was guttural and animalistic; it was as if the wolf was speaking for me, from my core.

"Jake, please don't be mad at him, it was my fault."

I turned to her, glaring at her, "Did you bite yourself Bella? I don't think so." I turned my attention back to the bloodsucker, "this is _**his**_ fault." I moved toward him, my hand moving to wrap around his throat. I picked him up and threw him against the wall.

Bella jumped out of bed and tried to run over to me. Clearly she was in no condition to be moving like that, because her legs gave out under her and I had to run to catch her. "Bella, please, just relax."

I set her back down on the bed and turned my attention back to Edward, who was just standing there, not making any effort to fight back, which irritated me even more. Why couldn't he do something to try and defend himself? What kind of a victory would that be for me if he just gave himself up willingly? I went to him and held him against the wall, glaring into his eyes as I heard faint sobs coming from behind me.

I turned around to see the thing I feared the most in the whole world….Bella crying. I melted into a pile of goo on the floor and ran to her side. I took her into my arms and felt her body go limp against me. I ran my hands over her hair, soothing her, until she finally stopped crying and relaxed against me. "Its okay honey, everything is going to be just fine."

"Please don't hurt him." It was a quiet, pathetic request, but I knew she meant it. "Please, I'm begging you. If you care about me at all you won't hurt him." That was a low blow and she knew it.

"Bella, honey, he hurt you. He deserves to be stopped so that he can never hurt anyone again."

"He's right, love." Edward's compliance irritated me more and more with each growing second.

"Just take me home. Please." I knew she didn't have the strength to fight me and I couldn't do anything to hurt her, so I picked her up in my arms and carried her to the car.

I didn't bother worrying about her truck or anything else; I just took her straight to my house. I knew she wanted to go to her place, but I didn't know how to explain things to Charlie, so I thought better of it. She didn't fight me, she just melded into my arms when I picked her up and carried her into my house. Billy looked at us, huge concern extremely evident on his face.

"Is she alright?" He asked me, worried.

I gave him a grim look, "She almost joined the land of the undead last night, but she will be alright."

Billy's face showed surprise and worry, but he didn't say anything else. I carried her into my room and laid her in my bed. Once she was on the bed, she wrapped her arms around the pillow and buried her face into it. It took me all of two seconds to realize that she was crying from the little helpless sounds she was making. It broke my heart to see her this way and I just wanted desperately to make it better. I slid in beside her and pulled her to me, letting her head rest against my chest. "Shhh." I soothed, "you're safe, I've got you. Everything's going to be alright." I held her close and soothed her trembling body until I felt her relax and drift off to sleep.

About an hour later she stirred awake, and I bent down to kiss the top of her head. "Do you feel any better?"

She looked up at me, "I'll be alright." She sat up in bed, "I'm sorry. I told him not to call you. I knew you had a lot of things going on right now and I didn't want to complicate anything."

"I'm glad he called. You aren't complicating things for me; you don't even need to worry about that. I love you and I want to be there for you." I ran my hands through her beautiful hair and bent my head down to kiss her cheek, "tell me what happened."

She looked up at me, sadness in her eyes. "I was at a party and they dared me to call him. I was drunk and he could tell so he came and got me. He took me to his house and put me to bed. Then we started talking and before I knew what was happening….stuff was happening."

My chest tightened and I fought the urge to scream, "What stuff?"

"We were kissing. We were all over each other and I begged him to…to turn me." I thought my heart was going to shatter into a thousand pieces. I swallowed and nodded at her, trying to get her to continue. "I got caught up in the moment and…and I don't know what I was thinking. Once he had started I knew it was wrong. All I could see was you and I wanted him to stop. I begged him to stop and he wouldn't." I could feel her body trembling against me. "Alice and Carlisle came in and got him to stop and Carlisle sucked out the venom."

"Bella, why in the world would you have wanted him to do that?"

"I don't know. I was like caught up in something. There was all this passion and it just felt like the thing to do. I don't know what happened to me."

"It's alright Bella; I think it is a natural thing. Vampires have this way of seducing women into giving up their blood for the sake of passion. The important part is that you are alright."

"It was the craziest thing. Obviously I'm attracted to him, but it's never been like that before. Maybe I'm turning into a slut."

I had to smile at that, "I doubt that."

"Seriously though, it was like it was the other night with you, but different. It was a lot more dangerous and I was more delirious, that's for sure."

I smiled, "I'm a werewolf; I can be dangerous too." I guess I felt the need to prove a point or something, because my mouth was suddenly at her ear, nibbling it and sucking the lobe into my mouth. "Very dangerous."

She let out a noise that seemed to be a mix between a laugh and a moan. She reached her hand out and linked it in my hair, obviously enjoying herself.

"It's okay though, honey, I'm not going to take advantage of you. I know you're scared and confused, it's alright." I held her tight against me, protectively. I was content to just hold her in my arms and show her how much I felt for her by taking care of her, but she must have had other plans. Before I knew what was happening, she had reached her hand out and was rubbing it between my legs, at the bulge that had grown in my pants.

"Hmm, no, I want it." Maybe she was turning into a hoe or something, but I wasn't knocking it. I gently picked her up and slid her onto my lap. Her legs went around me, straddling me, just the way we had been on the couch that night. She seemed so fragile and it worried me that she wasn't physically up to what I imagined we were going to do, but her eyes pleaded with me to continue.

"Are you sure you're up to this?" I asked; my voice husky with passion.

She didn't answer me, instead she reached out and stroked me (again) through my pants. Okay, it was clear that she wanted this, whether it was a good idea or not. She frantically removed my shirt, exposing my naked flesh for her to explore.

Her hands were all over me, behaving in a way that seemed so un-Bella like. I looked up into her eyes and was surprised to see how evident the passion was. Her eyes burned into me, as though they were chocolate colored fireworks. I didn't know what had gotten into her I just hoped she wouldn't regret any of this the next day.

"Please Jacob, I want this. I really do." She lightly bit my earlobe, sending a thrill of passion down my spine. I groaned and she pulled back. She seemed to regain some of her normalcy and her eyes grew sad "oh. If you aren't comfortable with it, I'll behave myself."

It took me a second to process what she was saying to me. I shook the cobwebs out of my mind and shook my head at her, "no baby, I want it too, trust me." My fingers linked through her hair as I brought her mouth to mine in a fit of white-hot passion. My tongue explored hers, dancing with it, electrifying me to the core.

In a frenzy of delirium I ripped her shirt off and threw it to the floor. It was then that I realized something insanely exciting to me; Bella wasn't wearing a bra! I had to remind myself to breathe, she was so incredibly beautiful. I actually think a quiet "oh my God" slipped from my mouth and she smiled. I sucked one of her breasts into my mouth, massaging the other in my huge hand. She melted into me and it was as if her body became an extension of my own.

Before I knew what was happening her hands were on the zipper of my pants, desperately trying to unhook them as her hands shook with (what I hoped was) excitement. I smiled and reached down to help her out, removing my pants and throwing them to the floor. She looked down to check out the view and smiled approvingly at me. I laughed as I watched her eyes practically stare at the open hole of my boxer shorts, which my erection was firmly sticking out of. Her hand moved forward to grab on and I thought I might explode. "God Bella, you're so fucking sexy." My hands fidgeted on the ties of her sweatpants, desperate to get them off and on to the floor. I wondered if she was wearing underwear or not….dear God I couldn't stand the anticipation. As soon as I managed to get her pants off I discovered that she was wearing underwear, but there wasn't much point in it. She had on a thong that barely covered the essential areas. Immediately my hand went out to touch her and massage her through the thin fabric of her g-string.

She moaned into my mouth and ground her hips against me, nothing between us but the thin fabrics of our underwear. "Make love to me Jacob!" she exclaimed, her mouth by my ear. Her cries were frantic, as if she was dying of a horrible disease and our lovemaking was the only thing that could cure her. I didn't need much convincing in the whole thing, so I ripped off our underwear and threw them to the floor. We were both completely naked and completely ready, so I picked her up and entered her as I brought her down into my lap. I was careful with her, I knew she was a virgin and I didn't want to hurt her.

As I watched her eyes for signs of distress, I got nothing; they were completely glazed over and I didn't think I was going to have anything to worry about. I held her tightly, soothingly running my hands through her hair, as I continued to make love to the most precious person in my entire world.


	11. Man Whore

**Chapter 11: Jacob**

_Man Whore_

Oh my God! Bella and I actually had sex….like not just in my mind. It was amazing, incredible and every other adjective that meant _good_. We lay in each other's arms and cuddled for a while and I could feel her drifting off to sleep. I would have been completely content to hold her like that forever, but my phone had other plans. It started beeping at me and I groaned, knowing I would either ignore it and piss someone off or have to let her go to get it.

I groaned and gently moved her so that I could get up from the bed and retrieve my cell. When I got to my phone my stomach did a mini flip flop; it was Jamie. Oh God, I had forgotten all about her New Year's party. I had promised her that I would go, but I didn't feel I could really leave Bella alone, right after we had both lost our virginity. That was not really a very gentlemanly thing to do to a girl (especially one you actually loved).

"Who is it?" She asked, sounding more than a little drowsy.

"I had forgotten that I was supposed to go to a party tonight with some friends at school." I wasn't lying…there would be people there from school. I didn't think I needed to specify which school friends (or friend in particular) I would be with.

Clearly she was too tired to even notice, "Why don't you just go ahead?"

"I can't leave you here all alone."

She smiled, "why not? I'm probably just going to sleep for a while anyway. Why don't you just go and have fun?"

I shrugged, "I guess I could." I didn't have a great feeling about it, but if she was giving me the green light (and I had promised Jamie after all) then maybe I should take her up on her offer.

I had just (only about a week before) actually figured out how to send text messages on this phone so it took me like two hours to respond to her.

_I will b there in 30._

Yeah, I know it was very pathetic that it took me ten minutes to type that little bit, but I wasn't very good with technology….unless it was the engine of a car. Anyway, I jumped in the shower, then ran some gel through my hair and changed my clothes. I looked in the mirror and thought I looked decent enough. I hoped that I wouldn't smell like sex or have that 'freshly fucked' look on my face or something. I didn't need any extra drama to contend with.

When I pulled up in front of Jamie's house I was surprised to find that there were no other cars. Maybe I had the wrong house. I checked my directions….nope this was the one. I, nervously, got out of my car and went to the porch. I rang the bell and then she opened the door, looking breathtakingly beautiful in an emerald green dress. I didn't know much about dresses, but it appeared to be expensive to me.

"You look great." I couldn't help myself, every time I looked at her I was mesmerized by her beauty.

"Thanks." She blushed, "you look very nice too."

"How come no one else is here?"

Her faced instantly saddened and I wished that I hadn't asked about it. "Nobody else showed up. I guess they all had other places they would rather be on New Year's."

I frowned at her, not sure what to say, but feeling bad for her too. "I'm sorry."

She smiled genuinely, "but at least you showed up."

I was so thankful that I hadn't blown her off like I almost did. She would have been devastated and I would never have been able to make it up to her. I walked into her house and looked around; the place was really nice…like A LOT nicer than my rat hole of a house. "So, what were we going to do at your party?"

She sighed, "I don't know. I was going to play music and have dancing. Maybe we could have played some board games or watched a movie or something. I don't know, I guess it all sounds really lame."

I felt for her, she was new to the school and just wanted to make some friends, "no, that doesn't sound lame at all. It sounds like a good time to me."

"Okay, so what do you want to do first?" she asked me. I was pretty sure she didn't want the answer to that question….as I internally slapped myself for thinking it.

"Maybe we could play a game. What games do you have?"

"All kinds of stuff. I got a few out; they are in the living room."

We headed into the living room and my eyes caught the game I wanted to play….instantly. "Twister, we should definitely play twister." What a man whore I was turning out to be.

We had a great time playing twister....what a fun game that was for horny high schoolers to play. Two hours later we were sitting on the couch, watching the old, original version of Phantom of the Opera. And when I say old…I mean that it was old. It was a silent movie with constant stops for words and all in black and white, except for a few scenes where they experimented with VERY early color filters. Regardless of its age it was actually a really cool movie and I couldn't help but recognize the irony in the whole thing.

"Christine is so stupid!" Jamie exclaimed.

I raised my eyebrow, "why do you say that?"

"She is so easily swayed by that monster! She's got the phantom up on some pedestal because she thinks he has given her some gifts and made her life better. He's a freaking stalker monster! It takes her like seventeen years to realize that she should be with the guy she's known since she was a kid; the normal one who really loves her and isn't just obsessed with her."

I had to literally close my jaw with my hand to keep it from hanging open. Wow….um, let me suffice it to say that I was thinking a lot about Bella in that moment. "But aren't girls into the dangerous type….like the ones they think they can change or some shit?"

She smiled, "maybe some girls are, but I'm not."

My eyes twinkled, where had this girl been hiding all my life?

She went on, "I mean, come on. I know it's all kinky and hot to think of a dangerous guy stalking you and then doing in and all that bullshit, but when a girl is really looking to get serious with a guy she wants one who's dependable, who truly knows her inside and out. Immature girls want guys like the phantom; mature girls want men like Raoul.

I looked at her, a devilish look in my eye, "So which one am I?"

She smiled, "definitely Raoul. But you do give off a bit of a dangerous vibe, but what do I really know?"

My lips curved up into a smile, "a lot more than you think you know."

If I didn't know any better I would think that her hand was grazing my leg intentionally, but I tried not to dwell on it. "So are you really dangerous or just mysterious?"

I shrugged, "maybe a bit of both." Without even second guessing myself, my hand went out to stroke her thigh….a bit too intimately. I thought better of myself after I did it and quickly pulled my hand away.

She smiled back at me, coyly, "you didn't have to move your hand." She reached out to take my hand in her own and put it back on her leg. I looked down at my hand and noticed that I was stroking her thigh in a very sensual way. Oh no, what was I doing?

She leaned in to me and ran her hand down my chest, pulling me closer so that she could lean in for a kiss. It was a soft, quick kiss but it was enough to send the wolf in me into hysterics. I felt like I was fighting a losing game. My body was reacting to the directions of another mind. I pulled her to me, my hands dangerously close to her breasts. _Stop Jacob, stop!_ I kept telling myself, but it was pointless; my body wasn't listening to me.

Instincts took over and before I knew what was happening my shirt was off and her hands were touching me in ways that even Bella hadn't touched me. Oh my God! It was torture….delicious torture. Her cries of passion were right by my ear, egging me on in a journey to tumultuous pleasure.

I wanted to stop, I desperately wanted to stop....I really wasn't ready for this. Why wasn't my body reacting to my brain? Why couldn't I get myself to stop? Jamie deserved better than a guy who had just been with another woman…..BELLA. Bella deserved everything. Poor Bella (I almost broke out into sobs) was still asleep in my bed.

_Jake, stop it! Stop it now! Tell her no and go home, to Bella._ My body continued on the wolf's journey, completely neglecting my instructions. I hated it, but I liked it. Why did my life have to be so fucking confusing? Both Bella and Jamie were awesome girls and I didn't want to hurt either one of them….but it was inevitable. My hands were shaking so bad, it was as if I had regained a bit of control over my body. Why was the wolf controlling me this way? Why did he have to interfere in something so huge?

Unfortunately the wolf knew nothing but hunting, eating and mating. This wasn't about her; it wasn't about anyone…but his own primal needs. I didn't want to be a pawn in his sadistic game, a game with too many casualties. With strength that must have come from somewhere even deeper than the wolf's home, I managed to pull away from her. I could feel the dejection that filled her body, as her arms sagged to her sides. I could hardly stand to look at her, but when I did I got an answer that I had been searching for since the day I met her….she was glowing. Great! Just fucking great! I had imprinted on Jamie!


	12. How it Feels to Have the Wind Knocked

**Chapter 12: Bella**

_How it Feels to Have the Wind Knocked Out of You_

I woke with a smile. All the stuff that had happened with Edward was gone. I was left with nothing but pure sweet bliss. Jacob and I were together; we were finally going to be together like we always should have been. I couldn't believe how stupid I had been to have doubted my feelings for him. What a complete idiot I had been! Jake had been there for me through thick and thin and had supported me in everything I had ever done. Jake deserved so much more than I could ever give him, but he seemed to be content with me. The feeling of figuring out who you want to be with and finally getting to make love to them for the first time was the single most powerful thing I had ever experienced.

All the pain in my throat, the aches in my body and the general weakness meant nothing to me. I didn't care what Edward had done, it was all a complete blur to me. I couldn't bear the thought of focusing on anything but the beautiful man I had made love to that very morning.

I got up and went to the bathroom; there was only a little bit of bleeding….nothing that I couldn't handle. I took a shower and tried to make myself look presentable for when he got back, hoping that we could have a repeat performance if my body would allow it. I slipped into one of his big shirts and a pair of his shorts. Billy was out and I knew he was going to be out for a while, so I didn't think it mattered that my attire was basically a neon sign of our relationship.

I whistled as I walked into the kitchen, going through the cabinets and the fridge, trying to find something nice I could whip up for my man when he got home. Chicken….that could work. I could roast up some chicken with garlic potatoes. That sounded promising, I was sure he would love that. So, I went to work, peeling potatoes, dressing the chicken, making my own garlic sauce and getting everything in order. I didn't know how much time I had; hopefully it was enough time to get the chicken cooked.

I looked outside; it was getting dark….how long had I slept? It didn't really matter, I knew I would have to make the meal work, whether he got home before it was done or not. Nothing mattered except us being together, that was all that I cared about.

I went searching and found a nice table cloth for the table (and it was clearly never used because it still had the price on it). I set the table as fancy as I thought he would be able to handle in his rough state. I was just hunting for a candle for the center of the table, when he walked into the house. I flashed him a huge smile and did a little ta-da thing with my hands, but I was surprised to see the horrible look on his face. Didn't he like what I had done?

"Don't you like it?"

He moved to me, sadness clearly written on his face, "You shouldn't have gone to this kind of trouble. Especially after last night."

I smiled at him, "I'm fine. You made everything all better." I reached up and kissed him and I felt him stiffen up. What was the matter with him?  
He looked at me then, really studying my appearance. He frowned, as if he didn't like what he saw. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces, "I can change out of your clothes if you want. I'm sorry."

He pulled me to him, almost crushing me against him. His face was in my hair, his hands tracing little heart shapes against my back. This had to be a good sign…right? Then it hit me….he was crying. I immediately took his face in my hands and looked straight into his eyes. "Jake, sweetheart, what's the matter?"

He shook his head, clearly not wanting to talk about whatever was bothering him. That upset me. I thought we could talk to each other about everything. Why was that different all the sudden?

"Whatever it is, it will be alright."

He shook his head. "It can't possibly be alright." He drew in his breath, bracing himself for something, "I did something bad."

My body stiffened. What had he done? "What did you do?"

He let out a sob and then calmed himself, "I imprinted on Jamie."

My whole world seemed to stop. I turned white and I felt faint. He caught me before I could hit the ground and I was grateful to him, even though I wanted to kill him. Never in my entire life had I felt so empty and alone (not even when Edward took off for Italy). My life flashed before my eyes and I thought I was literally going to die. "How could you?" I wanted to be more forceful, but honestly I was lucky to have been able to speak at all.

He held his head, "I didn't mean for it to happen."

I didn't care, that wasn't good enough. How could he do this to me? We had given ourselves to each other just that morning. How could this have happened like that? I stood there staring at him, unable to speak, for about five minutes and then I finally said, "I'm gonna go." My voice was barely more than a whisper, but he definitely heard me because he reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me back to him.

Tears were streaming down his face, "Please, I don't want you to leave."

"I knew it was only a matter of time. Why do you think I fought so hard against my feelings for you? Why do you think it was so much easier for me to pick Edward? It wasn't because I just wanted him more, it was because I knew he wouldn't eventually imprint and leave me."

"How could you have possibly known that I would imprint? Nobody knows that for sure."

"You are a werewolf, Jacob! And, all the other werewolves are starting to imprint. What else would I expect?" I folded my arms across my chest.

He pulled me to him and I was helpless against him. "Baby, I love you! No imprint is ever going to change that."

I glared at him, "yeah right! So, what you just want me to sit around and pine for you for the rest of my life like poor Leah? Well, you know what, you're an asshole!"

"No, I don't want you to have to go through what Leah went though; I wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone the woman I love. What I'm asking for is that you trust me and give me a chance to fix this."

I raised my eyebrows, "how in the hell do you think you are going to fix this? Are you planning to kill her?"

"Well, that would break the imprint." He folded his arms too, giving me an irritated look, "of course I'm not going to kill her. I don't kill people; I'm not a bloodthirsty monster who preys on innocent people. I'm not a vampire!"

I swear steam was starting to come out of my ears, "I am fully aware of what you are."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? It's not like I chose this, you know. I didn't ask to have the werewolf gene, I didn't ask to be some animal with a hero complex and I didn't ask for the imprint. This is not my fault!"

"So, you breaking my heart and rejecting me isn't going to be your fault at all? That's just great."

"How about the crap you put my through time after time? How about when you told me you loved me and all that bullshit and then turned around and kicked me to the curb for that stupid obsessed leech?" He was outright glaring at me at this point and I didn't care; I was glaring right back.

"Maybe because I knew you'd never end up wanting to be with me anyway? What was the point after all?"

He grabbed onto my arms and stared straight into my eyes, "don't you get it? I want to be with you!"

"Well, clearly the wolf has other plans for your life."

"I don't care what the wolf wants! This is my life, not his!" The fire in his eyes terrified me and I was afraid he would wolf out right there, causing my face to resemble Emily's. He slammed his fist angrily against the counter and I jumped at the cracking sound the wood made. God, he was strong. He was big too; he towered over me and it appeared as though he was growing before my very eyes.

He was phasing and I could tell, "Jake, stop! You're going to wolf out right here in the kitchen!" He was panting heavily and his body was twitching. I watched, stunned and terrified….too scared to move, as he regained control over his body and stopped the phasing before something really bad could happen.

He stood there looking at me. I wasn't terribly comfortable with the way he was studying me, but I tried not to think about it. I didn't want to show him that I was uncomfortable and give him power over the situation, so I just returned the look right back at him. The sound of the timer brought me out of my own mind and back to the food that I had been cooking with so much love.

It was as if it finally registered what I had been doing in the kitchen and he turned back to me, "were you cooking?''

I nodded, "I wanted to make you something to show you how much I love you." The words caught in my throat and I fought hard not to bust into sobs. I wasn't sure what I should do; should I leave or should I just serve the food and pretend like everything was alright? The old Bella would have beaten it right out of there, not sticking around long enough to have to face another undesired emotion, but the new Bella was weaker and more confused.

I didn't want to leave him, I loved him so much, but how could I stay knowing that he was just going to leave me for some other girl? No strong, independent woman would have stuck around for that, but clearly I was not one of those kinds of women. I looked into his dangerously depressed eyes and melted; the stupid jerk apparently made me lose my better judgment.

I folded my arms and looked at him, composing myself, "I made you roasted chicken and potatoes in a garlic sauce. I hope you like it."

He smiled weakly, "it smells delicious. I appreciate you making this for me."

"Well, you've done a lot for me."

He nodded at me. "Can I have a taste?"

"Help yourself, it should be done."

He grabbed one of the plates off the table and helped himself to a heaping plate full of food. It was a good thing I was prepared for his wolfy appetite and made a lot. He brought his plate back and set it down on the table, looking over at me. "Would you like me to serve you some too?"

I shook my head; I wasn't feeling much like eating, "I'm not very hungry at the moment."

He nodded in understanding, pulled out his chair and sat down in it. He poured himself a big glass of tea and dug in to his food. Apparently nothing came between Jake and his appetite; man that kid could eat. He packed it in so fast it was like eating was going out of style.

Once he'd eaten about two thirds of his plate, he stopped and looked over at me. "Tastes great."

"Thanks."

"I'm going to fix this you know."

"How can you possibly fix this?" I asked him.

He looked at me, his brow furrowed, "I'm not sure yet, but it will be done. Mark my words."

"That doesn't make me feel any more secure."

He looked at me and shrugged, "sorry."

All the sudden I got really mad, was he trying to make me feel better? If he was then he sucked at it. I didn't feel better, I felt used; used and lied to. I jumped to my feet, ran to the door and pulled it open. Jake looked on in horror as I ran outside, in my bare feet and jumped into the rabbit. Thankfully he always left the keys in the ignition so I didn't have to go searching. I started up his car and pulled out of the gravel drive.

Jake ran out of the house, swearing (it was obvious from the look on his face), as I peeled out of the drive and onto the road. I wasn't going to give him any opportunity to catch me so I sped down the road, trying to get the hell out of dodge.

When I got to my house, I noticed that my dad was home, he was probably pretty worried about me because I never came home the night before. I wasn't ready to deal with his parenting, but I had no other choice, so I ran into my house and slammed the door shut behind me.

Charlie ran into the room, anger evident on his face. "Where have you been, Bella? Why didn't you come home last night?"

"Didn't Billy tell you that Jake brought me over there earlier? He picked me up from a friend's house. I was there for a New Years Eve party and I had a bit too much to drink. I'm sorry I didn't call dad, it was irresponsible and immature. It won't happen again."

Before he could respond I moved away from him and to my room. I shut and locked the door quickly, before he could follow me. I looked down at myself and realized that he must have thought I was crazy. I was still wearing Jake's clothes and wasn't wearing my jacket. Great, not only did I have to pick up my truck, but I now had to swing by Jake's and pick up my stupid coat. I grumbled to myself, but then realized that I had much bigger problems on my hands.

Jake had imprinted on another girl….my Jake. I was going to lose my best friend (not to mention the man I loved and lost my virginity to) to some new girl just because some ancient wolf desired her for his mate. Could my life get any better than this? Why couldn't I just be a normal kid, worrying about college and my clubs? Why couldn't I date normal guys….guys whose biggest worries are whether he'll have enough beer for the whole weekend or not? Why did the world seem to hate me and want to ruin every ounce of happiness and normalcy that came into my life?

Before I could ponder the answers to those questions anymore, there was a knock on my door. I went to it and threw it open, revealing Sam. I jumped, completely startled. "Sam? What are you doing here?"

"I've been trying to get a hold of Jake for hours, but he's not answering his phone."

I looked at him, he appeared to be nervous; frantic even, and I didn't really know how I should feel about that. "Is something wrong?"

"Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"Did Edward bite you?"

I squirmed uncomfortably; trying to make sure my wound was carefully concealed. "Uh, who told you that?"

"The wolves have been talking." He paced back and forth at the entrance to my room, "you know if he did bite you that he broke the treaty."

"No, he didn't."

He wrinkled his brow, "he didn't bite you or he didn't break the treaty?"

I sighed; clearly my attempt at covering this up wasn't working very well. "He didn't break the treaty." I opened my arms, "See, I'm still alive….though I can't say why that matters anymore."

Sam glared at me, "if he bit you with the intention of either drinking your blood or turning you, then he broke the treaty."

"Look, it doesn't matter, okay. Alice stopped him. I'm fine, he's fine, everyone's fine."

"And you don't think he went off and found some other innocent human to feast on after his intended prey got away?"

"Intended prey? Come on Sam, it wasn't like that and you know it." I folded my arms in front of me, "Edward has not eaten or turned anyone, so he has not officially broken the treaty. I better not find out that the pack did anything to him. This is between me and Edward and doesn't concern the rest of you."

"That's not true at all." Sam glared at me as though I was a bug he would love to squash. "Just see that you don't put yourself in harm's way again. Because if he does succeed in turning you, I will hunt and kill him." With that Sam turned and spun on his heel. He was out the door quicker than he had shown up. I growled, how much more drama was I going to have to take?


	13. Homework is so Much Better Than All

**Chapter 13: Bella**

_Homework is so Much Better Than All of This_

Friday could not come fast enough. I couldn't wait to get my ass back to school, where I didn't have to deal with imprinting, biting and treaties. I was looking forward to starting my new semester and the busyness that it would bring me. Honestly, anything would be better than the bullshit I had been dealing with at home.

I knew Charlie was still worried about me but he never mentioned anything about that night again. He was good like that; he didn't like having to discuss matters of the heart and all that mushy stuff, so it saved me the trouble of having to explain myself. That was the advantage of living with him versus Renee.

Charlie helped me load up my truck (that Steven had driven back to my house—thank God) with my stuff and said his goodbyes. He wasn't a very sentimental person, but I knew he loved me and worried about me getting myself into trouble—trouble had a special way of finding me. "Be careful at school. Study hard."

I smiled at him, it always made him completely uncomfortable to be parental (well, unless he was yelling at me about something that is). "No problem, I always study hard." I gave him a quick hug and he returned it. "I'll see you soon."

He ruffled my hair, "see you, kid."

"Bye dad."

I hopped into my truck and peeled out of my driveway, on my way back to normalcy. At least I hoped it was going to be closer to something normal that the crap that always seemed to find me when I was at home.

When I arrived on campus, there was some kind of ruckus going on out front of my building. The cops were pulled up in front of the building, and a young girl, who I noticed looked a lot like me, was standing next to a cop, talking frantically, as he made notes on his notepad. I rolled my eyes, if it wasn't one thing it was another.

I stepped out of my truck and went over to the cop. "Officer is it safe to go inside? Is something wrong?"

He looked up at me and frowned, "we haven't determined if there is any risk in going inside. Some of the rooms have been ransacked, but there doesn't appear to be any perpetrators on the premises. Just be careful."

I nodded and went back to my truck to get my belongings. As I walked past him again he called out to me. "Oh, miss! Please report anything usual to us so that we can get a complete report."

I nodded at him and made my way into the building. I looked around, aside from papers being strewn about the floor and some of the garbage lying outside of the garbage can things seemed to be alright in the main lobby.

My past experiences with traumatic events made me wary of what could have happened to the building that I lived in. Had other buildings been vandalized, or was it just mine? Was there some kind of connection here?

I cleared my mind of all thoughts of this nature, not wanting to bring my home troubles to school with me. I needed a clear mind to focus on my studies and get away from the drama that going home always brought me.

I got into the elevator and pushed 6 for my floor. I looked around and noticed something sticky and red on the wall, but I tried not to think the worst about that. When the elevator arrived at my floor, I jumped out, hating the confided space. I quickly went to my room; 624, and slid the key into the lock. It was then that I noticed that my door was not locked. That was funny….I was absolutely positive that I had locked that.

When I walked into my room, my heart practically jumped out of my chest. My stuff was everywhere. Every paper had been read and thrown on the floor, my bed had been left un-made and turned over. My diary had been read and left open on my desk.

I held myself, I really didn't like the creepy feeling I was getting. There was nothing like an invasion of privacy to make a person feel completely uncomfortable. I didn't know what to think. Why would a random person break into my room and go through my papers? If someone broke into the building and wanted to ransack the place, they would try to find things of value…wouldn't they? How could my diary be of any value to anyone? I had a sinking suspicion that I knew who had been in my room, going through my things and the hairs on my arm stood up, as panic ran through my veins.

It was then that I noticed that my pocket was vibrating. What the hell was that anyway? Oh…it was my phone. I pulled it out of my pocket and brought it up to my ear, "hello?"

"Bella!" Alice cried, frantically, "You aren't safe at the school. The Volturi has been there!"

The phone fell from my hands, as my biggest fear had been realized. Well, I guess technically it wasn't my biggest fear, because that was about Jake and Edward being hurt, but it was more like the biggest fear I ever had concerning myself.

I knew what the Volturi wanted from me; they wanted me to be turned. If I wasn't turned then they wanted me dead. I didn't like my options on this one, though at the time I had gladly chosen to be turned. I had wanted it anyway, and when the Volturi insisted then it was just extra motivation for Edward to turn me. That had seemed like a positive to me at the time. Oh, how stupid and immature I really had been.

Now the idea of being turned was far less romantic, however it still beat the heck out of dying for real. I was fairly certain that most people would agree with me on that one. I picked up my phone and desperately asked Alice "what do I do?"

"You have to go somewhere they can't find you." She told me, her voice sounding rushed and nervous.

"Where exactly is that?"

"With the wolves. Their powers don't work on them, as far as we know anyway."

Great! I had been so excited to get back to school so that I didn't have to deal with Jake and the imprint, just to find out that I had to go running back to him. What the hell? Why did my life have to suck so much?

I hung up with Alice and looked around my room. Should I try to get my stuff? Would I be coming back here at some point to get my things? I didn't know what to do. After giving it some thought I realized that getting to somewhere safe was more important than gathering my things. I did grab my diary, because I couldn't bear the thought of anyone else reading it.

When I got back to my car I noticed that the cop was still down there talking to the girl. He barely noticed as I slipped by them and hopped back into my truck. I turned around and pulled back out of the campus drive.

Where was I going to go? Could I really stand the thought of going to Jake's? Obviously I would be safest there, but did I really want to put myself back in the middle of all that drama? Where else could I possibly go? When the answer hit me I knew it was right. Something just guided me to where I should go.

I pulled up in front of the Clearwater's house. I was nervous about how Leah would react to me, but I believed in my heart that if anyone would understand losing the man she loved to an imprint, it would be her. I knocked on the door, hoping that either Seth or their mother, Sue would be on the other end of it. Much to my dismay, Leah was the one who answered the door.

"Bella." She looked at me quizzically. "What are you doing here?"

I smiled at her, trying to be as friendly as I possibly could be. "Hey Leah, can I come in?"

Seth appeared in the doorway, right behind his sister. "Hey Bella! Of course you can come in." Seth was always very nice to me. In fact, Seth was really the only werewolf who felt completely at ease with the Cullens, and they seemed to like him in return. I smiled at Seth, very grateful for his presence.

"To what do we owe this honor?" He asked, ushering me in to their small living room.

"I need a huge favor."

Leah folded her arms; she clearly was not inclined to do me any favors. "What could we possibly do for you?"

"I need to hide out here for a while."

Seth smiled, "that could be fun! It would give me someone to hang out with besides miss moody pants over here."

Leah tugged on my arm, "do you think we could speak in private?"

I shrugged but followed her to her bedroom. Leah shut the door and turned to me, her expression questioning. "Why in the world would you want to stay here with us?"

"The Volturi is after me."

She raised an eyebrow at me, "Like the Italian head vamps?"

"Those would be the ones."

"What do they want with you?"

I shifted uncomfortably. "They want to make sure that I've been turned."

"What will they do to you if they find out that you're still human?"

"They will kill me."

She made a face, "if those creeps touch a human we will tear them limb from limb."

"And then they will put themselves back together again and kill you. They're extremely powerful. Trust me; you don't want to mess with them if you don't need to."

"So, why aren't you hiding out with your vampire boyfriend? Surely he could protect you from one of his own kind; especially with his thought reading abilities."

I shook my head, "they have powers that surpass the Cullen's. They will be able to find me if I am with them. The werewolves are much harder for them to seek out, so most likely they will not be able to find me, or at least not as easily anyway."

"Okay, million dollar question…..why didn't you go running to Jake like you like to do whenever you get your ass in trouble?"

I didn't like what she said to me, though I had to admit that there was a bit of truth in her words. I did have a habit of using Jake to my own advantage in the past. But, I had changed….and clearly, so had he. "You can read his thoughts, you tell me?"

"Is it because of that other girl?"

"Jamie." I said her name with such irritation that it reminded me of the way that Leah talked about me. Ironic I guess.

"He thinks about her a lot." She folded her arms and looked me in the eye, "but he thinks about you just as much, if not more."

"Well, Jake and I—"

She nodded, "okay, so you and Jake had a fight and you don't want to go to him for protection, so you decided to hide out here?"

I gave her a sheepish look, feeling like a twelve year old being scrutinized by an adult.

"Fine, but as soon as we run patrol with him he's going to know that you're here."

I made a face, "please try and keep it out of your mind. I really want to keep this from him as long as possible."

"That fight must have been epic." She shook her head at me, running her hands through her hair, "I can keep you out of my thoughts just fine, but we both know how Seth is."

I groaned; she really had a point. "I am going to have to talk to him."

"I'll threaten him."

I smiled at her, "you would do that for me?"

"No, but I would do it for Jake." With that she turned and left the room. I stood there wondering if there was more between Jacob and Leah than their petty arguing had always pointed to.


	14. Alpha BS

**Chapter 14: Jacob**

_Alpha Bullshit_

I hadn't phased since that day with Sam at the school and I knew the others were getting suspicious. I used to take my (highly underpaid) job very seriously, but ever since that day with Sam things had changed. I never wanted this fate, and it always felt like I was giving something up because of my genetics, but it never bothered me like this before.

I couldn't stand the thought of the others reading my thoughts and knowing about the imprint. I just couldn't set myself up for that. They would all be so damn excited for me, but I was anything but excited. How could I allow other people to be so happy over something so horrible?

I was always a firm believer in standing up for what I believe in, most of the time at the risk of pissing someone else off. I stood by my principles and didn't let anyone tell me how it was going to be. But the imprint….it had gotten the better of me. This hit below the belt. Sure, I'd always wished I would imprint and be able to get over Bella, but now that it had actually happened it seemed like the worst thing in the world.

I had spent my life following this girl around, always in love with her. I always knew she would be it for me, for as long as I lived. But, she was always just out of my reach. At first fear of rejection kept us apart, and then it was Edward. He had been a thorn in my side for too long. Finally it seemed as though she was ready to be with me completely and the imprint happened. If it wasn't her, it was me. Was that how it was just destined to be? Where we always going to take one step forward and ten steps back? Would we always be just out of arms reach?

Unfortunately phasing and running as the wolf was truly freeing, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was running and hiding from something that was inside of me…how utterly foolish! I knew that eventually I would have to surrender to the wolf and phase, but until that moment I was content to hide myself away, somewhere within my soul, where he couldn't find me.

My phone started ringing again. It was always ringing these days. How long could I get away with the fact that I was technologically retarded? I wanted to dig a hole and bury my phone so I didn't have to worry about it anymore, but I knew better than to think that they would just give up trying to reach me. Just as I had suspected….the house phone began to ring. I groaned inwardly; would Billy know how to divert them? Would he even try?

"Jake!" Billy yelled, "Sam's on the phone."

I practically growled…I so did not want to talk to him. Anyone else in the world would have been better than Sam. I grabbed the door handle and practically pulled it off its hinges opening it. Billy raised his eyebrows at me and I just grunted a response.

I went to the phone and let out a deep breath before picked it up. "What do you want, Sam?"

"What do I want?" Sam growled, "I want your ass in the clearing in five minutes."

"I'll pass." I told him.

"Listen wise ass, I'm not playing games with you. Pull yourself together and be here in five."

"Or what?" I realize I was being a hardcore asshole to him, but he really pissed me off.

"Or I will make you. Do not tempt me, Jake!"

I growled, I hated it when he played the alpha card, it was such a low blow, not to mention completely demeaning to my character. "Fine." I didn't bother with the pleasantries and I didn't waste my time saying goodbye, I just slammed the phone down, nearly pulling the whole unit from the wall, causing Billy to glare at me.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only one phone….I know."

Six minutes later I was at the clearing. When I got there Sam was pacing back and forth, wearing the ground down. When he saw me, his nostrils flared, "I told you five minutes!"

"I had to make myself beautiful for you." I didn't know exactly what fired me up so much around him, but he really pissed me off.

With that Sam was in my face, angrily shouting at me. "Sit your ass down." He pointed to the ground and did his little alpha thing, forcing me to bend to his will. Instinctively I sat down next to Jared.

Sam turned his attention back to the group. "Okay, rumor has it that we need to be prepared for some really bad vamp sons of bitches to show up on our doorsteps."

"Where'd you get this from?" I asked, a bit too cocky, even for me.

Leah glared at me, "I told him, okay?"

"Okay, where did you get it from?" I asked her, very curious.

"It doesn't matter. What does matter is that it's true." She folded her arms and gave me the death look.

"Next time we're running together I'll know." I was such a smart ass.

"Not if I control my thoughts."

I had no idea why Leah would want to keep something like that a secret, but it was evident that she did. I didn't press the issue any further, I decided that I would probably find out eventually anyway and let it go.

"So when are they coming?" Embry asked.

I took my head out of my ass and turned my attention back to Sam, who frowned. "It appears as though they have already approached this area recently, so it could be anytime."

"Do you know who they are?" I asked, wondering what all the secrecy was about.

"Just some evil vampires, that's all I know." Sam said.

I nodded….he knew more than he was letting on. I glanced at Seth and noticed that he looked like the cat that swallowed the canary. Note to self…..press Seth for answers.

"So what are we doing here anyway? Why was it so important that we meet?"

Sam glared at me, "we are going to have to patrol the area with a lot more force. Never less than two wolves on guard at a time and always something nearby in case of an attack. We will need to get the schedule down so that we know who will be stationed where and when."

Goody. I had to hold myself back from bursting with joy….I was just so incredibly excited to be forced to do patrols, and with the other wolves there to read my thoughts…..not!

After our exciting little meeting, I decided to go for a run….alone. I really wanted to phase and be free, but I couldn't risk someone reading me and I was pissed at the wolf for using me. How can a person be mad at a spirit that was living inside them self? I didn't know, but it was happening. So, rather than take the risk of someone getting into my head, I let my human feet carry me as fast as they could, through the woods. At least in human form I got to wear sneakers that kept my feet warm. Sometimes in life you have to look at the bright side of things to keep yourself from completely losing it.

"Hey Jake, where are you going?" Quil shouted after me, breaking my concentration and frustrating me to no end.

"I don't know, I'm just running. Leave me alone!"

Quil looked at me, hurt, "What's been the matter with you lately? You've been acting like a hardcore ass."

Embry was at Quil's side then, "Yeah, like more than usual."

I folded my arms in front of me, "Can't you see that I want to be alone?"

Quil gave me an irritated look, "Come on Jake, we're your friends."

From somewhere behind my annoying best friends Leah stepped out. She folded her arms, "Would you two clowns leave him alone please?"

They turned to look at her. "You're defending him?" Embry asked, almost in shock. It was a rather unusual turn of events.

"Scram!" She yelled at them and they responded by running away as fast as they could. I almost laughed at the scared looks they had on their faces. Leah walked over to me and folded her arms.

"Thanks, but don't think I'm going to talk to you about anything." I told her.

She put her hands up, "I wouldn't dream of it."

"Okay, good." I started walking away, and she followed me.

"Jake, everything's going to be fine." She told me, almost gently. What had gotten into this girl?

I looked into her eyes and found sincerity there. "You can't know that."

"I know that no matter what's going on with you, it can't be as bad as it may seem."

"I wish."

"I know you had a fight with Bella."

I glared at her, "How in the world do you know that?"

She shrugged at me. "It doesn't matter. What does matter is that I'm sure you're both sorry about whatever it was that happened. I'm sure that you'll forgive each other and things will go back to normal around here. We'll be back to having to listen to you mope and complain about losing her to Edward and blah blah blah. And, you know what, after this new mood that would actually be kind of refreshing."

"Well, I'm sorry, but I don't think it will ever be that simple."

"Is it because of the other girl?" Why did she feel the need to ask me all these stupid questions and act like she cared about me? Why change the habit of a lifetime?

My nostrils flared, "I don't want to talk about that!"

"Okay, okay. Clearly that's a sensitive subject for you." She said, holding up her hands in surrender.

"You know what? I'm tired of this!"

"Of what exactly?"

I never would have thought in a million years that Leah and I would be having this conversation, but it kind of felt good to be able to get some things off my chest. "All of this. I never wanted to be a part of the pack. I was just a regular kid, working on cars in my garage. Bella and I had a simple friendship. I was there for her when she needed me after the bloodsucker left for Italy. We had a good thing going and then this bullshit happens! Now, I can't just be a normal teenager, but I have to walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have to put my own problems aside to be some hero that I never wanted to be. I didn't ask for this! After everything that I've had to go through; the physical changes, the phasing, having my thoughts read all the time, patrolling and spending my time hunting vampires, you would think that I could get a break at least once in a while. I mean, come on…it's like I'm asking for a million dollars or something."

"None of us chose this, Jake. Phasing has changed everything for all of us. We all know what you're going through." She was close to me, almost reaching out to physically comfort me. I hadn't realized that I was crying until I felt her reach up and wipe a couple tears from my eyes. There was something weird about this moment with her, something almost special.

"Of course." I said, feeling like a raving jerk. Of course, she should understand better than almost any of us how difficult this whole thing had been. Imprinting had broken her heart and ruined her life.

"I know how it is to want to get away from all of this. It's almost impossible for me to be around Sam and not be in pain, but I know I have an obligation. Whether I chose it or not, this is who I am now and I have a job to do."

"I hate the wolf. I hate him!" I was angry again. "Why does he have to make everything so hard? Why can't I ever just be me?"

She reached out and put her hands on my arms, looking straight into my eyes. "I know it's tough, but we get a chance to do something that most people can't; we make a difference in the world. People are safer because of our sacrifices. Despite everything, it's worth it."

Wow, Leah was really something. Since I had known her I thought she was a whining, sniveling, bitchy girl with hardcore hormones. I never realized how deep she actually was. I was floored.

"I just can't take always being pulled in so many directions, you know? My heart versus his, and then there's all of Sam's alpha shit. I know you love him and everything, but he really takes things too far sometimes. I would never be able to force people to comply to my will. I could never take away anyone's free will like that; it's just not me."

"That's just one of the many things that make you special."

"But, I guess it's pretty obvious why I couldn't step up and be alpha."

She shook her head, "No. I think it's one of the reasons why you're perfect for it. You would motivate people and you'd truly know that your pack wanted to be there and that they listened to you because they believed in you, not because you forced them to."

I stood there, looking into her eyes for what seemed like ages. Talking to Leah had been the best thing I could have done in that moment. She had cleared my mind, refocused me and energized my spirit. I felt like myself again and I could hardly stand how incredible that was. Was there really a way to live this life and still be myself?

Sam walked over to us, breaking our trance and he glared at me. I could see jealousy in his eyes. He still loved her, I could see it. Pain was evident in his eyes and it really hit me. Sam hated what his imprint had done to Leah, but he wanted Emily. He had accepted his imprint and loved her as if he had chosen her himself. How had he been able to do that? It was like an arranged marriage….I could never get on board with that. I knew it bothered him to not be with Leah, but he didn't seem to put up much of a fight in the matter either. "It's your turn to patrol."

I looked at him, almost nicely, "Can it wait a few minutes, I was in the middle of an important conversation?"

He looked at me angrily and I could tell that he was fixing to play that stupid alpha card again. He was going to force to onto patrol and out of my conversation with Leah, either because he didn't like me being so intimate with her or just because he could. It didn't matter to me either way…I wasn't about to stand there and let him tell me what to do, like he was my daddy or something.

"Get to your post, now!"

I just looked at him, not budging. He flinched, shocked. I smiled back and him and explained myself, "Sorry Sam, but your little alpha mojo doesn't work on me anymore."

He looked completely confused, "How…" his voice trailed off as he answered his own question. I smiled in response. I wasn't going to take his crap anymore.

"I play for a different team now. My own team." I looked at Leah, who was smiling like a crazy person and then back at Sam, "and anyone who doesn't want to be bossed around is welcome to join me."

With that I spun around and took off for the rabbit. I drove home in peace, feeling as though I was at least in control of a few aspects of my life. It would be great to finally be in charge of myself…it was a very powerful feeling.


	15. Choosing Alliances

**Chapter 15: Jacob**

_Choosing Alliances_

Leaving Sam's pack changed so many things in my life. For one thing I had a pep in my step that I had not had since I discovered that I had the werewolf gene. I felt lighter, happier than I had in ages. I was pretty sure that these changes hadn't only affected me either. The rest of Sam's pack seemed to be unraveling itself at the seams due to my departure. I hadn't been aware that I held the pack together.

Leah and I had a newfound respect for each other and she was actually the first one to leave Sam's pack and join mine. I had resisted at first, not really wanting a pack, but she had insisted and there was no arguing with Leah. Naturally Seth had followed right along, always following his sister's lead. That was fine with me because I really did like Seth.

I knew that the original pack members were going to stick with Sam; they didn't have many ties to me anyway. It was Quil and Embry that seemed to be the most greatly affected by the changes though. It was almost like they were the children of a messy divorce, not sure who to live with. I didn't like the way my best friends were feeling, but I wasn't about to go back to Sam with my tail between my legs….literally. That was not even a remote possibility at that point.

It was very pleasant to not have to run patrol. I mean, I still tried to look out for the people in Forks and La Push. I still felt I needed to protect them from the vamps, but there didn't seem to be too much to worry about anyway, there didn't seem to be vamps anywhere. Well….besides our beloved Cullens anyway. I didn't know where Leah had gotten her information from, and for some reason she was not budging on this information, but it seemed like she had been wrong on this one. Whoever her source had been did not seem very reliable to me. But, regardless, we were being very careful.

The situation with Jamie had not been affected by my newfound happiness, however. Things were just as confusing for me as ever on that front. I did everything I could to avoid her, which was hard to do when everything in my being cried out to be near her. I felt invisible cords connecting us, which I actually used to avoid her, strangely enough. I knew where she was and therefore it was easier to stay away.

I knew she was confused and I felt bad about that. She had called me day after day since New Years and I never answered the phone. Clearly, if she had a brain in her head she would have gotten the hint that I didn't want to talk to her. When her calls tapered off to only one a week, I felt pretty confident that she was moving on. That was really for the best. I mean if I pissed her off maybe she wouldn't want me and then the imprint would be a lot easier. I mean, they say that the imprinter would be whatever the imprintee needs. Hopefully she needed a buddy who avoided her at all costs, cause that's just about the only job I would have willingly applied for.

I was at my locker, about a week after Leah and Seth had joined up with me. Quil and Embry had lockers right near mine and I didn't think anything of it when they walked over near me.

Quil cleared his throat really loudly to announce his presence.

"Yeah, I know you're there, asshole." I told him.

"Who are you calling an asshole, asshole? I'm not the one who abandoned his pack and his friends."

"I didn't abandon my friends. I just decided that Sam's pack wasn't working out for me anymore. There's a big difference between what I did and spitting in your face and stomping on you. Get a grip." I slammed my locker shut and tried to get the hell out of there as quickly as I could. I hated the idea of getting into a big argument with my friends in that moment, and I could also feel Jamie was quickly approaching.

Embry reached out and grabbed my arm, "no Jake, don't run off this time. We have some things we'd like to say to you."

I looked at Embry, he seemed like he was trying to be nice enough, but I really wanted to get the hell out of there. "Look Embry, I'm sorry that you guys are pissed at me, but I don't feel like talking about this right here, right now."

"Then when will you talk to us?"

I folded my arms, so irritated it wasn't funny, "I don't know, you are welcome to come over anytime you like."

I tried once again to get the hell away from there and go anywhere; I would have hid out in the girl's bathroom if I thought it could have saved me from my impending doom. Wow, I was really pathetic….I was thinking about running into a beautiful, sweet girl and considering it to be the worst thing in the world.

Embry grabbed onto my arm, "what's the big rush, Jake?"

I glared at him, "I need to get out of here, okay?"

Embry and Quil looked at each other, eyebrows raised.

"Hey dude, relax, okay?" Embry said.

"I can't, she's going to be over here any minute."

Oops, I shouldn't have let that slip from my mouth.

"She who?" Quil asked, looking around the hallway, "I thought Bella was back at school?"

"She is." I said, my mouth going dry as I spotted Jamie walking around the corner. I knew I needed to just take off running in the other direction, but my feet wouldn't let me. Once I could see her face I was hooked. My stomach jumped into my throat and I felt sick.

"Jake, dude, are you alright?" Embry asked, concerned. Then he turned and noticed who I was looking at and it was as if a light bulb went off in his head. Embry's whole face lit up like a Christmas tree, "you didn't."

I stood there, frozen, like a statue. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating and beads of sweat were forming on my forehead. I felt helpless, completely out of control over my own body. I couldn't respond to him, so I just nodded.

Quil looked at Embry confused, "what did he do?"

Embry nodded his head in the direction of the quickly approaching Jamie. Apparently Quil caught on because he two had a grin on his face that went from one ear to the other. I rolled my eyes, why was this happening to me?

As I stood there like a moron, Jamie walked over to me, a look of frustration and curiosity on her face. "It's nice to see that you're still alive." She looked me up and down and I couldn't help but notice the little flash of excitement that went off in those beautiful green eyes.

There was a moan in my throat that I fought to swallow. I couldn't let her get the best of me; that was not the way to handle this. I took a second to catch my breath and nodded at her, "yeah." That was clearly one of my finest moments right there….real words of genius.

She folded her arms in front of her, "why haven't you returned any of my calls?"

Clearly she was pissed at me, and rightfully so, but I felt like I was being lectured by my mommy or something.

My throat was dry and I wasn't sure any sound was going to come out, but I gave it the old college try regardless, "I've been really busy. I'm sorry."

She glared at me; she seemed to be processing what to say next. She appeared as though she wanted to speak, but then she stopped and just looked at me. Something about the way she looked at me changed, her gaze seemed softer all the sudden. She quickly pulled me aside, away from my nosy friends, where we could talk alone. I wasn't sure how I felt about this, but I felt obligated to go along with it. "I thought things were going rather nicely for us for a while there."

Instinctively, I reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear, a rather intimate thing to do. Why was I so stupid and conflicted? Why was I so cursed? And, why the hell was I sounding as moody and angsty as Edward? WTF!

"Jamie," I whispered, sensitively, "I'm sorry about avoiding you. I've had a lot on my mind and I just need some time to sort everything out. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"She reached up and ran her hands through my hair, which sent shivers down my spine, "Is there someone else?"

I frowned; I didn't know how to answer this question. "I don't know Jamie, I'm just going through some things right now and I need some time."

"You know, I've always been a really good listener." She smiled at me sensitively, "My friends tell me it is one of my best qualities."

My hand went out and grabbed onto her waist, pulling her closer to me. My heart started to beat faster and I felt out of control. Within mere seconds she was completely up against me, her mouth against mine in a fervent kiss, which grew deeper with each passing second.

I drew a mental picture of Bella in my mind; Bella cooking in my kitchen, wearing my clothes. Damn, that had been one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen in my entire life. It was second only to the sight of her completely naked body as we explored each other sexually for our very first time. I had to keep Bella's face in my mind in order to stop me from stealing Jamie away and taking her passionately. I quickly let go of her, forcing myself to pull free of those invisible ties that bound us together. This wasn't right; I had to make this right.

She frowned, "You can touch me, it's okay."

"I just can't right now." I shook my head; I must have appeared a crazy mess, because that's how I felt. "I need time, I'm sorry." With that I got away as quickly as I could and ran in the other direction.

I never stopped running, until I got to Leah's house. I knew it seemed crazy to imagine myself feeling comforted at the thought of talking to Leah about the imprint and the associated feelings that went with it, but she had been there for me and we had formed a unique bond that made me feel as though it was right to go to her. I had bolted from the school and just ran, on two legs….not wanting anyone in my head, not knowing where I had intended to go, until it hit me.

When I got to the Clearwater's I was exhausted and completely out of breath. I had been running for thirty minutes straight. My calf muscles were trembling and I could barely move my body as I stood at their door, waiting for someone to open it.

When Leah finally did open the door, she looked at me, confused. She seemed uncomfortable, worried even. I wondered what could make her like that. I cocked my head to the side, "is everything alright?"

"Jake, what are you doing here?"

"I needed to talk to you about something."

She gave me a sympathetic look; I still wasn't used to that, "now isn't really a very good time. Do you think we could possibly meet later on, maybe at your place?"

"Please Leah. I'm sorry to bother you, but it's very important." I massaged my leg muscles, while still standing in their doorway, "I didn't even bring the rabbit, I just ran here."

She raised an eyebrow, "On how many legs?"

I smiled, "two."

"Oh geez, you must really need to talk to me."

"I do." I was being so blasted needy, but I couldn't help it.

At that moment, Seth walked out of Leah's bedroom, a huge smile on his face. As soon as he saw me, the smile disappeared. Why in the world would Seth react that way to seeing me? "Hey Seth, what's up?"

"Jake." He said, giving Leah a frantic look. What the hell was going on?

"What's up, guys?"

Leah plastered a fake smile on her face, "nothing's up, everything is just fine. Isn't it Seth?"

Seth glared at his sister but gave me a nice smile, "yeah, everything's great."

"You realize that I can make you tell me, right?"

Leah folded her arms, "but you won't. I know you won't."  
I sighed, of course I wasn't going to pull a Sam and force them to do something they didn't want to do, just because I was their alpha. I didn't roll like that. But, they didn't need to use that against me, either.

"Look Jake, why don't you go home and get started on your homework and I will be over in a little while?" She smiled at me, trying to appease me, but I wasn't buying it.

"Come on Leah, I'm your pack leader, if something big is going on I should know about it."

"Nothing is going on, now go home."

I turned my attention to Seth; I knew he was the easier one to break. "Hey Seth, you sure you're alright, cause you're looking kinda green?"

Seth turned to Leah, frantically. She smiled at him, "why don't you go work on that thing you need to do?"

Seth gave her a blank look for a second and then he seemed as though he understood what she was saying to him, "right, I'll go work on that. See you later, Jacob." He turned to walk away.

"Now, come on you two." I shouted, loudly enough to startle Seth, who turned back to look at me. "You guys have never acted like this around me. What in the hell is going on?"

She sighed, "We can't tell you. Now, will you kindly leave us alone?"

"And why can't you tell me?"

"Because I asked them not to." I thought my ears were deceiving me; there was no way that Bella could be standing in the very same room. I must have been making things up, after what had happened with Jamie at school. I looked up and blinked a couple of times to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me and sure enough, Bella was standing there, a discontented frown on her face.

I moved towards her. Leah took Seth's arm and guided him out of the room to give us privacy. I looked at her, she looked frightened and disheveled. What was wrong with her? Why was she there?

"What are you doing here? Why aren't you at school?"

She frowned, looking down at the floor, "It wasn't safe there. The Volturi is after me."

The realization of what she was saying to me hit me like a ton of bricks, "You're Leah's source."

She nodded at me, very sadly. I reached for her, pulling her close to my body, where she fit perfectly. It was as if we were created to be together….but that was such a stark contrast to the whole imprint situation.

I kissed her all over and she melted against me. My mouth was at her ear, "Bella, honey, you could have told me. I would have kept you safe."

I could feel her trembling against me and I longed to make everything better. Why did I always seem to make things more complicated all the time? I hated the way the wolf was ruining everything. I finally had everything I ever wanted and he has to go and fuck it up! How was that fair?

"I didn't think I should, under the circumstances." The sobs that came from deep inside her were too much for me to bear. They resounded with so much desperation and helplessness that my soul ached in response.


	16. One Love

**Chapter 16: Bella**

_One Love_

I cried in his arms, embarrassed and completely desperate. I hated showing my weakness to him like that. I always prided myself on being independent and self-sufficient, but in that moment, my head crushed against his chest, I needed him. I felt at home there and I knew it was all wrong; once again the world was toying with me, dangling the bait in front of my face, just to rip it out of my clutching hands.

His hands went through my hair, intimately, protectively. I looked up at him, tears streaming down my face and it was almost as if the whole world disappeared. In that moment it was just him and me and there weren't any such thing as vampires, werewolves and imprinting. All there was was two lovers who desperately wanted to be together. Our mouth's found each other's in a sensitive, passionate kiss. His tongue swirled around; dancing with mine and his touch soothed my aching soul.

I forced myself to pull away. I couldn't allow myself to feel such things, especially when it didn't matter. He wasn't mine to feel this way about. It just wasn't right. I ripped myself from his arms, my body still trembling from the intense sobs that had just plagued me moments before.

"Bella, it's okay." His words were such a lie. How could anything be okay ever again? I had given up my first love for him, and then I lost him to some girl he ran into at school. And the Volturi was after me, wanting me to either be turned or dead. And, I honestly wasn't surprised by any of it. I had come to terms with the fact that my life was a huge suck fest and that I was never going to be truly happy. Oh, I could have pretended that I was happy with Edward and we could have lived forever on Earth together, but I would have only been fooling myself. Because the truth was that no matter what expensive, flashy gift Edward gave me it was nothing like what Jake gave me every time he looked at me. Jake saw me in a way that nobody else ever had…even Edward. He saw me for who I truly was deep down on the inside, rather than the girl I tried to be. He was the only one who saw what was beneath the mask and it had frightened me for so long.

I didn't want it to be Jacob. I wanted Edward. There was nothing I wanted more on this earth than Edward. He had it all - looks, charm, sophistication, wealth, power - he had everything I didn't have. And it was almost like having him somehow connected me to those things that I so badly wanted to acquire. It was a shameful realization, particularly for a person who prided herself on being focused solely on the most important things of life.

I had to answer his confused expression with some clarity. We both knew what was going on here, but neither of us wanted to say it. I, being older, took it upon myself to point out the elephant in the room. "I can't be in your arms and kiss you like nothing ever happened. It's a farce, Jacob."

He closed his eyes, pain evident on his face. "My feelings for you will never be a farce, Bella."

"Your feelings for me are irrelevant." I tried so hard to keep my voice from wavering. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry my eyes out…..or dig a hole and bury myself in it.

Hurt and anger were written across his face, "my feelings will never be irrelevant. Why can't you see how much I love you?"

Tears filled my eyes, but I fought desperately to keep them from escaping. "Because I don't want to."

He flinched like he'd been slapped, "You don't mean that."

"Don't tell me what I mean and what I don't mean."

He slammed his fist down on the counter and I swear the entire room shook. I, myself, took a step backwards just in case he was about to wolf out. When he noticed my reaction he seemed to calm down a bit. He took a deep breath and tried again. "Bella, honey, I love you. I love you with everything I have; in a way I could never love anyone else."

"But, don't you see, it doesn't matter." I was animated again, moving closer to him, "It's not about me now. Your choice has been made, and unfortunately for me I don't make the cut."

He growled, angrily, "you don't know anything about how I feel!"

I wasn't having this conversation anymore; I was so tired of it. His feelings meant nothing when his life had already been promised to someone else. "I gave up a life of happiness with Edward because you convinced me to do so. For a few moments I even thought it might be possible for us to be together, but I should have known better. I should have stayed where I was safe."

"With a bloodsucker who wanted to turn you into one of his own kind?" He was angry, that was pretty obvious.

"At least I would have been happy." That was a bald faced lie and he knew it. There was really no fooling Jacob, but I was on a roll, and not ready to stop.

"Would you? Could you ever be happy as a cold, stone-like, soulless leech who preyed on innocent people?" He folded his arms across his chest, "Because the Bella that I know wouldn't ever choose that for herself."

"Well, maybe you don't really know me at all!" After I said the words I felt bad. Nobody knew me the way Jacob did, that was why I said what I did. I had wanted to provoke him into fighting with me, because it was easier to be angry with him than desperately sad. He seemed ready to attack, but stopped, sighing.

"Why are we doing this?" He reached for me again and my resolve melted as soon as his hand touched me. I didn't like the way he made me feel so helpless; it terrified me. Had it been this way with Edward? I was sure that it hadn't.

I looked up at him and knew that I felt things I had never felt before; big, scary things that I would never be able to deny once I had admitted them to myself. I wanted to lash out against him, to hate him…..to feel anything but what I was feeling in that moment. But, as I stood there, looking into the deep brown eyes of the hard-bodied werewolf-man, I knew there had never been anyone else for me. No matter who else came along, nobody could ever hold a candle to my Jacob.


	17. Girl Talk

**Chapter 17: Bella**

_Girl Talk_

After Jake had gone home, I had retreated into myself, comfortable in my safe place of solace. I didn't want to have to talk to anyone about any of it; I didn't want to have to deal with the realities of the harsh situation in front of me. Jake had left, defeated, knowing there wasn't anything he could do to change how I saw the situation. Oh, I knew he loved me; that was very clear. The story of that love and devotion was so evident in his eyes, it bore into my soul. I knew him so well and loved him so deeply that I could feel what he was feeling as I looked into those deep pools of dark, dark brown.

I had been sleeping in the Clearwater's spare bedroom….which was luckily far away from all the other rooms in the house. I was very grateful that I would not keep anyone else up at night with my depressed sobbing. It just never seemed to stop; my life felt so completely empty. The pain that I was feeling was triple what I had felt when Edward left me for Italy.

I couldn't believe how blinded I had been by him. I was so easily swayed by the flashy clothes, his sparkly skin and those exquisite features. Sure, Edward was beautiful, but so was Jacob, just in a different way. Edward was perfect, flawless…but Jake was real. I had spent so much of my time blinded by the obvious charm and sophistication that I couldn't even recognize true beauty when it was staring me straight in the face. Maybe if I had figured it out sooner, maybe things would have turned out different….maybe we could have been together. 'No' I told myself, 'the imprint would have happened regardless, it was meant to be.' And it was. I was completely positive about that. The wolf had chosen his mate and Jake would go along with it because that was just how it was supposed to be done.

Maybe he would be happier this way. Maybe Jamie could give him all the things I never could have. Maybe she could actually appreciate him for who he was and not be blinded by the first sparkly thing she saw.

I was too busy crying to myself to notice when Leah slipped into the room and sat down on the edge of the Queen sized bed. "Bella?" She said quietly, trying not to completely startle me to death.

I tried to pretend that I was asleep. I didn't feel like talking, especially to Leah, who I knew hated my guts.

"I know you're awake, Bella, so there's no point in pretending." Geez, this girl was good. I wondered if she possibly had some of the vampire's abilities.

I sat up in bed, irritated, and looked at her. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot and I knew I looked like a mess. She just gave me a sympathetic smile. What? Leah wasn't looking at me like she wanted to rip my face off…..what was the world coming to? Maybe she was just pretending to be nice to lull me into a false sense of security so that she could trap me and kill me more easily. Okay, I knew I was being overdramatic, but it was highly unusual for this girl to act like she gave a damn about me.

"Is there more to the story about Jamie that what you both have told me?"

I couldn't look at her; I didn't want to have to say it out loud. Instead I just nodded my head and stared at my hands.

"How much more?"

I looked at her then, and something in her eyes prompted me to open up to her. "He imprinted on her."

She nodded, "I thought so."

I ran my hand over my face, "I just don't know what to do."

"Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do. What's done is done."

Tears sprang into my eyes….I hadn't known I had this much fluid in my body. "We made love for the first time and then the next day….it happened."

"Sweetie, it happened the very first time he laid eyes on her, he was just too busy fighting it to notice." She reached out and stroked my arm, comforting me.

I looked down at my hands; I was completely unable to meet her gaze. "He made me feel like we were going to be together."

"I know he did, Bella. He wanted to believe that you could be together. Jake has wanted nothing but that since the day he first met you." She got up then and left the room. I thought she had tired of being nice to me or something, but she quickly reappeared in my doorway. She walked back to the bed and sat back down, one leg curled up underneath her. I noticed that she was holding a gold locket in her hands. She held it out for me to take from her, which I did. I opened the heart shaped pendant and noticed that on the left-hand side, inside a small heart, was a picture of Leah and on the other side (inside an identical heart) was a picture of Sam. A silent sob rose up in my throat; it must have really pained her to look at this, much less let me look at it in front of her.

My voice caught in my throat and I felt like I might start to cry, "Leah, you didn't have to show me this."

"Flip it over."

I did as what I told. On the back, inside an intricate lace design were the small words "you have my heart forever". I did start to cry then and I made no attempt at concealing it.

She was crying too, but it was a muted cry, as if she had been crying these tears forever…and I suspected that she had. "He gave that to me the day he told me about Emily."

I looked at her and understanding filled me. She understood what I was going through better than I had expected. As I turned that beautiful gold locket over in my hands, I felt suddenly angry. How could Sam feel this way about Leah and then turn around and leave her?

As if she could read my mind she replied, "It was easier for him that way. She was made for him."

I couldn't speak, I was just so dumbfounded. How could Leah have been a part of his pack and just sat back and dealt with that? She had been running with him, hearing his thoughts in her head for so long…it must have been deafening. I looked at her and I was filled with admiration. I would never have had the strength to listen to Jacob's thoughts about Jamie and all the things they did together and have been able to endure it. There was no way I was that strong…but she was. Wow, Leah had to be the strongest woman I'd ever met in my life. No wonder she was the first and only female werewolf that had ever existed. There was definitely something special about her.

We didn't talk anymore that night. There wasn't much else to say to each other. We both understood how the other was feeling and words couldn't express the pain that we both knew was there. What was the point in trying to find words that were appropriate for the situation, where they weren't any? Instead we just sat there together, in silence until the sun rose the next morning.

Leah was amazing to me now. She possessed so many qualities that I wished I shared. She was able to be there for me in a way that no one else could have been able to be in my moment of desperation and yet, I knew that she had also been there for Jacob. She wasn't judgmental, just the way she had been with Sam.

That next day seemed a little bit easier. Though I never slept that night, I felt more energized somehow. Maybe it was just the relief of knowing that I had someone to talk to who got me, or maybe it was that something had changed in me. I wasn't sure, but it was refreshing. To have at least a few minutes without the constant pity party felt nice.

Sometime in the late morning, after I had showered and changed, I discovered that Jake was back. I came out of the spare bedroom and noticed he was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking lemonade.

When he saw me, his eyes filled with a mixture of love and intense pain. I suspected that mine must have reflected very similar feelings. "Hey Bella."

"Hey Jake." I went to the refrigerator to grab the carton of orange juice, pouring myself a glass. I took my juice and sat down at the table, next to him.

Neither one of us spoke for a few minutes; I suspected that we were both trying to figure out what to say.

Finally he spoke, "Bella, I can't stand this."

"It's not been a huge picnic for me either."

"I know that." He tucked my hair behind my ear, causing me to tremble. Time stood still again and it scared me. There was no way that it was okay for me to feel this way.

Pulling his hand away seemed like an extremely difficult task for him. He sighed, with great passion and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a cd, which was stuffed into a paper sleeve, and handed it to me. "I made this for you."

I looked at him, incredibly surprised at the sweetness of the gesture and that he had been capable of wrestling with a computer enough to do something like this. I felt tears stinging at my eyes and I fought hard to keep them from exploding in a frenzy. "Thanks," was all I was able to squeak out, before a sob caught in my throat.

He reached for me and pulled me against him. I felt so at home there, it was crazy. "I can't do this again, Jake."

"Bells, honey, we have to do this. I can't give up on this." His hands were shaking and it almost felt to me like he might have been crying too.

I reached up and kissed his forehead, protectively. "Leah and I had a long talk last night and I feel better."

He looked at me, "in what way?"

"I feel like I can accept it better, I guess. I mean, it's not like it isn't still the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, but I guess I feel a little bit better about everything."

He ran his hands over my hair, "I'm not Sam, Bella. I'm not Sam."

"I know that, but this is natural, it's part of the process of being the wolf. Jake, you know as well as I do that this imprint is bigger than you. You can't fight this and there isn't any point in trying."

"Maybe it is bigger than me, but it's not bigger than us."

I looked at him and with all the courage I could muster, I muttered the words, "I'm going back to him."

I could feel his whole body stiffen. "I thought you needed to be away from the vampires to stay undetected by the Volturi?"

I nodded, "That's true, but I can't hide from them forever. I have to face them sometime and see what happens."

He was outraged; I feared the wolfing out again, "see what happens? Bella, are you insane?"

Maybe I was. In fact I was convinced that there was a definitely crazy part of me. I mean, who but a crazy person would find a way to get themself wedged between a vampire and a werewolf who were mortal enemies? There was a definitely touch of crazy in me.

"Bella, the last time you were together he bit you and almost turned you."

I was sitting too closely to have him wolf out. I tried desperately to calm him. "Jacob, I tortured him. He lost control, but that doesn't mean he's a bad guy. In fact, he's a very good guy and we can have something that you and I can't."

"Oh, so you're just going to let him turn you and then you two can live sparkly ever after?" He was getting to that place again where I feared for my safety. I knew he would never hurt me, but if he got too angry he wouldn't have much control over his body.

"Jake, please. I can't do this anymore. I can't continue to cry myself to sleep every night. I can't keep trying to cling to some little piece of hope that this whole miserable thing was a nightmare. I know you think that me becoming a vampire is the worst possible thing, but this is worse…this is a lot worse. At least I know Edward won't find some other girl off the street and imprint on her. Once I am turned we will be mates for life. He will be with me forever and I will never have to be alone. And, I'll never get old and I'll be perfect. You might even like me better."

He looked at me as though I had grown two head and he let go of me as though touching me repulsed him. He was on his feet within seconds, glaring at me. "If he turns you I will kill him!"

"No! This is my choice, this isn't about you!" I was right up in his face, glaring back.

"Like hell it's not about me! You're only saying this shit to me so I'll get mad and give up on this. But, I'm here to tell you that I will never give up on what we have. I will never stop loving you and I will never want anyone else the way I want you. I don't care about a stupid imprint; it doesn't change how I feel!" He was crying now, big sloppy, messy tears. My heart broke into a thousand pieces and I knew that no matter who else I was with that not being with Jacob was going to hurt forever.

"Please don't cry, Jacob, I hate it when you cry."

"It's not a real picnic for me either." He said, quoting me from earlier in the conversation.

I smiled; he sure had a way of lightening the darkest of moods. Maybe that's why I always saw him as my own personal sun. He melted the frozen parts of my heart and brought life to the barren patches of my soul. The spirit of my own personal sun was what got me through my darkest hours and what gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It was the only thing that had stopped me from giving up my life in the first place. "You know, you are the only reason I am alive today."

He pulled me to him, burying his face in my hair, taking in my scent. I knew he was going to miss doing that, but what was done was done. "We are linked together, Bells, in one way or another."

The only words that I could think of in that moment seemed partially like a cop out, but also like perfectly beautiful words, very indicative of how I was feeling; "You will have my heart forever."


	18. Soul Mates

**Chapter 18: Jacob**

_Soul mates_

I never put much stock in the idea of soul mates. In my mind it was a lot like imprinting; you didn't get any choice in the matter, so you might as well be together. Most people thought it to be a true phenomenon, well at least the hopeless romantics. I guess a part of me had held out some kind of hope that I would find mine and that it would be Bella, because she was the one I would have designed as my soul mate if I could have made her from clay myself. If my feelings were any indication of some kind of romantic pull that bound our souls together, then Bella would most certainly have to be my soul mate.

If that was the case, wasn't I supposed to be with my soul mate and live happily ever after? What a pile of crap that was! Imprinting had taken the place of a hand-picked, God-given love like what Bella and I had. Imprinting had changed my life; it had ripped my heart out, chopped it apart, stomped on it, sent it through a meat grinder and then glued it back together again and put it back in my chest. Imprinting sucked ass! What good is having a fucking soul mate if you can't be together?

That day with Bella in Leah's kitchen had been the single most horrible time of my life. I was more desperate in those moments than I had been that night before she was supposed to marry Edward. Maybe I should have stayed out of it in the first place and just let them be together. Maybe it would have been better for everyone that way. She could have married the bloodsucker, been turned and they could have lived in happiness forever. As for me…it would have sucked a lot, but I would never have known what it could have been. I never would have been given a little taste, just to find out that I didn't have the money for the whole meal. I should have accepted that she was meant to be with Edward from the beginning and taken it like a man, rather than a wimpy little boy.

Leah had been extremely supportive and that had been great, but not enough to make me feel better. Seth waited on me hand and foot, which irritated me highly, but even that wasn't enough to get my mind off my troubles. Quil and Embry finally understood what had crawled up my ass and died and had turned out to be very supportive and had even joined up with my new pack…but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything else in the whole world but being with Bella.

I knew I was going to have to get myself together and talk to Jamie, but I was seriously dreading that. What the hell was I supposed to tell her anyway? Could I ever tell her the truth about me? Would she ever accept that I was a werewolf who had somehow been bound to her through an ancient wolf with sadistic tendencies? Would she believe me if I did tell her? None of these questions I cared to answer….as far as I was concerned I could spend the rest of my life buried in a hole, never to see the light of day again.

When the day came that I could no longer pretend to be sick and stay home from school (who was I kidding….I really did feel sick?) I knew I was going to run into her and have to deal with whatever would happen.

I wasn't in the school more than 10 minutes before I could feel her pull to my body. I turned around and there she was, in all her gloriousness. A part of me longed to reach for her, to escape my misery in her arms, but I knew it was a double edged sword. If I surrendered to her like that I would only hate myself even more afterwards.

She took one look at me and softened. She reached out and stroked my face and I leaned into her touch, needing it. And then, just like I thought I would, I felt bad. "Jacob, you look terrible, are you alright?"

I couldn't lie to her, I knew it was pointless. I shook my head no and didn't even bother with the pretense.

"What's wrong?" She ran her hand over my chest in a soothing manner, as if she wanted to mend my heart.

Tears sprang to my eyes and I fought to hold them back. Not here, not now! I managed to get myself under control and squeak out a few words. "I have so much to tell you."

I made an immediate decision, in that moment, to skip school. I hoped she would be alright with it, but she didn't seem to mind me stealing her away.

We drove in silence, neither one of us knowing what to say to the other. When I pulled into my driveway, I turned to look at her, "this is my house."

She smiled, "I figured that much out on my own."

I smiled back; I was glad that she felt compelled to keep the mood light. I got out of the car and went around to open her door for her. Apparently imprinting improved my gentlemanly skills.

We stood outside, looking at each other for a few minutes. I didn't know what to do, how should I handle this? How does one go about telling someone about all this? "Would you like to come in?"

"It beats freezing to death outside." She smiled at me again and I had to admit that her smile was breathtaking.

We walked to the front door and I held it open for her, being a gentleman again. She slipped in beside me, and the close proximity of her body electrified me.

Five minutes later we had removed our coats and got seated in the living room. I looked at her, terrified, and she just smiled silly at me. "Okay, out with it!"

I sighed, "Jamie, I'm a werewolf."

She was silent for a minute as she processed and then she burst into a fit of laughter. She laughed for a good minute or two, but when her face caught a glimpse of mine the smile fell off her face. "Oh, okay."

I swallowed, preparing myself, "I'm being serious."

She smiled again, "so do you howl at the moon too?"

I sighed, "I suppose I could if I wanted to."

"You really are being serious."

I nodded, "Deadly." I ran my hands over my hair, "I'm one of a group of us. We were born with a gene that gets activated when we're physically mature and is triggered by a certain threat."

"Such as?"

"Vampires."

I could see laughter catch in her throat and she fought hard to suppress it. She took a moment to compose herself and then looked at me, "so you're telling me that you're a werewolf and that vampires are real and they triggered your turn?"

I nodded, "yeah."

"Okay, so either you're telling me the truth or you're crazy."

I got up and started to pace back and forth on the carpet in front of the couch, in front of her. "Trust me, I wish I was just crazy. That would be a lot easier to deal with."

"So, could you prove it to me?"

I stopped pacing and looked at her, "No, not right now."

She nodded, "right, it's still daylight."

I almost smirked, "that's not what I meant. Actually the whole full moon thing is just a myth. It happens when you're really angry or wanting it to happen."

"So you could….turn right now?"

"If I wanted to." I sat back down next to her, "But I don't. In fact I haven't phased in quite a while; actually since the day I first met you. And, since I haven't wolfed out in a while I just don't think it's a good idea. I don't know what kind of reaction I might have."

She nodded again; I thought I sensed a strong feeling of disbelief in her eyes. "Is there some kind of significance about the day you met me?"

I sighed again, "okay, what I'm about to tell you is going to seem really weird."

She raised an eyebrow at me, "weirder than you being a werewolf and vampires being real?"

I shrugged, "I guess it's sort of up for your own interpretation."

She folded her arms in front of her, "well, this I've gotta hear."

"I imprinted on you." I told her, looking into her eyes.

Her eyebrow rose again, "please tell me that doesn't mean anything as perverted as I'm imagining."

I think I actually laughed at that one, "no. It means that you were selected for me. Basically the wolf chose you as my mate because you are supposed to be the best genetic match for me and the strongest probability for me to pass on the gene to the next generation."

Her mouth hung open and her eyes practically popped out of their sockets. The silence was deafening and I sat there, cringing, until she finally did speak. "Uh huh. So if we're supposed to be together then why the hell did you run away from me for so long?" It was an innocent enough question, but I hadn't been ready for this part.

I shook my head, staring at my hands.

"Oh, when I asked you if there was someone else…I wasn't too far off base, was I?"

I shook my head, "No. I'm in love with someone else."

She nodded, "Oh. So, you love her but you're like promised to me in some sort of weird arranged marriage?"

I cringed, "I guess."

"Honestly Jacob, I hope this stuff is real, because if it's not you needed to be fitted for a straight jacked right now." She was the one who was pacing now. I rested my head against my hand, my elbow propped up on my knee.

"This is why I didn't want to tell you. I've never really had to go through this before. We're supposed to keep a low profile. But, you're kind of in a sensitive position right now and I need you to know the truth, because I have to figure out where to go from here."

"So, I don't really get a choice in this whole thing?" She asked, "Is that what you're telling me?"

"On the contrary, you're the only one in the situation who does get a choice."

"So, like if I decided I didn't believe you and I went running for the hills and I didn't ever want to see you again…." Her voice trailed off.

"I would leave you alone, completely."

"And that would be easy for you, right?"

I shook my head, "No, not easy." I stood up and went to her, my hand settling just above her hip, "my body yearns for you. I feel an invisible cord connecting us at all times. It's almost painful to not be near you. So, no, it wouldn't be easier if you didn't want me."

I could sense a feeling of desire pass through her body as she processed my words. "But, what about the girl you love? Where is she now?"

"She left me. She knew all about imprints and what it meant. So, she went back to her ex-fiancé." I grumbled out the words, "He's a vampire."

She shook her head a couple of times and then looked back at me, "I just don't know what to make of all of this."

"I'm not surprised; it's a lot to take in. Not many people could hear all of this and just accept it. But, I needed to tell you. I needed you to understand how difficult things are for me right now. I hate the feeling of not being in control of my own life and my own choices. And, since the wolf kind of brought you into this without your knowledge, I kind of felt like I owed you an explanation."

"I am a part of this now." She told me, looking into my eyes, "lucky for you I kind of like you."

"I like you too Jamie, I really do." And I did. She was a wonderful, beautiful, smart girl, with a good head on her shoulders. I felt like she was the perfect example of all the qualities that I had always been looking for in a woman. She was everything that I wanted…on paper, but she wasn't Bella, and I knew that no matter what happened, she would never be enough for me.

As I looked into those deep green eyes I felt bad. I was sorry for bringing her into this drama and for letting her know that monsters are real. I wished I could have sheltered her from that, kept her safe, but I had already blown that. I had opened up and let her in. Even though I didn't love her, I knew that from that moment on I had a duty to protect her. I made her life a lot less safe by being in it and by letting her know that vampires and werewolves were real. Whether she believed me or not, she now had a target on her back and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it….except work my ass off to keep her safe. But, I knew that no matter how much time I spent with her and how close we got that she would never replace Bella to me. There would always be a huge part of my heart with Bella's name on it and nobody else could ever fill it.


	19. Breaking Point

**Chapter 19: Jacob**

_Breaking Point_

Those few hours with Jamie were the only moments of sanity that I had. And, even that didn't seem completely sane to me at all. I mean, I had put Jamie's life in danger by bringing her into this. That was really inexcusable. But, how in the world could I be imprinted to someone and have them understand that without knowing who I really am? No, that truly wouldn't have been possible. I had done the right thing….hadn't I?

Up until I went back to school I had been a blubbery, incoherent mess and after that day, I went back to that. It was weird because I felt better having talked to her and knowing that I had someone there for me in that way….but then I felt worse for feeling that sense of relief. I spent most of my time beating myself up for things that weren't really my fault to begin with.

I was lying in my bed, the way I had for days, since Bella left to go back to the bloodsucker, staring at the wall, not even processing what I was seeing. I was barely conscious, wanting nothing more than for someone to come in and put me out of my misery. If I wasn't such a fucking coward I would have done it myself.

If I wasn't so completely out of my mind (not to mention so immersed in my own drama) I would have been incredibly shocked that Sam was bothering to visit me. He came everyday and just sat with me for a while, talking endlessly about some mumbo jumbo that I never listened to, but it was nice all the same. I never would have expected him to give a rat's ass about me at all. Maybe I didn't give him enough credit.

"For crying out loud, Jake, please listen to me." He cried out, exasperated.

I grunted a response.

That didn't seem to appease him at all. "Jake, trust me, maybe you can't see it now, but things are going to be fine. Bella will be happy with Edward and you will find your peace and happiness with Jamie. It is destined that way and it will happen. You just have to trust me on this one, I guess."

That did it, I was paying attention now. I sat up and stared at him, "oh right, I should totally take your word for it. You hurt a great girl and somehow managed to go on with your life like everything was cool." I folded my arms across my chest, "I am nothing like you."

He growled in response, "You know nothing about me at all if that's what you think it was like for me. I have never stopped agonizing over this. There isn't a day that goes by that I have ever stopped regretting hurting her or stopped loving her. But, I'm not a little coward who ran from his fate, I learned to accept it. And, you know what, Emily and I click. She's great for me, she completes me. Sure, I didn't have the choice that I might have liked, but I am happy with her all the same."

I was so angry, I swear I was about to shoot fire from my pupils. I guess it was a good thing that I didn't, at least for Sam's sake. "You're a piece of work, do you know that? You spend your life devoted to a woman who has to wake up every day knowing that you didn't pick her; all the while poor Leah had to listen to your thoughts all fucking day long every day. You shouldn't be giving me advice about anything….I never want to be like you!"

Clearly my words had hit Sam a bit too far below the belt, because his eyes changed color and a growl rolled out from his chest, as if he was nearly in his wolf form. He punched me, hard and square in the jaw. It was a nasty punch and I knew it should hurt, but I was swept up in so much pent up rage that I couldn't feel it at all.

Something happened to me that hadn't happened in weeks….I actually wanted to wolf out. I wanted to tear Sam limb from limb. I ran to my window, threw off everything but my shorts and jumped out of my window, wolfing out as I hit the ground, for the first time since that very first day I had met Jamie in the hallway. And, just like I knew he would, he followed me. We ran into the woods. I felt like I was flying, the wind on my back. I couldn't believe how freeing it was to be in this form. It was ironic to me that I hated the wolf so much and yet nothing was freer than being trapped within his form.

When we were safely away from my house and the others who were around, I attacked him. _Whatever makes you feel better, Jake. _He could still talk to me telepathically because he was another alpha, but we could only hear the thoughts that we wanted each other to hear.

He thought he was being a martyr by allowing me to fight him, like it would somehow make everything better and he would get all the credit. All it did was piss me off more and increase my desire to kill him. In that moment I released every ounce of frustration and anger on him. I unleashed all the pent up emotions and put them into my attack. My razor sharp teeth sunk into his shoulder and tossed him around like a rag doll. I had strength that I never had before. Ordinarily I would never have been able to defeat him, because he was a lot stronger than me, but blind rage filled me and I felt as though I could do anything. I was completely invincible.

His body landed near my house, something I should have thought about before I flung him. I didn't want the fight to be that close to the others, that's why we had run from the house in the first place. Clearly I we should have went farther into the woods but I was not aware of my own strength.

I ran to where his body had landed and pounced on him. I threw my body against his repeatedly, making a gigantic statement. _Okay, Jake stop! You're doing some serious damage. Clearly I underestimated you!_

_That's right you did asshole! You thought you were being all big and bad coming out here. You were going to let me win and be some kind of hero, but you didn't count on me being stronger than you!_

I flung myself against him again, feeling the cracking of a few broken ribs. He yelped and I knew I should stop before things got out of hand, but I didn't care. I needed him to realize that I was stronger than him….in every sense of the word!

_Stop it; you're being a bratty baby! _His thoughts were frantic and pained. Those were not the right words to say to me though, and I retaliated by sinking my claws into his chest, trying to rip his heart out. He growled and winced, in painful, wolfish cries. I felt no sympathy at all. I had never known myself to be this kind of person, violent with no remorse. It scared me but also energized me at the same time. I lunged for him again, but something stopped me. Suddenly there was another wolf there….it was Leah. She threw herself between us, desperately trying to keep me from killing him. Of course she would want to protect her beloved from harm, even when he did nothing but hurt her every day.

_Shut up Jake, you don't mean what you're thinking. You know this isn't Sam's fault. Killing him won't take your pain away. It will only give you something else to torture yourself over. Don't do this to yourself._ She was desperate, pleading with me, as her body was sprawled out, shielding the man she loved from my attack.

I backed up, she was right. I was about to destroy one of my own kind because I hated the monster in me and I was beating myself up for the imprint. None of it was my fault; I hadn't chosen the gene, I hadn't decided to wolf out the first time, I hadn't asked for the imprint. None of it was within my realm of control….nothing except attacking and almost killing Sam.

I whimpered, pitifully. If I had been human I would have been crying my eyes out. How could I have done that? What a monster I had turned out to be. Maybe Bella was safer with Edward after all? Maybe Edward had been right about me all along.

Leah morphed back into her human form, not even caring that she was stark naked. She called out for Quil and Embry, who were inside the house and had them attend to Sam, who was bleeding profusely. Quil and Embry helped coax Sam back into human form so that they could pick him up and carry him inside and put him in bed; my bed of all places.

While they did that, Leah held me as I helplessly whimpered and cowered. I couldn't bring myself to phase back. I couldn't stand to let her see the tears that would be falling from my eyes dramatically. She petted my russet hair and whispered about how it was all going to be alright. I laid my head in her lap, not caring that her naked womanhood was mere inches from my face. It wasn't my face though….it was his. How could I continue to associate this wolf form with myself? He was a different being entirely, and I was a vessel for his inhabitance. It took all the resolve I had to change back, as the tears flowed from my eyes, just the way I had expected them to.

I knew there was only one doctor who could attend to Sam's wounds…the only doctor around that knew our secret. He was there within five minutes…damn those bloodsuckers drove fast. Normally he wouldn't have been allowed to cross the La Push lines, but an exception was made in this case. When he got to my house, I was still lying helplessly in Leah's arms and Carlisle shot me a pathetic look, like he felt sorry for me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. He went to me, "Jacob, are you hurt?"

His words were kind and it brought on a new wave of tears. Leah looked at the doctor and shook her head, "He's fine, but Sam's in bad shape…he's in Jake's room."

The doctor didn't waste any more time. He sprinted with lightening speed into my house and ran to Sam's side.

I still couldn't move, I felt like I was a prisoner in my own body. I couldn't believe the horrible thing that I had done. How could I ever face him and the other wolves ever again? While I lay there, in my own pity party, Leah ran into the house to get clothes. She threw on one of my shirts and wore it around like a nightshirt, which I would have thought was cute if I had been in better spirits. She handed me a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I didn't move to put them on, so she did something that took me by surprise, she dressed me. Geez, no wonder she was the Beta to my Alpha.

"Jake, please stop crying."

I shook my head, I couldn't. There was nothing else I could do; I was so completely desperate with despair.

I was too full of self-loathing to notice when a car pulled into my driveway, but Leah noticed it and she immediately tensed up. I looked in the direction she was staring in and saw the silver Volvo. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, what was _he_ doing here? 'No' I thought to myself, 'he was not invited.' When the driver got out of the car, I thought I was going to die. There she was, beautiful as ever. When she saw me, she looked very sad. She ran to me, dropping to her knees at my side.

"Jake, are you insane?" She looked me over, trying to assess the damages and then sat back on her heels.

Well, what other explanation was appropriate for what I had done, "I must be."

She shook her head and looked at Leah, "You don't have to take care of him anymore; I've got this."

Leah politely nodded at her and gave her a small, compassionate smile. She lifted my head from her lap and laid it on the ground beside her. Then she got up, brushed the dirt from her legs and headed into my house, to visit her wounded love.

I looked into Bella's eyes and then I wished I hadn't. Her eyes were full of such pain, remorse. They looked tired and bloodshot from crying and under her eyes were swollen purple bags. I was clear that she hadn't been doing much sleeping.

She repositioned herself so that she was lying next to me, her arm wrapped over my arm. As soon as her arm touched me, I felt more tears stinging at my eyes. Apparently I had many pent up emotions that all were choosing to come out now. She must have felt my body trembling because she ran her hands over my body and whispered, "shh," in my ear. "It's all going to be alright."

She must have been taking lessons from Leah or something because they both tried to convince me of this ridiculous lie. I had thought things were impossible before, but at this point I wasn't even going to bother assessing the situation. There was absolutely no way on this stupid planet that anything was ever going to be alright again. "It's all going to be alright."

She must have been taking lessons from Leah or something because they both tried to convince me of this ridiculous lie. I had thought things were impossible before, but at this point I wasn't even going to bother assessing the situation. There was absolutely no way on this stupid planet that anything was ever going to be alright again.

Before I completely allowed myself to be swept away in self-loathing despair, I felt Bella's body stiffen and she quickly moved from the romantic position she had been in with me. I was startled out of my own mind and turned to see what had upset her and noticed that Carlisle was walking toward us.

"How is he?" Bella asked, sparing me from having to ask that very same question.

Carlisle frowned, "well, he will survive, but he only narrowly escaped with his life on this one."

I winced, hating the way the doctor was looking at me. He knew I had been responsible for the whole thing and clearly he disapproved of Bella being so close to me. I couldn't tell whether his scrutiny was more for Edward's sake or for the sake of Bella's safety.

She stood up; Carlisle reached a stone hand out to help her up. Once she was up she turned to me and held out her hand. I looked up at her and took her tiny hand into my own. She looked back at Carlisle for a minute and nodded to him. He went to his car and sat there, waiting for her but giving us a few moments of privacy.

"You need to go in there and take care of this, Jake." She reached up to touch my face with her hand, sending chills up and down my spine. "Please, work this out with your friends; don't let our situation cause unnecessary problems. It's not worth it."

I looked deeply into her eyes and I knew she was going to walk off and get into his shiny car; just the way she used to. I hadn't fixed anything by keeping her from him in the first place, I guess we really weren't meant to be together.

I could feel her pulling back from me, but I didn't want her to leave. I put all the effort I had into one last attempt to make her stay. "Bella please, don't go back to him. Just forget this whole suicide mission you're on. Please." It was like déjà vu all over again, my goodness.

A single tear fell from her beautiful eyes, "It's not that simple and you know it. We can't change this now. I want you to be happy, Jacob, with Jamie. Love her with all your heart; don't save any of it for me, because I'm not coming back. I've made my choice and Edward is it. I'm sorry, but it was always him."

Though I knew she was lying again she was awfully convincing. I would almost have believed her if I hadn't noticed the way her shoulders slumped and her body shook with the sobs that were escaping as she got into the car and pulled out of my driveway and out of my life, forever.


	20. One Request

**Chapter 20: Bella**

_One Request_

I woke the next morning with a feeling of mixed emotions. This was the day that Edward was finally going to grant me what I had wanted for so long. This time he was going to do it properly, without the seduction and the neck biting, but with an injection straight into my heart, just the way we had planned it before.

So, I was excited at the concept of starting a new life with Edward, but it was really bittersweet. I hated leaving Jake like that at his house, feeling his pain and weakness, feeling it through every ounce of my body. I hated pulling out of that driveway and knowing that I would never drive back in.

Edward and I decided that after I was turned that we would leave Forks. We needed to get out of this place and go somewhere where nobody knew us and we could really start our new and exciting eternal lives.

It was hard to get used to be being back at the Cullen's house. I had to get used to having people watch me eat and sleep and be fascinated by normal, everyday human things. The things I had enjoyed doing with Jacob were impossible to do with Edward or the others. But, it would not matter for long anyway. In three day's time I would be completely brand new. I wouldn't care about eating or sleeping or anything else that was pointless to a beautiful immortal.

I hoped that my change would be rather easy, considering how much mental preparation was going into it. I really felt strongly that the dream I had during the coma was an indication of how things would be when I was turned.

So, that morning I forced a big, warm smile on my face, knowing that Edward would be sitting and watching me. True to form, he was. "Good morning."

He smiled at me lightly, "good morning, love."

I slid my legs over the side of the bed and went to him, sliding into his lap. He stiffened a bit, defensively. I knew he was still uncomfortable with the idea of being alone with me after what happened the last time, but I wasn't afraid. I had been the one who pushed him into it; I had thrown myself at him, what else could he have done? "So, today's the day."

He looked away, visibly upset. "About that, is there any possibility of me talking you out of that?"

I pouted my lower lip and he actually smiled, "no, come on, you promised."

He sighed, "Yes, but so much has happened."

I placed a finger over his cold, stone lips, "please, let's not do this again. None of it matters; all that matters is that we are together now and that we're going to be together forever." I bent my head up and kissed him lightly, careful not to come on too strong. He very lightly reciprocated the kiss, but his body was so rigid and stiff. I wondered if he would ever completely trust himself around me again. Well, I was sure he would after I was turned, how could he not be? I would be just like him and I would be unbreakable. He would no longer have to worry about hurting me. I looked up at him and gave him a little, coy smile and he melted a bit, smiling back at me. And then he frowned again, "Bella, I'm just not sure you're doing this for the right reasons."

I slid out of his lap, which obviously made him a bit more comfortable. I looked back at him, "why in the world would you say that?"

"A month ago you threw yourself at me and begged me to turn you, just to find out that you didn't really want it. What could possibly have changed all of that in such a short period of time?"

I shrugged, "I guess I just finally got my head together, that's all."  
"You know there is nothing I want more than for you to be with me forever, but don't you think you're being a bit hasty?"

I sighed, "Edward, I pushed the wedding off six months, how much more time do I need?"

He stood up and put up his hands, "fine, I'll let Alice know. I'm sure she will be in momentarily to get you ready." With that, he left.

Once he was gone, I frowned, things were happening really fast. I knew he was right, but I didn't feel as though I had any other options. I had to make the Voturi happy. Alice said they would be here in three days and that I would be turned and they would be happy with that. They would try to convince us to come to Italy and join up and we would, of course, refuse.

Edward refused to change me without the wedding so I decided that we should have a quick, small one and not invite anyone outside the Cullen family. I didn't want my mother (or anyone else for that matter) being around this neck of the woods when the Volturi showed up. I wanted it to be over as quickly as possible and spare as many people as possible.

I sighed, sitting in front of the mirror, looking at my appearance. How in the world was Alice going to be able to do anything with me? My eyes were red, my skin colorless, my hair lacking all its shine and I had big swollen bags under my eyes. Oh, how devastatingly beautiful I would be. I guess it didn't matter much anyway, on my best day I looked like a dirty homeless person next to Edward.

My mood was taking a dramatic turn for the worse. I had to do something quickly to perk myself up before Alice came into the room and saw right through my façade of happiness. I decided I would listen to the C.D. Jake had made me. I had been really curious about what kinds of songs would be on it and there didn't seem to be any better time to find out. I slid it from the paper sheath and into Edward's C.D. player and pushed play.

I sat back and waited for the first song to play. I was completely surprised by the song that filled the room with sound. It was Uncle Kracker's "Smile". As I listened to the song I found that it really did make me feel better. It was comforting to know that he was out there, thinking of me, even if we couldn't be together. I sat back and really listened to the words, trying to take in the message that Jake was trying to send me through this song.

_Even when you're gone, _

_ Somehow you come along_

_ Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that_

_ You steal away the rain and just like that…_

Big, messy tears fell from my eyes. How had he been able to pick the perfect song to showcase how I felt about him too?

_Don't know how I lived without you_

_ Cause every time that I get around you_

_ I see the best of me inside your eyes_

_ You make me smile…._

The tears that were falling at this point weren't of the happy nature. I really did see the best of myself inside his eyes. How was I going to be able to go on forever and never have that? How could I go on with this lie and know what I would never again get to see myself the way that Jacob saw me?

It was inconceivable to me to imagine my life without my love, my sun, my best friend. I wondered what would have become of me if he hadn't stopped my wedding in the first place. Would I be a vampire now? Would I have been happy? I wasn't sure that happiness would have been possible under those circumstances, because I was pretty sure that I didn't know what happiness was until very recently. Jake brought meaning to my life and gave me a reason to live. Being with Edward always made me ready to sign my life away, but with Jacob I got to experience life and have it more abundantly.

After three years of complaining about being human and wanting nothing but to be a perfect immortal like Edward, being human didn't seem all that bad. Sure there were definitely some downfalls….like having to use the bathroom, but it had its perks as well. Being alive meant that you could cry, dream and have a family. It wasn't until that very moment that I realized how much I wanted a family. I wanted a lot more from life than I ever used to want, that had to mean something, I was sure of it.

There was a knock on the door which startled me and brought me from my own thoughts. I quickly shut the music off and opened the door. Alice was standing there, a make-up bag in one hand, a garment bag draped over the other arm and a huge grin on her face.

I made an effort to smile in return; so that she couldn't tell that I had been sitting there throwing myself a silent pity party.

It didn't work; she got one look at me and frowned. "Bella, what's wrong?"

I shrugged, "Oh, it's nothing Alice. I'm fine."

She made a face at me, "like Hell you are."

I looked at her, "Alice, please don't harp on it, okay? I've made my decision and you've seen my future. Let's just do this."

She sighed, "I just want you to be happy, Bella."

I nodded, "I know, and I am."

She laid the dress over the bed and set the makeup bag down. She went to me and wrapped me in a hug, "its okay Bella, if you're not. It's okay to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Nobody is going to judge you."

"I don't see what other choice I have right now. They're going to be here in three days and they want me to be turned. So, basically I have two choices…be turned with the safety of loved ones or be killed by the Volturi. It's kind of a no brainer on this one, Alice."

"Just because I have seen what I have seen, it doesn't mean that it can't change. You can change it."

I glared at her, "And what exactly do you think I should do? Go running back to Jake and beg him to protect me?"

"It's an idea. We would be a lot better off against them with the wolves on our side."  
"Sam's incapacitated and Jake's probably not going to phase again anytime soon. Without their alphas the others will be lost."

"Okay, so maybe that wouldn't work so well, but you could at least pretend to have a small sense of self preservation." She smiled at me sympathetically, "If you don't want to be turned and you don't want to go back to the wolves then just get the hell out of Forks. Run away, go somewhere else until they give up."

"Have you ever known the Volturi to give up?"

She sighed, "I suppose you're right, but I still think you should fight a little bit harder on this one. I mean this is life and death, Bella. This is not something to be entered into lightly. Think about all that you will be giving up."  
"Oh, big deal. I'm not giving up anything of any value to me."

She snickered, "you're a bad liar. I can see it on your face; you're not the same person you were before he stopped that wedding. You've changed, Bella, you've grown up and you've realized what really matters."

"Look, I can't have Jacob; he's imprinted on someone else."

"I get that." She told me, seriously, "But, just because you can't have Jacob doesn't mean you have to have Edward."

"I love him, I really do."

She smiled, "I know you do, but in what way? Can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that you love Edward as much as you love Jacob?" I couldn't look at her, I had to look away. She smiled. "That's what I thought."  
I shook my head, my emotions welling up on me again. She reached for me in another sisterly hug. "Edward will be alright. You can't spend the rest of your life sacrificing for everyone else and never doing anything for you." She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "Don't make this be about Edward or Jacob. Don't let your life vs. death decision be about either one of them. Because, ultimately, in the end this is about you. This is your story, Bella. It doesn't matter which guy you choose…it never did, what matters is that you choose yourself. You're young, full of life and you have so much to offer the world. Think about this, really; really think about this."

I wanted to run away or to hide under the bed for about a thousand years, until I could figure out what I needed to do. The answer was right there, if only I could see it. Alice left me alone to be with my own thoughts, knowing full well that the future had changed. I always hated that she seemed to know so much about my decisions before I even made them.

I pushed play on the C.D. player again and listened to the second song. I liked it, but I was surprised that Jacob would pick a Lady Antebellum song.

_Our love's the only truth,_

_ That's why I run to you._

_ This world keeps spinning faster,_

_ To a new disaster, so I run to you,_

_ I run to you, baby._

_ When it all starts coming undone,_

_ Baby you're the only one I run to,_

_ I run to you._

Okay, wow. That song was pretty deep. Maybe it was a sign of what I was supposed to do….

Edward knocked on the door and came in then. He was surprised to hear the music that I was listening to. I jumped up and turned it off. I gave him a helpless look, desperately not wanting him to be mad.

"You didn't have to turn that off, you know. You are welcome to listen to whatever you like." I started to pace and he raised his eyebrow, curiously. "What are you doing?"

"Edward…I…" I sighed. What exactly did I want to say to him?

"You're unsure."

I nodded at him, feeling really self-conscious and more than a little upset with myself.

"I love you Bella, I always will. But, a big part of loving someone is putting their needs ahead of your own. You've always done that for me, but I feel as though I haven't done that for you. I've been selfish. I haven't put your best interest ahead of my own agenda." He pulled me into his arms, allowing my head to rest against his cold chest. "You made me feel things that I hadn't ever felt before and I got used to that. But, I've had a long time to come to terms with myself and this life that I now lead. This is who I am, but it's not who you need to be. If I was in your position I would run like hell. I would get my ass out of this world of crazy monsters and go somewhere where your biggest concern is other crazy humans." He smiled then, but it was a bittersweet smile, "I will be alright, I promise you. For once, I implore you to put your needs ahead of mine. If you have ever cared about me in the slightest you will do me this one favor."

I looked up at him and I could see the pain and sadness so clear on his face, but I knew he meant it. He wanted me to have all the things that he could never give me. He wanted me to have all the things he never got to have, and it was a heart wrenching thing for me to see on his face.

I bent up and kissed him, sweetly, gently. I loved him, I truly did. He made me look at the world in a different way, made me feel that I was special. I owed Edward a lot and I could surely grant him this one request. "I can do that Edward, I can."


	21. Conversations With Leah

**Chapter 21: Jacob**

_Conversations With Leah_

I was doing what I did best; wallowing. That seemed to be the only thing I was able to master successfully. I was wallowing and feeling sorry for myself when Leah knocked on my bedroom door and walked in. I didn't even care that she hadn't waited for me to welcome her in. It didn't matter anyway, what could she possibly see that she hadn't already seen a million times before?

"Hey Jake." She bounced onto the corner of my bed and looked at me, flashing me a warm smile.

"Hey Leah." I mumbled in response.

"So, since the vamps are coming in a couple days, we should figure out what we're going to do about them."  
I looked her square in the face, "What point is there? She's doing this willingly."

"So you don't think we should still fight them?"

I shrugged, "What good will it do anyway? It won't change anything."

"Well, you can't be wishy washy about this Jake, you're our pack leader."

"I never asked to be a pack leader, okay? I just didn't want to be in Sam's pack; there's a big difference."

She didn't even bother flinching at my harshness, she was used to me. She sighed, "I just wish you'd get things together."

"You and me both."

She looked at me, "I don't really think that's true. I think if you wanted to get your shit together you would."

I looked her straight in the eyes, my eyebrow raised, "What ?"

She folded her arms, clearly not intimidated by me, "You heard me. I think you enjoy having all this angst. If you didn't you would have taken care of it by now."

"Well, all knowing, all powerful Leah, what do you suggest that I do?"

She tilted her head to the side, "I see you with two options, here."

"And they are?"

"You either accept what's happened and get on with your life or you tackle your problems head on and break the imprint."

"You can't break an imprint!"

"You could if you gave up the wolf."

Wow, that was definitely something I hadn't thought about before. It seemed logical enough. If I gave up the part of me that imprinted on her, wouldn't the imprint then go away? Also, I could just go back to being an ordinary human and focus on college and my future. I looked at her, my mouth hanging open, "How come I never thought of that?"

She shrugged, "I guess it just took someone with superior intelligence." She laughed, looking at my facial expression. I swatted her playfully and she hit me back.

"Ow!" I yelled, "I only lightly tapped you."

She smiled, "Shut up, you liked it." Then her expression turned serious again, "It would be hard on the other pack members, Jake, but you have to do what's right for you, whatever that is."

I thought about the implication of what she was saying and realization hit me. "Leah, I don't want you to have to go back to Sam's pack. It's not fair to you to have to be inside his head all the time like that. Nobody should have to go through that. It's hard enough knowing that he imprinted on someone else, but to hear it every day….that's got to be excruciating."

There was sadness in her eyes that hadn't been there when we were playing around. I desperately just wanted to make it all better, but I knew I didn't have the power to do that. "I've gotten used to it."

"Leah….you should never have to get used to it. You deserve better than that."

She looked at me, and her eyes filled with tears. I pulled her to me, holding her closely against my chest. I could feel her body trembling against me and I felt sad for her, but better that I was able to be there for her the way she had been there for me some many times. After all, she had cradled my naked body in her arms and hadn't felt uncomfortable with it at all.

She looked up at me, wiping tears from her eyes, "Look, it's not just about you, Jake. So many people have been affected by this imprint. Obviously Bella has also been affected, and so has Jamie. Jamie was brought into a new world and has to be completely confused. Also, she has to know that though you two are supposed to be together that you don't love her and she has to deal with that every day. And, you know, Edward has also been affected by this. He has to look at his sparkly self in the mirror every day and know that Bella is only with him because she can't have you. That's got to be a terrible burden to bear, especially when you are just starting your life with someone."

I wondered if this was how she felt about Emily. Like, even though Emily was her cousin and had stolen the love of her life right out from under her nose, could she possibly feel sorry for the girl? Could she possibly feel as though Emily was merely a victim as well? I hadn't really ever given that much thought…it was an interesting perspective.

Leah went on and I just sat there and listened….the thing I was always forced to do whenever she lectured at me. "And, as much as neither one of us wants to think about it…Sam has definitely been affected by this imprint and he almost died because of it. That's not even to mention the rest of the pack. We were one pack; all together, all reading each other's minds, all being controlled by the same leader. And now we're two different packs and I have to say that I much prefer ours. There is a stronger sense of unity because we all want to be there…well, with the exception of you of course."

"How could I ever want to be there? Becoming the wolf was the worst thing that ever happened to me."

"So, stop. You have the power to tell the wolf to fuck off and just go back to being Jacob Black. You can go back to spending hours in the garage, fixing up cars, and going fishing with Billy. You can grow old, Jake. You have the ability to make that choice…it's always been there for you."

I don't know why I hadn't realized all of this myself. Maybe it was because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I mean, my God…I had been as moody and over gelled as Edward and that's not something that I would like to say for myself.

Leah was really something. She was passionate, smart, intense and intuitive beyond her years. I had always thought that she was just a whiny, wimpy girl, but this girl has balls. There was a true strength that emanated from her and it was contagious; when I was around her I felt stronger myself.

"Leah, you're pretty cool."

She smiled at me, "you're not so bad yourself, Jake."

I reached over and messed up her hair and she laughed. "I want you to do me a favor."

"Anything."

"If I do decide to abandon the wolf and I leave the pack…I want you to promise me that you won't go back to Sam. Don't let him get the best of you."

"What other choice do I have? We don't have another alpha. Nobody else has the qualities that you and Sam have."

I looked deep into her dark eyes, "That's not true; it's not true at all."

She looked back at me blankly until a realization sparked in her eyes, "you can't possibly mean me?"  
"Of course I mean you. Who else would I mean….Seth?"  
She laughed. "Jake, I'm just a girl."

I snickered, "You're not just anything. You're incredible. You feel what the rest of us feel, whether you hear our thoughts or not. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and you do it with grace and compassion. Leah, you feel it in your soul. The wolf is in tune with you…she is you and you are her. There's a reason why you're the only female werewolf that has ever existed and it has nothing to do with your womanhood or your fertility. It has everything to do with your strength and your incredible empathy."

She looked stunned for a minute and then big tears slid down her face. I reached out and pulled her to me once again. She would never know how much she had helped me and there weren't words to express the gratitude I felt in my heart. As I held her close and felt her warmness against me, I felt something I hadn't ever felt before…I felt like I had a real family. Like, no matter what happened or what decisions I ended up making that my pack was there for me and they truly loved me as if I was their own flesh and blood. I knew that I would always have a friend in Leah as long as I lived. She looked up at me and I could tell she was feeling those same emotions. It was one of those moments where words didn't need to be spoken, because communication was happening from one soul to the other.

I ran my hands through her hair and before I knew what was happening, our lips met in a gentle kiss. It wasn't wildly passionate and I didn't get tingles up and down my spine, but it was nice and comforting. I felt intensely special and safe.

"Can I tell you something?" I asked her, knowing that she'd never deny me airing my thoughts.

"Sure."

"There is a part of me that wishes that you were my imprint." I could feel her body tremble and I felt bad, I didn't mean to make her cry. I hadn't meant to cause her any pain by my words.

Then I realized that she wasn't crying at all, she was laughing. I pulled back and looked at her in horror. "What are you laughing about?"  
She wiped away happy tears of laughter, "You know as well as I do that wouldn't have worked out. We so would have killed each other."

I was laughing too; loud, obnoxious ripples of laughter rang through my chest and I realized I was happy. Sure, I would have been happier had Bella not given up on me and had I not imprinted on Jamie and brought her into my twisted world and I would have been happier yet if I hadn't tried to kill Sam, but I was happy anyway. At least for a few moments, in Leah's arms, I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. And I knew in my heart that things were going to be okay. Even if Bella was turned and she spent forever with Edward and I was forced to deal with bringing Jamie into my world, a place she didn't belong, and even if I stayed a werewolf until the right time to stop and get old, I knew that things were going to be alright, because I had friends and family who loved me.

"Thank you." She told me, softly.

"For what?" What could I possibly have ever done to warrant her gratitude?

"For believing in me." She ran her hands through my hair, affectionately, "For seeing something in me that was worth loving."  
I was stunned….I had done that? "Geez Leah, you make me sound like a Saint, and I sure as hell am nothing of the sort. In fact, I feel like I owe you. I owe you for being there for me when nobody else was. I thank you for pointing out the things in me that I couldn't see myself." I nuzzled into her neck, "I love you, Leah." And I did….she would forever be my confidante, my right hand man (so to speak), the Beta to my Alpha….even if I was no longer Alpha.


	22. The WrapUp

**Chapter 22**

_The Wrap - Up_

The following day, Bella had packed up her things and left the Cullen house, for good. She had no intention of ever going back. It was funny to her though; after all the time she had spent back and forth between Edward and Jacob….to just really and truly be alone. She was surprised as to how okay she actually was with that, it was rather interesting to her.

Jamie could never seem to get over all the things that Jacob has sprung on her and she didn't know what she was going to do about any of it. What would she tell people? How would she be able to carry his secret to the grave? How long would it before she was in a grave? Would being with Jacob shorten her lifespan? The thoughts that went through her head all the time kept her up at night and haunted her dreams in the few restful moments that she did find.

Jacob was doing alright. He had come to terms with his life and he had decided to make things easier on everyone and give up the wolf. He figured that it would take away the imprint and then he could possibly have one last chance to get Bella back…if she was still human that is. He knew it would hurt Quil, Embry and Seth, but they would get over it. They would eventually come to accept the changes and get used to it.

Edward was a wreck. He had lost the only woman he had ever loved…again. The thought of spending a billion lifeless years on earth alone was one of complete desperation. But, the whole thing was really bittersweet for him. He loved Bella and part of loving her meant doing what was best for her and in this situation, letting her go was her best option.

Bella didn't know where to go after she left the Cullen's. The Volturi was after her and she had to do something about that. As much as she wanted to go home to Charlie and feel safe and comfortable again, she knew that it was wrong to put Charlie in danger. No, she definitely couldn't go there….but where could she go? Well, she figured that going back to Leah's was probably her best bet. She just hoped that Leah hadn't changed her mind back and decided to hate her again.

Bella drove to the La Push lines and that old feeling of weightlessness came over her again. She used to feel free from Edward's dominance whenever she would be "allowed" to see Jacob, knowing full well that Edward could not cross the treaty lines. The Volturi would not have the same courtesy…no, she would not really be truly safe there, but it would have to do.

When Bella got to Leah's house, she pulled into the drive and noticed that the place was silent. The car was gone and there didn't appear to be any sign of life inside the house. Damn! She went to the door and knocked, hoping that she had been wrong and someone….anyone…would come to the door. But, she was not in luck, nobody was there. She sighed, "Come on Leah!"

Then she heard a car behind her and turned expectantly to see who it was. When she caught a glimpse of the driver shock caught in her throat. The girl she saw standing there was the single most gorgeous things she had ever seen; of the ones whose hearts were still beating anyway. Damn, she thought, this must be Jamie!

Jamie walked over to the door and looked at the girl standing there. She didn't look like she was native either, so she couldn't be Leah's sister….well, unless she was adopted or only a half sister. "Um, is Leah home?"

Bella turned to Jamie, "Uh…no, I was here to see her as well."

"She must be very popular." Jamie said, with a smile.

'God, she's pretty!' Bella thought to herself. She couldn't understand why it had been so hard for Jacob; given the choice between the two of them it seemed pretty obvious to her.

"Are you a friend of hers?"

"Yeah, I was just coming over for some advice, really."

"Oh, me too." Jamie said, with a dazzling smile that could light up a room.

"Is everything alright?"

Jamie shrugged, "It's just that the guy I've been sort of seeing gave me some really unexpected news and I knew that Leah was friends with him and I thought maybe I could talk to her woman to woman and see…" Her voice trailed off.

Bella smiled, "You want to make sure that Jake really isn't crazy?"

She laughed, "You must be Bella."

"And you're Jamie."

"So, he's told you about me?"

Bella nodded, "yup."

"I'm sorry." Jamie said, and she truly was, "I never meant to come between you guys. I just want everyone to be happy."

Bella smiled back at her, unable to hate this girl no matter how much she wanted to, "No, it's totally not your fault. He couldn't help it either. It was just meant to be I guess."

She shook her head, "I still don't really get it all, you know? It's a lot to take in."

Bella smiled, "I know how you feel." She laughed, "I never would have thought that I would get myself tangled up between a vampire and a werewolf either."

Jamie grimaced, "You aren't one yet, are you?"

Bella smiled, "No, I changed my mind."

Jamie nodded, "Oh good, that's a smart choice. I would rather die than be a vampire."

Before Bella knew what was happening, she felt a breeze on her face and her hair fanned out behind her. She turned to see what was causing it and turned white as a ghost. There, not ten feet away from the two humans was the Volturi. Bella was glad to see that they weren't all there. They had brought along eight members, including the three leaders Aro, Marcus and Caius. Among the guard Alec, Demetri, Felix, Jane and Renata. Of course the leaders would be there…that was always implied and of course they would bring their secret weapons along with them. She wasn't completely sure why they brought Jane along when they knew that her powers of pain illusions didn't work on her. But, they would work on Jamie, and that left a nasty taste in her mouth.

Jacob was driving, on a mission. He had to get to the Cullen's house and see if there was any chance that Bella was still human. If she was then he would have a chance to tell her of his newfound decision and convince her to come back with him. He had it all figured out in his head what he was going to say to her, but he hoped that he wouldn't get all tongue-tied when he actually saw her face-to-face.

He pulled up to the huge mansion that was anything but inconspicuous, and hopped out of the rabbit. He couldn't believe how quiet the house was, but thought that they must be trying to avoid unnecessary attention or draw the Volturi to them.

He walked up the stone walkway and up to the front door, where he knocked heavily. He waited….no one came. Then he ran around to the back of the house and knocked on all the windows and doors that he came across. The entire back of the house was glass and he knew that if someone was in there he would see them….but no such luck. Nobody was anywhere to be seen on their property. Fuck! They must have already been married and had fled to wherever they were going to start their new lives together.

Somewhere far, far away, no doubt. Bella had always hated Forks…well, until she fell in love with the vampire and he had changed all that. Jacob was so livid it wasn't even funny. Why was life turning out this way for him, once again? 'God!' he yelled in his head, 'why can't you ever just throw me a bone?'

"Jamie, stay back." Bella whispered to her newfound friend.

Aro stepped forward and smiled brightly at Bella. "I am glad to see that you are well. However I am sorry to see that you are still human."  
Caius joined in, "We had hoped that you would have changed that prior to our arrival."

"You have been awfully hard for poor Demetri to track." Aro said, taking the reins again.

Bella sighed, "Oh, how incredibly rude of me."  
Marcus was in Bella's face, lightly running his hands over it, "It was rude, Bella, after all we came all this way just to see you."

"And, we're so thirsty." Aro said, his red eyes shining.

Bella stiffened and reached over to grip Jamie's hand.

Marcus smiled, "She feels protective of that other human." Marcus moved closer to Jamie, inspecting her, "And she is a beauty, is she not?"

Aro smiled, "She sure would make a beautiful addition to our coven."  
"No!" Bella screamed, "You came for me, so take me!"

Aro laughed, "Bella, Bella, Bella, always so willing to throw herself in front of her friends. It's one of the things we admired most about you when we met. That and the amazing powers that you possess."

"What powers?"

Caius laughed, "Oh, come on, like you haven't figured out that you're a shield."

"Or you could be, if you'd ever be turned." Aro added, exasperated. "But, no matter, you have refused our life, so we shall refuse yours." He nodded to Felix, who immediately grabbed both girls in an iron grip. He held them both so tightly they thought they might burst.

"Relax, little girls," Felix taunted, "It will make this a lot easier."

Bella bristled, "I will not go quietly."

Aro smiled, "I would expect nothing less of you, my dear." Aro made a motion with his hands and Bella was immediately released from Felix's grip. She immediately screamed and started to run, trying to attract any attention she could. Aro laughed at her nonsense, she was not going to win. "You know, Bella, we really are fond of you. You could have been such an amazing addition."

She glared at him, "I would never join your sadistic bunch of animals!"

Aro laughed and nodded at Felix, who took a giant whiff of Jamie's neck and sunk his teeth in, drinking in a wild, passionate frenzy. The smell of her blood was intoxicating to the other vampires, but they had to remain cool. They could not lose focus and allow Bella to escape. Aro, coming back to reality, grabbed Bella and forced her to watch as Felix drained Jamie of her blood, "See, you could have prevented all of this if you had just kept your end of the bargain." Bella was crying, sobbing….feeling desperate and helpless.

While he was in the middle of his pity party, Jacob felt something. Something was wrong! He always felt the invisible cord to Jamie but he had never felt anything like this. The wolf in him was frantic. There was definitely something wrong, but what was it? He had no idea, but there was no other choice…he had to find her. He got in his car and drove to where he could feel the cord pulling him to.

Leah got there first. She pulled into the driveway and got out of the car in a panic. "No!" she screamed, watching what Felix was doing to Jamie.

Aro turned to see her and smiled, "Oh, how precious; another human for our dinner." The other vampires laughed along with him and Bella fumed.

Leah glared at them and barred her teeth and in less than the blink of an eye, she was in her wolf form. The vampires were stunned momentarily. The diversion even caused Felix to loosen his grip on Jamie and cause her body to land on the grass.

The vampires looked at her, fascinated. It wasn't night time…so she couldn't be a child of the night. But, what was she? They didn't know, but they didn't care. Having ones of this kind, who could easily morph into the human society, would be a truly magnificent and essential part of their coven.

Leah braced herself for an attack and went right to the top. She ran and pounced on Aro, taking him by surprise. He pushed Leah off him and across the yard, where she landed harshly against a hard tree trunk.

Leah was not about to give in, they would have to kill her before she would surrender. She jumped back up and ran back at him, as he started off in the other direction. Before he could get away, wolves jumped out from every angle and surrounded them. The vamp's eyes popped open in shock.

A battle was brewing and Leah was determined to be on the winning team. Aro took off running, but she, Jared and Paul took him down, ripping him to pieces. The others began to attack, kicking wolves into the woods and running with lightening speed.

The wolves worked together to divide and conquer. There where at least two wolves to every vampire, but the vampires were super strong and really, really fast. Once they took down Alec and Renata the wolves started to feel as though they could actually win this fight.

They were far into the woods, chasing and attacking vampires, right and left, when Carlisle and his coven arrived on the scene. They immediately assessed the damages and jumped into the fight wherever they needed the most help. Emmett, Carlisle and Jasper jumped in head first and began ripping vampires to shreds and lighting them on fire as they went.

Edward ran to Bella's side, as did Alice, who was sobbing uncontrollably and apologizing for not seeing it until too late. Rosalie did something that shocked all of them who were still in front of the house…she knelt beside Jamie, picked up her broken body and lay her in her arms.

"Is she….?" Bella's voice trailed off, her head buried into Edward's chest.

Before anyone could answer that question a car flew into the drive and Jacob jumped from it and ran, his door hanging by a thread. He dropped to his knees besides Jamie's lifeless form and began to sob….he had been too late.

Alice wiped at her own tears, "There's too much venom in her bloodstream. She will be changed."

Jacob cried out in anguish, "No!" He felt so desperate, knowing that he had let her down. He had failed to do the one thing he knew he needed to do…keep her safe. He had been too wrapped up in his own feelings for Bella to pay attention to what the wolf was trying to tell him.

"No! You have to suck the venom out!" Jacob cried, staring at Alice.

Alice shook her head, "It has spread quickly and she has lost so much blood already that we will kill her if we try to suck it out. She will lose too much blood. We have to take her somewhere safe so that she can continue to make the change."

Bella sobbed and Jacob looked at her. Had she been here the whole time? She looked awful. He felt a wave of compassion surge through him and he wanted to hold her, to comfort her.

"They wanted me! They wanted me!" She screamed into Edward's chest. "Why couldn't they have just killed me and left her alone?"

Jacob's heart shattered into a thousand pieces. As he looked back and forth between Bella's depressed face and Jamie's anguished, lifeless one, he felt something that took him by surprise. He was completely desperately upset about what had happened to Jamie but he was also relieved that it wasn't Bella's life that he had to mourn. And as he watched Bella sobbing uncontrollably over the possible death/definite vampire change that had happened to Jamie he fell even deeper in love with her. She really was a selfless person, a beautiful and true person.

"We need to get her out of her, to take her where it's safe. We can't let her stay here, bleeding while those assholes are still out there." Alice said.

Edward nodded, she was right. "Yes, we should get her out of her and take her back to the house."

"NO!" Bella screamed and they all stared at her in complete disbelief. "Moments before they showed up she told me that she would rather die than be a vampire."

Edward and Alice looked at each other, "Surely she wouldn't still want that now."

Jacob looked into Bella's eyes and he knew she was right. Jamie didn't want this life; this was not where she belonged. True, it was a complete shame to waste a beautiful life like this, especially when she would have made an exquisite vampire, but it wasn't right. It wasn't what she wanted. "Bella's right."

Bella looked into Jacob's eyes and nobody could deny the love and devotion that flickered between them and almost singed the hairs on Edward's head. They were on the same page and they knew what they needed to do.

Leah came out of the forest and around to the front yard of her house, covered only in some leaves and Jacob thought that was how Eve must have looked in the Garden of Eden. A small part of him wanted to laugh, but he was in too much pain for that. He stood up, "Leah, I need your dad's old hunting rifle."

"Jacob!" Alice shouted, "You can't be serious!"

Jacob looked at Alice with more pain in his eyes than even Bella had ever seen there. Alice retreated as Jacob nodded, "It's the right thing to do."

Leah ran into her house and was back in two minutes with the rifle and an outfit. She slipped into her clothes and handed the rifle over to Jacob, looking into his eyes as she did it. He took it from her, sadness in his eyes. He went back to Jamie's side.

"You don't have to do this, Jacob. One of us could do it for you, you know." Edward told him.

Jacob gave him a look of compassion and said, "No, I need to do it." He got down on his knees beside her, taking her hand into his. "Jamie, I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm sorry." Tears were flowing from his eyes, he couldn't control them and there wasn't any point in trying. "I'm so sorry I brought you into this mess. You deserved so much more than all of this. But, I want to honor your wishes. I know you have to be in a lot of pain right now and that will be over really quickly."

He wasn't sure but he thought he saw some movement in her eyes. He stared at her face and with every ounce of determination in herself she reached a hand up to place it on Jacob's face. He wrapped his hand around hers and cried harder. He bent down and placed a kiss on her lips, feeling as though she was returning it. He knew he was doing what she wanted him to do, so with renewed courage, he stood up, backed up and aimed the rifle at her heart. He wanted to make a perfect, clean shot, just like he used to do when he would hunt with his dad and Charlie. Through tears and sorrow, he pulled the trigger and shot the rifle right at her heart, killing her almost instantly. The light went out in her eyes and the horrified look on her face dissolved one of calmness and serenity.

Rosalie laid her down on the grass, and lightly closed her eyelids, making it appear as though she was only asleep instead of dead. Jacob knelt beside her and let loose a fit of despair against her still-warm chest.

Bella went to him, her hand on his shoulder. She wanted to comfort him and let him know that she felt responsible for Jamie's death. Jacob was comforted by her touch. He looked up at her and he knew instantly that something was remarkably different. They looked into each other's eyes and it was evident that they both felt it. They could both feel that invisible thread between them and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was an imprint he would never fight.


	23. Epilogue

Epilogue: Bella

Yes, as it turns out….Alice had been right. This story really was about me and my choices. Everything I did affected those around me. I got myself involved with vampires, which put everyone I knew and loved (including myself) in terrible danger.

Edward had been selfish in keeping me around. He had folded and allowed his feelings to cloud his judgment. He was determined to keep me safe from harm, but how could he protect me from himself? He was just so beautiful and enchanting…..I got lost in his eyes. I wanted to build a future on something as frivolous as looks. I was a naïve, immature child.

When Jacob came into the picture I was too busy being in pain to notice what was in front of my face. I had a guy who loved me for who I truly was on the inside…not just the girl I pretended to be. He saw me in a way that no one else did and make me feel alive again…a feeling that was incredible, especially to someone who had been so willing to throw her life away.

Sure, when you're seventeen all relationships seem like they're going to last forever, but nine times out of ten, they never do. At seventeen you aren't able to truly know yourself and who you're going to turn out to be in the end. It is right to love with your whole being and to want to devote everything you have to the one you love….but you should never have to give up yourself in the process. You should never have to lay down your life just to be with someone. You see….Edward and I could never have been together unless I had been changed. This was a fact that pushed me into changing in the first place. I hadn't wanted to be a vampire….I wanted to be beautiful, graceful and everything I thought that I wasn't….but I never wanted to be a vampire, not really.

It took a lot of soul searching and growing for me to realize that I had all those things that I had longed for. I had beauty, I had grace, I had love. Sure, it wasn't what I had originally picked out for myself, but the love I found in Jacob was more real than anything I had ever felt in my whole life. He made me feel like I was perfect the way I was, something that I never felt around Edward.

A lot changed in my life after that day in front of Leah's house. Jake had finally imprinted on me…something we had both wanted for a long time. We were finally able to be together, completely. He could continue to be the wolf for as long as he chose to, because he no longer had reasons to be mad at him, and I knew that someday he would stop phasing and grow old with me.

What a concept that is…growing old with someone. It's so powerful. I hadn't ever realized all the things that I would have given up if I had been with Edward and completely given in to being changed.

But, Jacob and I could have these things; we could eat together, sleep together, dream together, we could listen to our heartbeats accelerate as we made love together. We could have all the fleeting, amazing things of life, and what's more…..we could truly live. I could wake up every morning next to the most incredible man I had ever known and know that he was mine until we died. And though death was so morbid and unhappy, we knew that someday we'd be in a better place….together.

About a year after the day that Jamie died, we were married. Charlie had to have been happier than both of us put together. He had dreamt of Jacob and I being together for so long and I swear his buttons were going to pop off his tuxedo shirt. Yes, I made him wear a tuxedo…and so did Jacob. He was just so happy to have me in his life and be able to be with me he would have worn a pink tuxedo if I had insisted. I thought that was sweet, but saved him the embarrassment.

Two months after our wedding I found out that I was pregnant. It was the happiest day of my life….well up until our little bundle of joy actually came into this world. We named him Benjamin, whose name means 'son of my right hand' or 'beloved son'. This was also the name of Jacob's most favorite son from the Bible. I thought it was fitting and he couldn't deny me.

Carlisle actually delivered the baby, which was weird, but I trusted him more than anyone else. I knew I would be in the best possible hands. He was delighted that we asked him to have this honor, but I knew he was sad for his beloved son who was alone.

I felt bad about that too, I truly did. Edward had been my first love and a huge part of my life for a long time. I wanted him to find his happiness and his peace with himself. I kept my vampire almost-family close to my heart and in my life. I visited often and brought the baby over for them to play with. I truly had the best of both worlds….the family that I had wanted for so long and the man who completed me and made me want to be alive. I had everything I could have ever wanted or needed. It's funny how things have a way of working out for the best, even when you think there is no way that they could.


End file.
